tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-60121382273618138642024-03-13T19:23:44.679+01:00Alpha+GoodProgress, culture, politics and gender. Open to everyone.Anton Voloshinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02975731085496119073noreply@blogger.comBlogger120125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012138227361813864.post-8474088175182148942023-03-26T21:01:00.003+02:002023-04-03T01:05:11.952+02:00Eurovision Song Contest 2023: Previews, reviews and predictions (part II)<p style="text-align: justify;">This is the second part of a twofer where I discuss my opinions and predictions on Eurovision 2023. Drop down the blog for my first part on generalities and Semi-Final 1.</p><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b>Semi-final 2</b></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i><b>Denmark</b></i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04C8E7PUMQo&pp=ygUYcmVpbGV5IGJyZWFraW5nIG15IGhlYXJ0">Reiley - Breaking my heart</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: English</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: Gen Z bedroom pop with a dash of Charli XCX</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>Denmark has generally been on a downward trend since winning the ESC for the last time in 2013.</div><div><b>Best Danish result so far</b>: Won twice (2000, 2013), came 2nd once (2001) and came 3rd two times (1988, 1989).</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: While 'Breaking my heart' is a fine pop song, its Gen Z sensibilities and presentation will turn off some older audiences, even if there's nothing wrong with the track. Some people are just inter-generational curmudgeons. Apart from that, nothing about is particularly bold, inventive or engrossing, and the heavily processed vocals could be a problem to get right live. Gen Z voters could also stay away from the track for feeling too much aimed at them.</div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: Superficially, perhaps Greece's "pretty boy", but they live in wildly different genres and Greece has the better vocalist. In terms of jiving with the 2023 spirit, Armenia has a better offering and has more wind under their wings.</div><div><b>Prediction: </b>Not qualifying.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 0%.</div></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i><b>Armenia</b></i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Co8ZJIejXBA&pp=ygUVYnJ1bmV0dGUgZnV0dXJlIGxvdmVy">Brunette - Future lover</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: English, Armenian</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: Caucasus hyper-pop ballad</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>With three exceptions, ever since Armenia's first participation in 2006, they've qualified for every Grand Final. While <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gVqGKkm7xBE&pp=ygUOcm9zYSBsaW5uIHNuYXA%3D">Rosa Linn</a> only came 20th in 2022's Grand Final, her song exploded all over the world through TikTok later.</div><div><b>Best Armenian result so far</b>: 4th in 2008 and 2014.</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: The enfranchised ESC audience expects a lot from Armenia. They understand it would really like to win the Contest sooner rather than later, and their cards don't look bad at all. A lot will depend on Brunette's live performance, but at least the production sounds smooth and very much "now", and it also helps that Brunette herself is conventionally very charismatic and attractive but seems smart enough to sort of <i>downplay</i> these factors that speak for themselves.</div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: If voters consider Armenia's entry neutrally, its biggest competitor is likely Iceland. If not, then it would be Georgia. Either entry is also pretty well-crafted, so it will be tough, but they could also lift up each other.</div><div><b>Prediction</b>: Qualifying.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 1%, if Brunette displays an amped-up version of her stage presence.</div><div><br /></div><div><i><b>Romania</b></i></div><div><br /></div><div><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRxv-AUCinQ&pp=ygUSdGhlb2RvciBhbmRyZWkgZGd0">Theodor Andrei - D.G.T. (Off and on)</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: English, Romanian</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: Strip club jazzrock</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>Romania has been consigned to the lower-middle of the pack for over a decade now, despite some really brave attempts to storm the top of the mountain. There's also been a spate of bad luck, e.g. Roxen's much-vaunted '<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dVTEZixU0BQ&pp=ygUNcm94ZW4gYW1uZXNpYQ%3D%3D">Amnesia</a>' was probably <i>too </i>ambitious in terms of staging, and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VgHWFiavqjA&pp=ygUSY2V6YXIgaXQncyBteSBsaWZl">Cézar's incredible 'It's my life</a>' likely a bit <i>too</i> avant-garde for its time (although it is now a cherished part of ESC history).</div><div><b>Best Romanian result so far</b>: 3rd in 2005 and 2010.</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: Judging by how the track was performed in its national selection, I feel this is a huge step back from Romania's recent entries. Its Contest staging will need to put in a lot of work to make this track more palatable. 'D.G.T.''s production feels at once grating and undercooked and the vocals give me a strong vibe of a young man pretending to be a much older man. That is to say nothing of the gratuitous staging. If there is a connection to the song's content, it's clearly not visible, and gratuitous lingerie hasn't been a crowd-draw at ESC since 2006 at least, if ever.</div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: San Marino, although that entry isn't particularly good either, so both might in fact drag each other <i>down</i>.</div><div><b>Prediction</b>: Not qualifying.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 0%.</div></div><div><br /></div><div><div><i><b>Estonia</b></i></div><div><br /></div><div><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wO9g5t3VSuw">Alika - Bridges</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: English</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: Classic ballad</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>Estonia seems to finally have run out of telegenic, hot men to send to Eurovision.</div><div><b>Best Estonian result so far</b>: Won in 2002, 3rd in 2003.</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: It's hard to judge this track. While classic ballads such as this one haven't performed very well in the last 15 years, they still enjoy a significant fan base. Also, if staged well, Alika can definitely bring one of those typical "powerful vocal" moments that could make it stand out a good deal. Last year, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jRVDZ6446eM&pp=ygUMb2NobWFuIHJpdmVy">Poland's 'River'</a> proved that there is still room for sincere and powerful ballads supported by classically-trained singers, but that their appeal may ultimately be limited.</div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: Cyprus. Lithuania, to some extent.</div><div><b>Prediction</b>: Qualifying, then ending up in the upper right side of the table.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 0%.</div></div><div><br /></div></div></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i><b>Belgium</b></i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><div><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uYWhh-E_VPo&pp=ygUWZ3VzdGFwaCBiZWNhdXNlIG9mIHlvdQ%3D%3D">Gustaph - Because of you</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: English</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: 2010s house pop</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>Disclaimer - I am Belgian. Anyway, Belgium's recent ESC history has been spotty, which isn't helped by the annual switch between Flemish and Walloon broadcasters selecting an entry. Still, there is a kooky legacy image with <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsA1s7mxerw&pp=ygUQdGVsZXggZXVyb3Zpc2lvbg%3D%3D">Telex</a>, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRfve3wHYUY&pp=ygUXcGFzIGRlIGRldXggcmVuZGV6IHZvdXM%3D">Pas de Deux</a> and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRQlsvWMWBo&pp=ygURdXJiYW4gdHJhZCBzYW5vbWk%3D">Urban Trad</a>, who proudly continued Belgium's tradition of surrealism writ large.</div><div><b>Best Belgian result so far</b>: Won in 1986, came 2nd in 2003, but also came last 8 times.</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: While unfortunately appearing as the wish.com version of Boy George, Gustaph lives and breathes Eurovision. He might benefit from a bump if flanking performances are slow ballads or artsy stuff <i>and</i> if the staging is good. Also, nothing about the song is particularly bad or offensive, whereas e.g. Romania and Poland are taking more risks. Given that Semi-Final 2 is the weaker of the two, he has a decent chance at progressing.</div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: In terms of genre: no one. In terms of energy: Greece, Iceland, Poland, Slovenia.</div><div><b>Prediction: </b>Qualifying, but barely. Then left stranded in the right half of the Grand Final's table, possibly even in last position.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 0%.</div></div><div><br /></div></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i><b>Cyprus</b></i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrFUKqTy4zI">Andrew Lambrou - Break a broken heart</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: English</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: Howling power ballad, equal parts Ochman and Duncan Lawrence</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>Many people are aware Cyprus would really like to win the ESC one day. At the very least, they usually put in the effort, even if results are often not commensurate.</div><div><b>Best Cypriot result so far</b>: Came 2nd in 2018. Cyprus holds the record for most performances without a single win - standing at 39 years now.</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: If Estonia's Alina is Ochman's technical successor, Andrew is his spiritual one, though I find his offering a bit more immediately engaging and bigger. More so than with other entries, a lot is riding on the quality of his live vocal, but he is certainly already blessed with charisma and good looks. Let's hope Cyprus doesn't repeat their static, messy staging mistakes from 2022, which likely cost <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GM8CY08UT6I&pp=ygUOYW5kcm9tYWNoZSBlbGE%3D">Andromache</a> a place in the finals.</div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: Estonia and to a lesser extent Greece. Quality-wise I think Cyprus beats both though.</div><div><b>Prediction: </b>Qualifying, unless Andrew's vocal falters.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 0%.</div></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i><b>Iceland</b></i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhlJXcCv7gw">Diljá - Power</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: English</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: Chase & Status-inspired power pop.</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>Iceland has been more willing to experiment than other Scandinavian countries, sometimes to their detriment. They have generally been re-cast into a favourable spotlight with the general audience after - believe it or not - 2019's divisive but uncompromising <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTb69WkBbvs">Hattari</a>.</div><div><b>Best Icelandic result so far</b>: Came 2nd in 1999 and 2009.</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: While a considerably safer entry than what Iceland has put out since 2019, 'Power' has infectious energy and a performer who sells the package. It doesn't try to be too cute or clever, and while all elements are there for a good show, the current version feels a little rough around the edges still. I'm not sold on the "teenage girl dancing around in her bedroom" choreo routine. It's endearing, for sure, but not a winner.</div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: In terms of messaging, Poland, but Poland's entry looks even more like a cynical ploy compared to this. The British entry is also a bit similar.</div><div><b>Prediction: </b>Qualifying.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 1%, if the favourites falter and this track's staging is vastly improved.</div></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i><b>Greece</b></i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qL0EkId_sTY&pp=ygUddmljdG9yIHZlcm5pY29zIHdoYXQgdGhleSBzYXk%3D">Victor Vernicos - What they say</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: English</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: Post-punk-tinged singer songwriting with equal parts Ed Sheeran and Tom Odell.</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>Greece's latter-day performances have been pretty inconsistent. The wave they rode on from 2001 to 2013 (barring some darker spots) seems to have abated, with the country relegated to middling status. The past two years have seen an upward trend again, however, mostly by embracing more conventional Western pop-rock.</div><div><b>Best Greek result so far</b>: Won in 2005. Came third in 2001, 2004 and 2008.</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: Like the two entries that preceded it, Victor Vernicos's entry doesn't feel very <i>Greek</i>, no matter how nebulous that qualification is. However, it's also fishing in that same pond of very "now" pop-trendiness with gusto and might prove once and for all that Greece certainly shouldn't limit itself to Balkan bops or traditional Greek music. 'What they say' is very radio-friendly, features very slick production and has a charismatic young performer at the helm.</div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: Denmark has similar "now" sensibilities and Slovenia exudes a similar youthful energy, but I think Greece bests both. Their entry is more broadly accessible than Denmark's, and has more personality than Slovenia's.</div><div><b>Prediction: </b>Qualifying.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 1%, if the stars align and the absolute favorites don't deliver.</div></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><div><i><b>Poland</b></i></div><div><br /></div><div><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PvQRpV1-ZhY&pp=ygULYmxhbmthIHNvbG8%3D">Blanka - Solo</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: English</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: A Paris Hilton summer bop from Poland</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>Poland has had a bit of a jobber image for the past 15 years at the contest, with entries all over the place, but rarely ending up in a good place.</div><div><b>Best Polish result so far</b>: 2nd place in 1994, on their very first participation.</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: A lot has been said about this track, and most of it not terribly nice on account of suspected foul play during its national selection as well as Blanka's flat, nasal and halting performance at the national finals. Judging it by its current best version (the official video), I feel the chorus has enough bubblegum and cuteness to make it memorable, but the rest is kind of forgettable. I'm unfortunately reminded of <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFCFM5qtvms&pp=ygUOZXNjIDIwMjIgbWFsdGE%3D">Malta's 2022 entry</a>, which featued a similarly upbeat track with a conventionally pretty performer, but felt more like a Junior Eurovision entry in terms of both message and quality, without wanting to disparage the junior performers. If Blanka's staging and performance remain sub-par, she might even be destined for ignominy.</div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: Belgium and Slovenia, maybe, but both feel more mature and polished.</div><div><b>Prediction: </b>Not qualifying.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 0%.</div><div><br /></div><div><div><i><b>Slovenia</b></i></div><div><br /></div><div><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vfTiuZaESKs">Joker Out - Carpe diem</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: Slovenian</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: Look, it's <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1tFqoflsT8&pp=ygUJbHBzIGRpc2tv">LPS</a> again, but they've grown older!</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>While not outright losing in the Grand Finals, Slovenia's record is a pretty bleak one. They don't carry the best image to ESC, and frankly never did.</div><div><b>Best Polish result so far</b>: 7th two times (1995, 2001).</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: Every edition, there are one or two tracks hyped by the in-crowd that don't only leave me cold, but I can't understand the hype at all. 'Carpe diem' is that track for 2023. Some people talk about how relieved they are that Joker Out brings genuine energy compared to LPS's dud last year (last place in the semis), but I honestly think this one isn't much better. It even has a similar 'forgettable all-male pop band of young guys vibe'. There's no way it stands out.</div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: Maybe Belgium or San Marino, but San Marino sells the rock part better and Belgium's entry feels more ready for a Friday night.</div><div><b>Prediction: </b>Not qualifying.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 0%.</div></div><div><br /></div><div><div><i><b>Georgia</b></i></div><div><br /></div><div><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8kO-QPippo">Iru - Echo</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: English</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: Ethnic-inspired 'go big' </div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>If anything, Georgia tends to swing for the fences uncompromisingly (<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6woXP_wL7s">avant-garde house, angsty art rock, angry warrior songs, political disco, circus cabaret</a> - basically Georgia has served up the entire traditional back catalogue of ESC in one speed run!). That deserves accolades, but the general audience hasn't been buying it. </div><div><b>Best Georgian result so far</b>: 9th twice (2010, 2011).</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: Like Germany and Slovenia, I feel that by now Georgia's terrible reputation has become its own millstone. However undeserved that reputation I feel is and I think history will be far kinder to Georgia, I like Iru's entry. If the staging and performance is as impressive as the video clip suggests, it will be an eye-catching song that elevates on its more traditional 'ethnic' sound. The only minor quibble I have is that Iru's vocals are nigh-unintelligible. </div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: Albania, but I find Georgia's entry fresher.</div><div><b>Prediction: </b>Qualifying, and hopely better than 9th place in the Grand Finals.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 0%.</div><div><br /></div></div><div><i><b>San Marino</b></i></div><div><br /></div><div><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hjfq-T-8WHw&pp=ygUbcGlxdWVkIGphY2tzIGxpa2UgYW4gYW5pbWFs">Piqued Jacks - Like an animal</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: English</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: Pop rock</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>While I'm convinced San Marino's participations are a ploy by the microstate's Office of Tourism, lately they have seemed to become more serious about maybe winning. With only 3 qualifications out of 13 performances, things don't look very encouraging, unfortunately. </div><div><b>Best Sammarinese result so far</b>: 19th in 2019. Yeah.</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: 'Like an animal' is a competently made rock track that packs some punch, disregarding the version of the song we got to see in advance, that was kind of muted in terms of audio mixing. While it doesn't share the brash camp energy of <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vCmX64N_sXM&pp=ygUdYWNoaWxsZSBsYXVybyBldXJvdmlzaW9uIDIwMjI%3D">Achille Lauro</a>'s entry and doesn't feel like winner-bait like <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRAN7AzEKak&pp=ygURc2VuaGl0IGFkcmVuYWxpbmE%3D">Senhit's 'Adrenalina'</a> from 2021, it also doesn't have that much going for it.</div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: Australia, which is leagues better at this with their entry, unfortunately.</div><div><b>Prediction: </b>Not qualifying.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 0%.</div></div><div><br /></div></div><div><div><i><b>Austria</b></i></div><div><br /></div><div><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZMmLeV47Au4&pp=ygUOdGl5YSAmIHNlbGVuYSA%3D">Teya & Selena - Who the hell is Edgar?</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: English</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: Quirky hipster pop with an intellectual edge</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>Three failed qualifications in a row have taken off a bit of the edge of Austria's lustre off of their 2014 victory and 2018 bronze medal. Austria is back firmly in the pack of generally sub-par contestants.</div><div><b>Best Austrian result so far</b>: Won twice (1966 and 2014). Also came last 7 times, but the last time that happened was in 1991.</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: I'm not personally a fan of this track. I find it a bit jumbled structurally and too lacking in substance. If you're going to make coy references to Edgar Allan Poe and Shakespeare's ghosts inhabiting your body, better make it either deep or funny, and this is neither to sufficient degrees. Still, it is a bold choice and the performers do not lack for energy. I could also be completely off base, seeing the positive response from the enfranchised audience. I was also dead wrong about Serbia's off-beat entry last year, and audiences lapped it up enthusiastically.</div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: Maybe Romania in terms of zaniness, but Austria's entry is much more mature.</div><div><b>Prediction: </b>Not qualifying.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 0%.</div></div></div></div></div></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i><b>Albania</b></i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mp8OG4ApocI&pp=ygUgQWxiaW5hICYgRmFtaWxqYSBLZWxtZW5kaSAtIER1amU%3D">Albina & Familja Kelmendi - Duje</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: Albanian</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: Wailing Balkan power pop.</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>While Eurovision's enfranchised audience has embraced Albania as one of those countries that offer entries truer to their native culture, this has never translated into good results, with a pretty spotty qualification record.</div><div><b>Best Albanian result so far</b>: 5th in 2012.</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: A lot will depend on this entry's staging and performance. I unfortunately feel like this entry is stuck in an early 2000s mindset where Balkan pop and power ballads were relatively new and felt authentic to the Eurovision audience. 'Duje' doesn't do anything unexpected, and similar entries in recent years haven't performed well, either. Its saving grace could be it's now the only entry in its lane, where it might have faced competition from similar entries from Turkey or Montenegro earlier.</div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: Georgia.</div><div><b>Prediction: </b>Qualifying.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 1%, if the stars align and the absolute favorites don't deliver.</div></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i><b>Lithuania</b></i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68lbEUDuWUQ">Monika Linkytė - Stay</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: English, Lithuanian</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: Power ballad.</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>Lithuania has alternated decent years with years of not qualifying. I would say they are mostly regarded a mid-tier nation with occasional cracks at the sub-top.</div><div><b>Best Lithuanian result so far</b>: 6th in 2006.</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: Lithuania is often willing to switch it up and try new things. 'Stay' isn't one of these entries, and is the quintessential Eurovision power ballad. Nothing about the song is incompetent or too boring, but nothing really stands out (except the odd idiosyncrasy of the all-bronze outfit) either. If Estonia and/or Greece manage to elevate their material - and I think they musically have more to work with - I'm afraid of this one's chances.</div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: Estonia and Greece.</div><div><b>Prediction: </b>Qualifying, but barely and only on the back of a relatively weak Semi-Final.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 0%.</div><div><br /></div></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i><b>Australia</b></i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqtu2GspT80">Voyager - Promise</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: English</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: Electropop meets power metal</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>Despite this only being Australia's 8th performance, their record so far is very impressive. Apart from the most hardened skeptics or casuals who believe Australia doesn't 'belong' in ESC, our friends from down-under have more than earned their keep, and it feels like it's only a matter of time until they win ESC. Part of me likes to believe Australia led the way for the UK to show them how it's done as an English-speaking nation to reinvent themselves at the Contest.</div><div><b>Best Australian result so far</b>: 2nd in 2016.</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: I don't think there's ever been an entry combining electropop and metal at Eurovision, not to mention any song that seems to meld both so effortlessly. The '80s power chords and ditto vocals shift into metal grunts and elevated power-pop singing with ease, and the chorus is an earworm to boot. This the good stuff.</div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: In the Grand Finals: Germany, most definitely, but I think Australia's offering edges out Germany's for feeling fresher and <i>even more</i> out-of-the-box. It is possible that after out-Britting the Brits, Australia is now out-Germaning the Germans. What a country.</div><div><b>Prediction: </b>Qualifying comfortably, then top 10.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 8% if the stars align.</div><div><br /></div></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><h4>My qualifying prediction for semi-final 2:</h4><div><ul><li>Australia</li><li>Austria</li><li>Armenia</li><li>Belgium</li><li>Cyprus</li><li>Estonia</li><li>Georgia</li><li>Iceland</li><li>Lithuania</li><li>Slovenia</li></ul></div></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b>The Big Five and Ukraine</b></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><div><i><b>France</b></i></div><div><br /></div><div><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GWfbEFH9NvQ&pp=ygUTbGEgemFycmEgZXZpZGVtbWVudA%3D%3D">La Zarra - Évidemment</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: French</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: French jazz-pop</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>While results have largely been undewhelming for France in the past 20 years, the country still holds a lot of distinction because of its apparent refusal to bend to trends (even if this isn't really true). Like Spain, the United Kingdom and Germany, France has mostly been in a big funk, barring 2021's second place.</div><div><b>Best French result so far</b>: Won 5 times (1958, 1960, 1962, 1969, 1977), came 2nd 5 times (1957, 1976, 1990, 1991 and 2021) and came 3rd 7 times (1959, 1965, 1967, 1968, 1978, 1980 and 1981).</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: While the enfranchised audience seems to enjoy 'Évidemment' a lot, the same was true for most of their other recent entries, nearly all of which failed to perform well in the Grand Final. While the song has the typical French self-confidence and maturity going for it and it is well-produced, with a seasoned performer at the helm, it doesn't feel fundamentally different to many of their previous entries. Those didn't work well, and I fail to see how 'Évidemment' would change that. On a more personal note, I was very surprised that last year's '<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CO07xLUlK2g&pp=ygUGZnVsZW5u">Fulenn</a>' garnered so few votes. Perhaps France is one of those countries trapped in the unenviable position of having to perform what the public at large expects of them, while that same public generally doesn't really like their performances, excepting <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Unj9WbeLzRU&pp=ygUTYmFyYmFyYSBwcmF2aSB2b2lsYQ%3D%3D">Barbara Pravi's 2021 entry</a>, which lost out only because Italy was <i>even better</i> at doing this.</div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: Lithuania operates in a similar space, but France's entry looks more self-assured.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 0%.</div></div><div><br /></div><div><i><b>Germany</b></i></div><div><br /></div><div><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y12_YMs9kCQ&pp=ygUibG9yZCBvZiB0aGUgbG9zdCBibG9vZCBhbmQgZ2xpdHRlcg%3D%3D">Lord of the Lost - Blood & Glitter</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: English</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: Glamour metal opera, or Lordi on a more LBGTQI vibe.</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>Germany's been on a long string of disappointing results with a kind of airy "throw things at the wall and see what sticks" vibe.</div><div><b>Best German result so far</b>: Won twice (1982 and 2010), 2nd place 4 times (1980, 1981, 1985, 1987) and 3rd place 5 times (1970, 1971, 1972, 1994, 1999). They also came last 8 times. For a country with its pedigree of participations, results have mostly been very underwhelming since the early 1980s.</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: For one, rock and metal have been fully rehabilitated at the ESC for a while now, and that's a good thing. Second, its an energetic track that embraces its own boldness and has a distinct identity, with a vocalist that is just as distinct and charismatic. If the campy and more glam rock stylings of the song gel together well with the screams and double basses, I think this will be a memorable performance worth talking about and voting for. Unfortunately, Germany has been the red-headed stepchild of the Contest in the public image for so long, it might get dragged down below its station due to the ESC baggage it carries.</div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: Australia, for sure, but they could also lift each other up.</div><div><b>Prediction: </b>By all rights, this should end up in the top half at least.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 3%, if the performance blows everyone else out of the water.</div></div><div><br /></div><div><i><b>Italy</b></i></div><div><br /></div><div><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N4HBDAbdXUg">Marco Mengoni - Due vite</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: Italian</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: Traditional Italian rock ballad</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>After re-entering Eurovision in 2011, Italy definitively buried the notion the Big Four (henceforth Five) don't perform well because people don't like them. They were just bad, and Italy called them out on it. With 10 out of 12 entries reaching the top 10 since their re-entry, Italy stand as one of the current-day Eurovision superpowers.</div><div><b>Best Italian result so far</b>: Won 3 times (1964, 1990 and 2021), 2nd place 3 times (1974, 2011, 2019) and 3rd place 5 times (1958, 1963, 1975, 1987, 2015). 1958's third-placed 'Nel blu, dipinto di blu' is apparently also the world's most-covered song.</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: Italy have been suffering from the 'Sweden Disease', in that their image as a Eurovision great will pull up even weaker entries, and I'm afraid this will come into effect here again. 'Due vite' feels like a weaker rethread of '<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A410y4a0oWU&pp=ygUKZmFpIHJ1bW9yZQ%3D%3D">Fai rumore</a>' combined with last year's '<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=blEy4xHuMbY&pp=ygUHYnJpdmlkaQ%3D%3D">Brividi</a>'. As it stands, the staging looks uninspiring and the song itself is anything that could have participated in Eurovision from 1985 onwards. While its timelessness, quality vocal and good production will garner it votes, it will mainly have to count on its Italianness to carry it through.</div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: Any of the power ballads that make it through to the Grand Finals.</div><div><b>Prediction: </b>This might actually not perform all that well and end up bottom 5.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 0%.</div></div><div><br /></div><div><i><b>Spain</b></i></div><div><br /></div><div><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yxuO0qZITko">Blanca Paloma - Eaea</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: Spanish</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: A scorching Spanish flamenco elegy</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>After almost 20 years of languishing in the desert of near-bottom and bottom-tier entries, Spain surprisingly reinvented itself in 2022.</div><div><b>Best Spanish result so far</b>: Won twice (1968, 1969), came 2nd 4 times (1971, 1973, 1979, 1995) and came 3rd twice (1984, 2022).</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: Where to start. I am generally not a fan of Spanish entries into Eurovision. Most of them have been bad, boring or derivative. But just as surprised I was at Chanel's high-powered, charismatic performance last year, I am super-excited that Spain have chosen to continue their upward trajectory in terms of quality - and then some. 'Eaea' offers not only a devastating vocal performance that smartly blends electronic beeps and basses with traditional (but difficult) polyphony, the song eschews traditional pop track structures completely and offers a full-blown, hair-raising elegiac. I don't think understanding even a shred of Spanish is necessary to feel the raw emotion here, and if the internal selection's staging is anything to go by, we could be in for a real treat. The only possible downside I see is that the general audience might think it a bit <i>too</i> intense. However, I cannot see e.g. audiences in Southern Europe and the Balkans not liking this. </div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: There is nothing like it. In fact, it might riff off of the contrast with cooler and understated entries like Ukraine's.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 10%.</div></div><div><br /></div><div><i><b>Ukraine</b></i></div><div><br /></div><div><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=neIscK1hNxs&pp=ygUWdHZvcmNoaSBoZWFydCBvZiBzdGVlbA%3D%3D">TVORCHI - Heart of steel</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: English</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: Slick futurist hip-hop by way of 2008 Justin Timberlake</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>Ukraine is a current Eurovision superpower on par with Sweden and Italy. Its image looms large with even the casual Eurovision viewer, discounting the terrible war the country finds itself in. Ukraine is a country that seems to <i>understand</i> the modern Festival at its core. Since entering the contest in 2003, they have never not qualified for the Grand Final.</div><div><b>Best Ukrainian result so far</b>: Won 3 times (2004, 2016 and obviously, 2022), came 2nd twice (2007, 2008) and 3rd once (2013).</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: I have the impression 'Heart of steel' is flying deeply under the radar for many people. On the one hand, there are residual feelings of Ukraine "stealing" last year's contest (which I don't believe), on the other hand, 'Heart of steel' may sound a bit too small or underwhelming at first. However, there is nothing like it in the contest, the production is superb and its vibe is testament to a coherent pop vision of what it should be. </div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: Armenia and Israel occupy conceptually somewhat similar spaces, but even that is a stretch. We have never had really competitive hip-hop at ESC, and this could be it.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 15%.</div></div><div><br /></div><div><i><b>United Kingdom</b></i></div><div><br /></div><div><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJ21grjN6wU">Mae Muller - I wrote a song</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: English</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: Empowering girl-pop in the style of Mabel</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>While the UK had been a Eurovision laughing stock, culminating in back-to-back last places in 2019 and 2021 (the last of which even received the very first 'double nul' score), Sam Ryder's 2nd place last year completely revitalised the UK. Ryder's work is not to be underestimated, because at the time, British entries were suffering not just from bad quality, but also from simply being British.</div><div><b>Best British result so far</b>: Won five times (1967, 1969, 1976, 1981, 1997), came 2nd 15(!) times (1959, 1960, 1961, 1964, 1965, 1968, 1970, 1975, 1977, 1988, 1989, 1992, 1993, 1998 and 2022) and 3rd 3 times (1973, 1980, 2002). The UK also came last 5 times (2003, 2008, 2010, 2019, 2021)..</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: While Sam Ryder brought a mixture of Elton John and poppy David Bowie back to Eurovision to be celebrated as quintessential British music sensibilities, and with heaps of charisma to boot, Mae Muller seems to be taking a more modern approach but still in the same footsteps. I'm all the more glad for it, after almost 20 years of dull, fearful and silly crap that tried to <i>engineer</i> success for the biggest common denominator, while losing track of what makes British music so unique and popular across the world. 'I wrote a song' is both snappy and upbeat, with good production and an unmistakably Bri'ish spoken bridge I quite enjoy the sassiness of. </div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: If Iceland and Norway make it to the final, they operate in similar content territory, but Mae Muller's offering feels more self-aware and mature. I still think this will do well, likely even top 10. Let's hope the Britainassance continues.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 8%.</div></div><div><br /></div><div><h4><br /></h4><h4>My predictions for the Grand Final:</h4><div><ol><li>Sweden</li><li>Serbia</li><li>Finland</li><li>Czechia</li><li>Spain</li><li>Moldova</li><li>Australia</li><li>United Kingdom</li><li>Ukraine</li><li>Germany</li><li>Netherlands</li><li>Cyprus</li><li>Iceland</li><li>Armenia</li><li>Georgia</li><li>Austria</li><li>Malta</li><li>Italy</li><li>Norway</li><li>France</li><li>Switzerland</li><li>Azerbaijan</li><li>Slovenia</li><li>Lithuania</li><li>Belgium</li><li>Estonia</li></ol></div></div></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b><br /></b></div>Anton Voloshinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02975731085496119073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012138227361813864.post-40011673132282974322023-03-24T11:30:00.129+01:002023-04-03T00:58:13.502+02:00Eurovision Song Contest 2023: Previews, reviews and predictions (part I)<div style="text-align: justify;">Those who'd like to go straight to the previews and predictions can skip the preamble below (or preramble, if you will) and begin reading at '<b>ESC 2023's state of play</b>'.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><h3 style="text-align: justify;"><b>Hi, hello</b></h3><div style="text-align: justify;">It's been a while. For those people who used to read this blog wanting some backstory about my three-year posting hiatus on it, there's an explanation at the very end of the post (<b>'About my posting hiatus'</b>).</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">For those just reading this blog for the first time: this is my English-language blog that I keep a bit separate from the rest (I'm a Dutch-language writer of fiction, non-fiction, poetry, opinion pieces and a bit of a general language creative, but I also hold an M.A. in English language and literature and started learning English when I was 8). I am from and still live in Belgium.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><h3 style="text-align: justify;"><b>Eurovision, you and me</b></h3><div style="text-align: justify;">As I was born in 1983, my Eurovision memories go back a pretty long time. The first Eurovision song I can remember hearing is <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jw_7dmmvHI0">Johnny Logan's 'Hold me now'</a>, which he won the contest with in 1987 (and to date is the only person to have won it as a performer twice, 1987 cementing his second win). Because the live-event took place quite late in the evening, the first Eurovision show I was allowed to (partially) watch was the 1992 edition, and the 1993 edition was the first one I watched completely. This was both the time of Ireland's absurd winning streak and the Contest itself being increasingly viewed as old-fashioned and of questionable artistic merit. Still, it was an important annual televised event. At the turn of <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaZOVYCb9uY">Dana International's 'Diva'</a> winning the ESC in 1998, I actively began enjoying the increasingly campy nature of it.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">This was also the onset of a few confusing editions where the ESC was trying to reinvent itself and also struggling with the glut of new contestants from Central- and East-European countries. As it coincided with my college years and Belgium became an on-and-off participant, I lost interest a little until <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAh9NRGNhUU">Lordi's 'Hard rock hallelujah'</a> firmly entrenched ESC's modern era as a spectacle full of outrageous performance, thickly-applied camp and diversity in 2006. I've never skipped an edition since, even if I had to watch it all by myself, because a majority among my friends still thought of the ESC as an unserious, unartistic affair at best, and a stodgy, boring waste of time at worst.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">But we've come a long way. I believe that the past decade has been a new Golden Age for ESC. After maybe overdosing a little too much on the irony and weirdness (I'm looking at the rogue gallery here of Jedward, Dustin the Turkey, a long list of utterly embarrassing British entries, gratuitous appeal to sleaze, and Zdob și Zdub's first entry), the Contest eventually self-corrected. This coincided with the poptimism movement and the advent of music streaming, which tore down the walls of genre pigeonholing, elitism and allowed genuine artistic intent to become part of the ESC mix once more.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><h3 style="text-align: justify;"><b>ESC 2023's state of play</b></h3><div style="text-align: justify;">Apparently, ESC 2023 has the lowest number of participating countries since 2014. Bulgaria, Montenegro and North Macedonia didn't come back, citing financial reasons. That may well be true, but none of these countries had many memorable entries, so a lack of success may have also played a role. None of the countries who dropped out of the Contest earlier have broken their absent streak, so we won't be seeing Hungary, Luxembourg, Monaco or Türkiye again, so all participating countries belong to our list of usual suspects. Also, the total number of participating countries is still a hefty 37.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">In the run-up to the contest in January-February, response to the tracks already released was a bit lukewarm, with pre-game talk of 2023 becoming a weaker edition after 2021's quality year and 2022's strong (but not <i>as</i> strong) follow-up. With the final dozen or so entries being confirmed in March, it buried that notion. In fact, 2023 looks as strong, if not stronger than 2022, so I expect it to be a highly competitive edition.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><h3 style="text-align: justify;"><b>Qualifying statements</b></h3><div style="text-align: justify;">Because of changes in the voting procedure, the EBU has introduced a new element of uncertainty: the international vote. I was kind of wary of the concept initially. Why should countries who don't or can't participate get a say in all of this? I've since turned around and understand that this is a good community-building measure and is also good for inclusivity. The Eurovision Song Contest has long since ceased to be just a thing by and for Europeans (oh hi Ozzies). Barring unforseen shenanigans, I also think it won't affect the ultimate outcome of the Contest a lot. Now, let's dive into the meat and potatoes and slather ourselves with gravy.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><h4 style="text-align: justify;"><b>Semi-final 1</b></h4><div style="text-align: justify;">The first semi-final is the stronger of the two. Unfortunately, this will mean we will leave behind tracks that would have been deserving of a Grand Final performance, but it is what it is. It also means the SF1 top 3 is likely to contain the winner of the entire ESC, so if there is one semi to watch, I would recommend this one.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><div><div><i><b>Norway</b></i></div><div><br /></div><div><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zt7U0-N1mlk">Alessandra - Queen of kings</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: English</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: Yass queen slay pop</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>They may not like to hear it, but Norway is kind of Sweden's eccentric little brother. Barring 2016, they've made ever final since 2013, but before that lies a record littered with very, <i>very</i> mixed results. Still, lately they are known as a competent and quirky country that many Eurovision fans would at least consider as sub-top. That's a good thing.</div><div><b>Best Norwegian result so far</b>: Won 3 times (1985, 1995, 2009). They also came dead last a staggering <i>11 times</i>, which is still the ESC record.</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: Despite the small hype surrounding this entry and the smooth production, I'm afraid that this entry suffers from being too <i>engineered</i> (much like Ireland's) to appeal to the LBGTQ+, feminist and camp fans. While a good performance would probably carry it into the finals, it will likely end up in the second half of the table there because of its ultimate superficiality. Empowering bops are certainly a way to go, but in recent years, most of them have had underwhelming performances (<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mYYWSEAa9s">Croatia 2019</a>, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbbc2yKnv0M">Malta</a> and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSiZmR1c7Q4">Azerbaijan 2021</a>, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kq2AJrWm04s">Ireland 2022</a>). A bad performance may relegate it to the likes of Albania's entry last year, which also had hype from enfranchised audiences but failed to deliver.</div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: Israel.</div><div><b>Prediction</b>: Qualifying, likely to end up in the left half of the table but not cracking top 10.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 1%.</div></div></div><div><br /></div><div><i><b>Malta</b></i></div><div><br /></div><div><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Apqwl0ayL6A">The Busker - Dance (Our own party)</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: English</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: Hipster rockers</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>Malta's recent record is quite spotty. They have a faint echo of the United Kingdom and Ireland's latter-day troubles in often trying to <i>engineer</i> a winning entry but then falling quite short, though their results are not as abysmal as those of the British and the Irish.</div><div><b>Best Maltese result so far</b>: Came 2nd twice (2002, 2005), and 3rd twice (1992, 1998) as well. It's one of those ESC countries that people seem to be sure they will win <i>soon</i>.</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: 'Dance (Our own party)' speaks to the likely ageing audience of hipsters by blending mundanity with smooth production values yet retaining an aesthetic of awkwardness and homeliness. Their track is also very Internet-friendly and probably jives with what casual ESC viewers think the Contest is like these days. They basically bring an act that is a bigger, wider version of the so-awkward-it's-cool vibe of <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSMhu-PrLME">Daði og Gagnamagnið</a>, which would have purportedly won ESC 2020 and came 4th in 2021. Personally: I don't like it a lot. To me, it feels all a bit contrived and wink-wink, nudge-nudge. Maybe not as overtly hipster-baiting as 2022's <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TM0_0WfuxSk">Citi Zēni</a> for Latvia, but it does edge into that territory.</div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: Portugal's entry has a similar energy even if it's musically very different.</div><div><b>Prediction</b>: Qualifying, but not convincingly so.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 0%</div></div></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><div><br /></div><div><div><i><b>Serbia</b></i></div><div><br /></div><div><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oeIVwYUge8o">Luke Black - Само ми се спава</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: English, Serbian</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: Sassy witch-house influenced by 'The Matrix' and anime</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>Serbia won the Eurovision Song Contest on its first entry as an independent nation in 2007, with <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FSueQN1QvV4">Marija Šerifović's 'Molitva'</a>. Serbia tended to do pretty well after, usually qualifying for the final, but their entries getting stranded there in the zone of mediocrity. However, Serbia is on an upward trajectory. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3S1jrYq87Zw">Konstrakta's 'In corpore sano'</a> did surprisingly well last year, demonstrating that a committed artistic entry that doesn't take its audience for idiots can perform.</div><div><b>Best Serbian result so far</b>: Won once (2007), came 3rd once (2012).</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: I'm not surprised Luke Black has some connections to last year's <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBtQj1MfNYA">Konstrakta</a>. They operate in the same art-pop area, though Luke Black slants more to the pop side of things. I think people who liked Konstrakta's entry will also like his, and he has a built-in audience of a younger crowd (under 40) who appreciate references to anime, 'The Matrix' and his finely-tuned sassiness as a performer. Serbia is sending a visually very appealing package with a confident performer who is very aware of Eurovision camp but just dips into it (seriously, his little laugh near the end!) instead of completely embracing it to hide a lack of substance.</div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: Sweden's entry has some overlap with Serbia's, although Serbia's is darker. I also don't think they will be direct competitors in the semi because these are both acts with a fully-developed style and identity.</div><div><b>Prediction</b>: Qualifying for the final, and top 10 position there, possibly even top 5.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 15%. The only thing keeping Serbia's winning chances down is Sweden. It won't matter in the semis, but it will in the finals.</div></div></div></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i><b>Latvia</b></i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XRV2-jPqaUw">Sudden Lights - Aijā</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: English, Latvian</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: 2010s alt-rock</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>Latvia failed to qualify for the final for the 6 preceding years, and discounting 2015-2016, for another 5. Despite winning the Contest back in 2002, they now share the space with a couple of other countries with the label "unpredictable and possibly weird", often enjoyed by the in-crowd but less favoured by the general public. They share this space with e.g. Georgia, and Belgium used to be in this space in the 1970s and 1980s, but being a small and relatively lesser known country doesn't help their case. Latvia's performance and staging is usually on point, though, which can't be said about Georgia and Belgium.</div><div><b>Best Latvian result so far</b>: Won once (2002), came 3rd on their first participation in 2000 (which may have set the tone for "lovably quirky").</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: One of the reasons I spent so much words on 'What came before' is because I tend to sympathise with Latvia's entries - well-produced, sometimes out-of-the-box, sometimes duds, and this entry in particular is both polished and aimed at alt rock-loving audiences who are looking for a more authentic performance (also the rumbling claps reminded me a lot of some of Moderat's work). I think Sudden Lights' performance will depend on Europe's mood a lot during the first semi.</div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: Maybe the Netherlands. If they make it into the finals, Germany.</div><div><b>Prediction</b>: This won't be a popular darling, I'm afraid, but they have a very solid chance at qualifying.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 2%.</div></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><div><br /></div></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i><b>Portugal</b></i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wa3suiOzAAk">Mimicat - Ai Coração</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: Portuguese</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: Electroswing meets Iberian folk-bop</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>Portugul is still riding the ripples of their win in 2017 but later entries seem to have fallen back into the fold of middling results.</div><div><b>Best Portuguese result so far</b>: Won once (2017). Portugal also came last 4 times, though (1964, 1974, 1997 and 2018).</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: 'Ai Coração' is a very <i>now</i> Eurovision-y entry, for lack of better words, displaying authenticity, cheekiness and a recognisable form of ethnicity without going overboard on any of these things. Despite the performance's energy, I find the song itself kind of middling ESC fare that many people will like but fewer will actually love.</div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: None really in the semi (barring <i>maybe </i>Azerbaijan and Israel), which is a good thing, but should Mimicat make the final, it'll likely fall flat against bigger, more engaging, more <i>now</i> and more ethnic productions.</div><div><b>Prediction</b>: Ultimately not qualifying.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 0%</div><div><br /></div><div><div><i><b>Ireland</b></i></div><div><br /></div><div><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ak5Fevs424Y">Wild Youth - We are one</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: English</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: Lab-grown ESC rock with a positive message</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>The days of Ireland being a Eurovision juggernaut are long past us. Barring a few bright spots in 2000, 2006 and 2011, Ireland has consistently performed poorly. Even when it did make it into the finals, it got destroyed there, becoming last in 2007 and 2013, and also becoming last in the semis in 2019 and 2021.</div><div><b>Best Irish result so far</b>: Won 7 times, which is still the Contest's record (1970, 1980, 1987, 1992, 1993, 1994 and 1996). In addition, singer Johnny Logan is known as Mr. Eurovision on account of winning the contest two times as a performer (1980 and 1987) and one time as a producer (1992). Lastly, Ireland came 2nd 4 times (1967, 1984, 1990 and 1997). I will never forgive Ireland for unleashing Riverdance on the global public, though.</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: These aren't the droids you're looking for. While in the past 15 years or so, the general ESC audience has dunked on the United Kingdom for sending uninspired, tone-deaf or plain bad entries, Ireland has actually suffered from much the same issues and seems to be caught in a similar vicious cycle. Wild Youth's entry is certainly a competently made song and nothing about it is bad or controversial, but it is stuck in its own idea of <i>engineering</i> for Eurovision. Added to that, Ireland has had some staging issues in the past few years, which unfortunately diminished the inherent quality of the contestants they've sent. While I have the impression the staging will at least be decent this time, the song itself seems to be a relic from the 2000s batch of genetically enhanced pop-rock songs aimed at the broadest possible audience.</div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: Malta and Switzerland, but the former is more fun and the latter more sincere.</div><div><b>Prediction</b>: Not qualifying.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 0%</div><div><br /></div><div><div><i><b>Croatia</b></i></div><div><br /></div><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AyKj8jA0Qoc">Let 3 - Mama ŠČ!</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: Croatian</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: A mixture of drag, cabaret and low-brow street theatre</div><div><b>What came before? </b>Croatia hasn't had the best Eurovision results. It hasn't reached a top 10 result for 22 years and has failed to progress to the final 9 out of 13 times since 2010. The country is clearly in an extended ESC tailspin, and while it came very close to qualifying for the final several times with interesting packages like <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vKdxjoNluzY">Albina in 2021</a>, it just never gelled and Croatia are unfortunately regarded as bottom-tier ESC competitors.</div><div><b>Best Croatian result so far</b>: 4th place twice (1996 and 1999).</div><div><b>Opinion</b>: This entry competes with Poland for the worst entry of the 2023 edition in my opinion. Both seem to be flashbacks to the early 2000s era, but different aspects of it. In Let 3's case, they hearken back to the days of camp edgelording and tread the line between serious and unserious, which could be forgiven if the song was appealing in any sort of way. Which is not the case. It's more performance than music, but the performance that I've seen from the official release looks messy and incoherent, like a carnival after-party with drunk revelers slapping on shoddy costumes and cheap wigs at the local bar. Whatever message Let 3 is trying to convey is lost in a mess of a poorly produced track, and worse, because it is sung entirely in Croatian, it is also literally lost on anyone not from ex-Yugoslavia.</div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: Viewers who love irony and camp will likely be drawn more to Finland.</div><div><b>Prediction</b>: This will not survive the semis, unless the public is in a big contrarian mood and ends up both pushing Finland and Croatia.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 0%</div></div></div></div></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><div><div><b><i>Switzerland</i></b></div><div><br /></div><div><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8-Sbc_GZMc">Remo Forrer - Watergun</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: English</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: Anti-war power ballad</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>Switzerland's recent entries have had mixed results to say the least, in part because of the <i>engineering</i> problem I pointed out earlier for other countries.</div><div><b>Best Swiss result so far</b>: Won twice (1956, 1988), came 2nd three times (1958, 1963, 1968) and came 3rd 4 times (1961, 1982, 1993 and 2021). Switzerland also came last 5 times and was the first country to score 'nul points' in a Semi-Final with the now infamous <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUX3_0KM7fc">Piero & The Music Stars</a>' awful vocals, the lead vocalist slapping himself in the face with his microphone and his screechy, sinister laugh near the end.</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: While a competently-made anti-war power ballad, it feels a little generic and could have been an entry from any country between 2010 and 2019. The song's general pacifist message may also not sit well with an audience gritting its teeth at "why can't we all get along"-media pieces about the Russo-Ukrainian war, but then again it might actually resonate with the audience that's tired of this war, as callous as it sounds. Remo Forrer has a warm voice with a lot of range, and staging could help him out a lot.</div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: In a way, Czechia is Switzerland's opposite in this semi. The more the public likes Czechia's entry (which is better by degrees), the less likely it is for the Swiss to progress.</div><div><b>Prediction</b>: Qualifying, but barely, and then getting relegated to the bottom tier in the Grand Final.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 0%.</div></div><div><br /></div><div><div><i><b>Israel</b></i></div><div><br /></div><div><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4wbdKmM3bQ">Noa Kirel - Unicorn</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: English</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: Girly power pop</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>Despite turning in mostly middling performances in the last 15 years (barring <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=84LBjXaeKk4">Netta's 'Toy'</a>), Israel can still coast on a respectable pedigree and will always stand out if only because it is the only country located in Asia that performs in the Contest. This conspicuousness isn't all good, though, because it's also a lightning rod to attract attention to Israel's Apartheid regime, and raises more red flags every year, especially since Russia was banned in 2022. I dislike introducing politics into this post, but to not metion them is leaving the elephant in the room unmentioned. Also, unfortunately, last year's performer, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNFeohWlA20">Michael Ben David</a>, probably was ESC's most disliked performer as a person due to his antics in the Green Room. On the musical side of things, Israel, again excepting Netta, have struggled more recently due to their glow of otherness and orientalism (which is a problematic concept in itself, but it is <i>there</i>) now being shared with other nations like the Caucasus and Balkan entrants.</div><div><b>Best Israeli result so far</b>: Won 4 times (1978, 1979, 1998 and 2018), came 2nd twice (1981, 1982) and 3rd once (1991).</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: Noa Kirel seems like a charismatic performer and the song is a well-crafted power pop affair, true to the tradition of excellent Israeli production. I do fear it may not stand out a lot, especially in this competitive first semi-final, and a lot will depend on her staging and performance. Israel tends to do staging well, though, so I wouldn't entirely write off Noa. Also, the creature flashed twice in her videoclip is a centaur, not a unicorn (unikirel?).</div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: Norway and to an extent Portugal, but neither country has the millstone around its proverbial neck the way Israel does.</div><div><b>Prediction</b>: Not qualifying, but barely. Or barely qualifying.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 0%.</div></div><div><br /></div><div><i><b>Moldova</b></i></div><div><br /></div><div><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=se9LDgFW6ak">Pasha Parfeni - Soarele și luna</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: Romanian</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: Balkan house bop</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>Moldova qualified for the Grand Final 12 out of 17 times since their first entry in 2005. The enfranchised ESC audience as well as the general public has come to recognise Moldova as a country with understated but clearly present ambitions to one day win the whole thing and sees e.g. Zdob și Zdub, Natalia Gordienko and SunStroke Project as Eurovision nobility. In addition, Moldova's staging tends to be free-spirited and infectious. The juries tend to be more cautious in their voting patterns, and outsiders still struggle with name-recognition, but Moldova is a consistent player in ESC's sub-top. I am quite confident that barring unforseen events, one day Moldova <i>will </i>win ESC within the next 15 years<i>.</i></div><div><b>Best Moldovan result so far</b>: 3rd in 2017.</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: This is Pasha Parfeni's second Eurovision participation. While most other Balkan nations are shying away from the "typical" Balkan pop entries, Pasha is doubling down on it, but this is not some 2007 rehash. 'Soarele și luna' has slick production values and brings a more poppy offering to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CO07xLUlK2g">France's (unfortunately!) failed 2022</a> entry and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqvzDkgok_g">Ukraine's top 5 banger from 2021</a>. If the staging and performance are solid, which Moldova is known for, this could be a sleeper hit.</div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: None, though they will face similar competition in the Grand Final.</div><div><b>Prediction</b>: Probably qualifying, though it will depend on the voting public's mood. If they are in for Czechia's entry, they will also like Moldova's, which could ride its coattails.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 1%.</div><div><br /></div><div><div><b><i>Sweden</i></b></div><div><br /></div><div><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3vJfR81xO0">Loreen - Tattoo</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: English</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: '<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pfo-8z86x80">Euphoria</a>' in a 2023 remake</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>Since 2011, Sweden replaced Ireland as the country to beat. While Sweden's dominance hasn't been as earth-shattering as Ireland's in the 1990s, perhaps them not winning it <i>too</i> often has resulted in a bit more sympathy from the audience. Also, Sweden's entries may not be avant-garde, but have a really good sense of Europe's musical taste.</div><div><b>Best Swedish result so far</b>: Won 6 times (1974, 1984, 1991, 1999, 2012 and 2015), came 2nd once (1966) and 3rd 6 times (1983, 1985, 1995, 1996, 2011 and 2014).</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: Loreen has a good chance of winning the whole thing (again), perhaps to the chagrin of contrarians. While it's true her 'Tattoo' musically riffs off of 'Euphoria', if she can bring the same energy, volume and art to the main ESC stage as she did in the finals of the Swedish selection contest, she is dead-on making the final. Musically, 'Tattoo' isn't very innovative, but its production and Loreen's stage presence lift it up several levels above other competitors. Also the lifting ceiling is a nifty staging trick.</div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: Maybe Serbia.</div><div><b>Prediction</b>: Loreen might win it all again.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 30%.</div></div></div></div></div></div></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i><b>Azerbaijan</b></i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dvsr-L3HgY">TuralTuranX - Tell me more</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: English</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: early 2000s pop- and relaxing rock</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>Azerbaijan tends to send smart entries that are in tune with Eurovision's mood and temperature. Out of their 14 entries, only one missed finals qualification, and only by a hair's breadth. </div><div><b>Best Azeri result so far</b>: Won once (2011), came 2nd once (2013) and came 3d once (2009).</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: Shamelessly ripping off <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jnq9wPDoDKg">Sixpence None the Richer's 'Kiss me'</a> may not be readily noticeable to the younger audience, but to me it is. Still, that doesn't mean my generation of voters will dislike it. It's a competently-made entry that seems to have taken lessons from mortal enemy Armenia's 2022 entry 'Snap', but mellowed it down a little. It's nice. Not very inspiring, but nice and not bland.</div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: The Netherlands, perhaps Portugal.</div><div><b>Prediction</b>: I think this could qualify, if only on the back of Azerbaijan's reputation as a strong ESC country.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 1%. If Europe is in the mood for another go at the <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C76xn52ZbhA">Olsen Brothers 2.0</a>, who knows! It's been 23 years and I'm still not over how mystifying it was seeing two old men with the charisma of a burnt-out campfire win ESC.</div></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i><b>Czechia</b></i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFm-hw2rUeA">Vesna - My sister's crown</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: Bulgarian, Czech, English, Ukrainian</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: Slavic feminism by way of harmonies and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F1fl60ypdLs">Kalush Orchestra</a></div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>Czechia has yet to make any real impact on Eurovision, having only participated since 2007. Some of its entries received modest hype, but none of them have been truly memorable in a good way. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7T6vbLmluxk">We Are Domi's 'Where are you now'</a> last year faced an uphill battle as a pure house track, but managed to push through on account of its sublime staging and basically vibing more with the crowd than <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tF6LY7lnVFU">Austria's entry</a> that covered a similar space.</div><div><b>Best Czech result so far</b>: 6th place in 2018.</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: 'My sister's crown' feels like a genuinely-lived entry that luckily shies away from the 2018-2021 hipster stuff that mainly seemed like it was trying to copy Swedish productions. In other words, <i>engineered</i>. The hype surrounding it is positive and judging by the staging in the Czech national selections, it will make an impact. The only potential problem (and it's a big one) I see is that is riffs off of the vibe of Ukraine's winning entry last year. If Europe decides it's kind of tired of the folksy, dramatic and empowering Eastern European tracks, this may well fall flat on its face. In no way I mean to diminish Ukraine's continued suffering by saying this, but 'Stefania' did face minority opposition after its win by people who claimed it won only because of an alleged sympathy vote (I don't buy this, by the way).</div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: Norway, perhaps. But Vesna's track feels much more intelligent, gripping and well-thought out.</div><div><b>Prediction</b>: Qualifying for the final, and top 10 position there.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 15% if Europe is still in the same mood as it was in 2022.</div><div><br /></div><div><div><i><b>The Netherlands</b></i></div><div><br /></div><div><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UOf-oKDlO6A">Mia Nicolai & Dion Cooper - Burning daylight</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: English</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: Power ballad duet</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>The Netherlands have comfortably nested themselves into the top and sub-top spaces in the past 10 years, and are now experiencing a second ESC Golden Age after the 1970s<i>, </i>often with country and singer-songwriter-like compositions that would likely score in the American Billboard charts. It's an old Belgian joke, but the Netherlands truly are Europe's America.</div><div><b>Best Dutch result so far</b>: Won 5 times (1957, 1959, 1969, 1975 and 2019) and came 2nd once (2014) as well as 3rd once (1974). Duncan Lawrence is the only ESC winner to have held the title for two consecutive years, even on a technicality, but it would be unfair to say that's the only reason he's ascended to the Eurovision pantheon.</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: This entry is the kind of stuff the Netherlands are very competent at, what with the meshing of country rock and ballad. It has a 'draw-you-in' kind of force just like <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2m-MGSys0k">S10</a>'s entry last year, but it might suffer a bit from a very competitive semi as well as ultimately sounding a little 2005-like by way of Kelly Clarkson. 15 years ago, this would have been a surefire top 5 contender in the Grand Final. Now? Not sure.</div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: Latvia, maybe Switzerland.</div><div><b>Prediction</b>: Likely qualifying on the back of the Dutch' recent raised profile with the general audience.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 1%.</div></div></div><div><br /></div></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i><b>Finland</b></i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><div><b>Entry</b>: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJHe-iZ5HSI">Käärijä - Cha cha cha</a></div><div><b>Language</b>: Finnish</div><div><b>Quick description</b>: Happy hardcore turns into Eurovision glam rock meets 'The Human Centipede' halfway</div><div><div><b>What came before? </b>Finland recent ESC record has been spotty at best. While often qualifying for the Grand Final, they usually strand there unceremoniously. Finland has tried out all manner of genres, artists and vibes, but seems to score best with rock and metal, which is unsurprising, since the country has the highest density of metal bands per 1,000 inhabitants. </div><div><b>Best Finnish result so far</b>: Won once (2006) with fondly-remembered monster rockers <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAh9NRGNhUU">Lordi</a>, who arguably ushered in the prelude to ESC's current Golden Age. Finland has come dead last 9 times, only being beaten by Norway (11 times).</div></div><div><b>Opinion</b>: 'Cha cha cha' pursues the manic energy of Russia's <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QrU1hZxSEXQ">Little Big</a> (even the frontman's haircut and moves are somewhat similar) which would have normally represented Russia in 2020 and hearkens back to the deliberately humorous and over-the-top-entries of the early 2000s, but with a better ear for composition and music. Käärijä is not here to make fun of anyone or to troll the audience, but to entertain it. As such, it wouldn't be right to dismiss Finland's entry as just "typical Eurovision" (though it very much is), and it would be more correct to put them in a similar space as Norway's <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJjo8s3fKUM">Subwoolfer</a> entry last year: jokey and quirky on the surface, but well-considered underneath.</div><div><b>Biggest competitor</b>: For extremely casual viewers, maybe Serbia or Croatia. But Serbia serves a different audience, and Croatia's entry pales in comparison to Finland's showmanship and energy and doesn't come with the baggage of being a "message" song.</div><div><b>Prediction</b>: Qualifying for the final, right side of the scoring board in the finals.</div><div><b>Shot at winning</b>: 2% - if the stars align <i>really</i>, really well, the frontrunners turn in a tepid performance and a scandal breaks out.</div><div><br /></div></div><h4 style="text-align: justify;">My qualifying prediction for semi-final 1:</h4><div style="text-align: justify;"><ul><li>Azerbaijan</li><li>Czechia</li><li>Finland</li><li>Malta</li><li>Moldova</li><li>Netherlands</li><li>Norway</li><li>Serbia</li><li>Sweden</li><li>Switzerland</li></ul></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><h3 style="text-align: justify;"><b><i>About my posting hiatus</i></b></h3><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i>Even as early as 2014, I got burnt out on writing satire and parody because locally (Belgium), I felt things had gone beyond the power of satire, as if reality had actually </i>become <i>satire, which German calls 'Realsatire'. Then,</i><i> after 2016 happened and turned out to be a terrible year internationally (e.g. Donald Trump's ascendance to the United States presidency), I got turned off on writing about social justice, politics and culture in English almost permanently. This also coincided with my release of <a href="https://drive.google.com/open?id=14rGexb616nOsRiwfpW_zYudb94vSx4Xc">'De Nieuwe Staat' ('The New State')</a> in which I gave structure to my political thinking about a possible way forward for Western democracies. With this process finished, it didn't give me much of an incentive to continue posting separate ideas or thoughts about these topics here.</i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i><br /></i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i>I did power through to end the <a href="https://alphaplusgood.blogspot.com/2015/02/20-people-i-admire-i-chris-corner.html">'20 people I admire'</a> series. Knowing what I know now, I would scrap the 9th entry (Hadley Freeman) and the 18th entry (Neil DeGrasse Tyson), the former on account of her joining the transphobic movement in the United Kingdom, and the latter because of his tone-deaf "well ackshually"-responses to ongoing debates that have now relegated him to being basically the American Richard Dawkins: a brilliant mind who doesn't know when to shut up. </i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i><br /></i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i>I did focus on pop culture stuff a little in the following years, but less so on social and political stuff, but I wanted to address this because I know <a href="https://alphaplusgood.blogspot.com/2013/07/mra-deconstructed-i.html">my deconstruction of the toxicity of so-called Men's Rights Activism</a> remains a popular topic on this blog, with a faint echo in the series <a href="https://alphaplusgood.blogspot.com/2014/03/men-at-work-i.html">'Men at work'</a>. If it offers some reassurance to readers of those series: my ideas on these topics haven't changed. I still think cishet (white) men are an important group to win over as allies for social justice movements and that is mainly if not fully the responsibility of </i>progressive <i>cishet (white) men. Especially so after I spent 2012-2015 deeply engaged with feminist and social justice movements and noticing that other cishet men within it mostly seemed to be there to validate women and be fellow travelers instead of going out and talking to other men.</i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i><br /></i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i>Despite the manufactured moral panic about 'wokeism', which is an overblown rethread of the same old show reactionaries stage about any kind of progressive idea gaining traction, there also have been personal annoyances with progressive movements on my part. To name a few examples: a part of the far-left so ideologically bound to the idea the United States is imperialist that it contorts itself into defending Russia's genocidal invasion of Ukraine or at least pretending Russia's </i>casus belli<i> is somehow valid; the apparent refusal of some liberal feminists to acknowledge that "yass slay queen"-feminism is just skin-deep; or the age-old problem of centre-left people who still think reactionaries present real and honest concerns and arguments - they don't, they're just pretending. The latter topic especially might be food for an actual political blog later down the line.</i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i><br /></i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i>Anyway. Be well, take care. I love you all.</i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i><br /></i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i><br /></i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div>Anton Voloshinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02975731085496119073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012138227361813864.post-59031011686633658142020-06-09T20:31:00.004+02:002020-08-31T23:47:19.967+02:00Game of Thrones: the Killer Hit List (revisited)<div>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">2.5 years ago, I made a three-part post that
was a ‘hit list’ of kills the various factions in ‘Game of Thrones’ racked up.
While I had fully intended to revisit the piece after season 8, the season
itself eventually turned up well short of expectations (especially after such a
long wait), but I’m not here to wail about what could and perhaps should have
been. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">The only truly unfortunate thing is how quickly
‘Game of Thrones’ seems to have faded from public consciousness and that is has
nothing to blame for it but itself. It doesn’t help that George R.R. Martin
still seems to be languishing in an unending Sisyphean task to wrap up the book
series he started about 25 (!) years ago.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">As an aside, and yes, I can do that because
this my personal soapbox, I think it’s awful that someone as talented and lucky
as Martin has steadily been squandering all the chances he has been given.
There are thousands of writers who would be prepared to murder someone for the
breadth of his fandom, the insanely intricate and high-quality fan artwork he
has inspired, and so on and so forth. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">However, I am nothing if not unrelenting and
I’ll see my own minor project through here. If you’re still wanting more, you
can also go check out my Magic: the Gathering of Ice and Fire mash-up that I
made, which actually attempted to sculpt a coherent, playable set instead of
the usual subpar fare that struggles with basic templating and colour-wheel
accuracy.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span lang="">What counts as a kill and for who?</span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">You could make endless subdivisions of
factions, but I stuck with:</span></p>
</div><ul style="text-align: justify;"><li><span lang="">Westerosi
Great Houses. Kills made by their bannermen and direct allies that aren’t of
another Great House are attributed to their suzerain house. Exceptions to this
rule are the short-lived Great Houses of Frey and Bolton (S3-S7), the newly
minted Great House of Blackwater (S8) and Westerosi groups that hold no
allegiance to a particular Great House, such as the Brotherhood Without
Banners, the Night’s Watch or the Free Folk.</span></li><li><span lang="">Houses
that switch allegiances have their kills assigned to their new suzerain House
as soon as they turn their cloak (e.g. House Umber, Tarly and Karstark). House
Mormont is a vassal house of House Stark, but Jorah’s kills go to House
Targaryen (he was exiled by the Starks anyway) and Jeor’s kills go to the
Night’s Watch (because the Night’s Watch overrides any pre-existing legacy).</span></li><li><span lang="">Even
though they split, House Baretheon’s kills from and for all of their pretenders
are counted together (S1-S5), though Joffrey’s count for the Lannisters because
who are we kidding here. The same is true for House Greyjoy, which split
between the red and black faction in S6.</span></li><li><span lang="">I
counted the Slavers’ Bay forces opposing Daenaerys as one faction, whether they
are Astapori, Meereenese, Yunkish or Sons of the Harpy. Kills made by the
Dothraki stop counting for them when the join Dany’s coalition in S6. ‘Natural
causes’ such as old age and natural disasters are also lobbed together. </span></li><li><span lang="">Other
Essosi city-states are their own faction if they feature enough characters in
the series that have speaking lines that don’t serve someone else instead. The
Red Priests’ kills are attributed to the ruler they’re serving at the time
other than R’hllor.</span></li><li><span lang="">Destroying
a wight or a White Walker counts as a kill, even if they’re both technically
already dead, but not counting their own demises while counting the kills they
make would be kind of weird, unless we also begin taking stock of who <i>resurrected</i>
the most characters. That would be a very short list: the White Walkers would
top it, with representatives of the Fire God at a very distant second, and then
no one else.</span></li></ul><div>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">Offscreen deaths are only counted if they're
mentioned in the show. When taking into account big battles or massacres, I've
deferred to either the show's wiki pages at the Game of Thrones Wikia, or when
this information was hard to come by, I looked at the source novels by George
R.R. Martin himself. If neither was possible, I made a guesstimate. Terribly
scientific, I know.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang=""> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span>
</span><span lang=""></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span lang="">#32. The Golden Company (N)</span></b></p>
<ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span lang="">Kills? 0</span></li><li><span lang="">Who? A mercenary army from Essos</span></li><li><span lang="">Motto: “Our word is good as gold”</span></li><li><span lang="">What should be their motto: “We had one job.”</span></li><li><span lang="">Fate after S8: Obliterated</span></li></ul>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">The Golden Company was touted as a superior
fighting force, shipped in from Essos by Euron Greyjoy’s fleet and paid for by
Cersei after plundering the Reach, paying back her debts to the Iron Bank in
one fell swoop. It felt like a masterstroke at the time, but seeing as the
Golden Company ignominiously went down without putting so much as a dent into
the combined Targaryen-Stark-Arryn forces, their fall was both anticlimactic
and one of the genuinely lugubriously funny moments of S8.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span>
</span><span lang=""></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span lang="">#32. House of the Three-Eyed Raven (N)</span></b></p>
<ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span lang="">Kills? 0<br /></span></li><li><span lang="">Who? Formerly Brandon Stark, now the
wheelchair-bound robot king of Westeros</span></li><li><span lang="">Motto: unknown</span></li><li><span lang="">What should be their motto: “Bleep bloop”</span></li><li><span lang="">Fate after S8: Ruling the Six Kingdoms</span></li></ul>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang=""></span><span lang="">Installing Bran as a compromise king, elected
by peers rather than being decided through descent, doesn’t seem that dumb of a
move seeing as he’s impartial and smart and has no sordid history with any
other major player. However, succession is sure to look pretty messy. Will Bran
appoint or search for a new Three-Eyed Raven himself, as he was chosen by his
predecessor? Will the Great Houses convene again and elect their king? The
latter seems like a recipe for disaster, and while his Small Council is now
full of friends and allies who have known each other for a long time, no one
knows what it will look like in the future. If Bran will live as long as his
predecessor, at some point his Council will be filled with new people who don’t
share a sense of camaraderie and joint sacrifices. Still, being responsible for
0 deaths (at least on-screen) is kind of an accomplishment on its own! For now. </span><span lang="">
</span><span lang=""></span><b><span lang=""><br /></span></b></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span lang="">#32. House Blackwater (as Paramount House of
the Reach) (N)</span></b>
</p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span lang=""></span><span lang="">Kills? 0</span>
</li><li><span lang="">Who? Bronn, everyone’s favourite mercenary, now
in charge of the Reach</span></li><li><span lang="">Motto: unknown</span></li><li><span lang="">What should be their motto: “There’s no cure
for being a cunt.”</span></li><li><span lang="">Fate after S8: Ruling the Reach</span></li></ul>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">Bronn is perhaps the biggest ‘winner’ to come
out of the War of the Five Kings and the War of the Two Queens. There’s no
deaths we know he’s responsible for after the demise of Daenaerys, but it seems
unlikely Bronn’s rule over the Reach will be without its, ah, thorns, so to
speak. Still, well done, buddy. But invest in some god-damned shampoo, you can
afford it now.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span lang="">#32. The Iron Bank and Braavos (-5)</span></b></p>
<ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span lang="">Kills? 0</span></li><li><span lang="">Who? The Switzerland of Essos</span></li><li><span lang="">Motto: “The Iron Bank will have its due.”</span></li><li><span lang="">What should be their motto: current one’s fine</span></li><li><span lang="">Fate after S8: Presumably still banking</span></li></ul>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang=""></span><span lang="">The Iron Bank is a dreaded institution for its
ability to back hostile armies or contract killers like the Faceless Men if
people are likely not to pay their debts. Still, they do not kill any people in
the series. I doubt they’re happy with Bran the Broken as king. Sure, he seems
to have brought stability, but since he knows everything, outwitting him or
forcing his hand in ponying up debts looks pointless. <br /></span></p><span></span><span lang=""></span><b><span lang="">#28. The Lhazareen (-2)</span></b>
<ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span lang="">Kills? 1</span><span lang=""><br /></span></li><li><span lang="">Who? A pastoral people from South-East Essos</span></li><li><span lang="">Motto: unknown</span><span lang=""><br /></span></li><li><span lang="">What should be their motto: a progressively
higher wail as they go up in flames</span></li><li><span lang="">Fate after S8: Unknown, but likely not a
pleasant one</span></li></ul>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">Derisively called the 'Lamb Men' by the
Dothraki, they live up to their soft reputation by boasting the lowest kill
count higher than zero. Yet, their one kill is a big one: the witch Mirri Maz
Duur is saved from being raped and killed by the Dothraki by Daenaerys, and
repays the favour by turning a sick Khal Drogo into a bed-ridden, comatose
shell of his former self. Even if Dany herself ends up mercy killing Drogo,
it's clear who got the ball rolling.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span lang="">#27. Free animals (-)</span></b></p>
<ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span lang="">Kills? 3</span></li><li><span lang="">Who: Just animals. Not direwolves or dragons.</span></li><li><span lang="">Fate after S8: Being animals</span></li></ul>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">I made a miscalculation in my previous rundown
on this list. Yes, a stag kills Robert Baratheon and another stag kills a
direwolf, but I forgot the stag that killed the direwolf also didn’t survive
the encounter. Symbolism, y’all. Also any faction that ranks after animals,
except those that are very new or explicitly pacifist, are losers. Just saying.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span>
</span><span lang=""></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span lang="">#26. The Faceless Men (-)</span></b></p>
<ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span lang="">Kills? 10</span></li><li><span lang="">Who? An order of religious assassins operating
from the city of Braavos in Essos</span></li><li><span lang="">Motto: “Valar morghulis. Valar dohaeris.”</span></li><li><span lang="">What should be their motto: “Not today.”</span></li><li><span lang="">Fate after S8: Still out there at Braavos</span></li></ul>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">Despite being a heavily talked-up faction and
possessing a supernatural prowess at killing and remaining unseen, the show's
tally of kills from the Faceless Men remains rather low. But that's what they'd
want you to believe, no? Their finest moment is when Jaqen H'gar helps Arya
Stark escape Harrenhall and conveniently, sneakily kills a few Lannister
soldiers. Arya’s kills don’t count for the Faceless Men – she was never truly
loyal to the House of Black and White.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span lang="">#25. Commoners (-)</span></b></p>
<ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span lang="">Kills? 15</span></li><li><span lang="">Who? The proletariat</span></li><li><span lang="">Motto: none</span></li><li><span lang="">What should be their motto: *sound of manure
hitting Joffrey’s face*</span></li><li><span lang="">Fate after S8: Not being burnt to a crisp
anymore by dragonfire or returned from the dead to fight for the Night King.
Progress!</span></li></ul>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">Though they mostly remain an anonymous mass of
dirt-caked faces, the commoners have shed their fair amount of blood, ranging
from the Riot of King's Landing when the unsufferable Joffrey gets hit with
shit to the alleyway kills the former slaves make on their masters when
liberation from Dany's forces is imminent in Meereen.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span>
</span><span lang=""></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span lang="">#24. House Martell (-)</span></b></p>
<ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span lang="">Kills? 16</span></li><li><span lang="">Who? The Great House of Dorne, the southernmost
of Westeros' Six Kingdoms</span></li><li><span lang="">Motto: “Unbowed, unbent, unbroken.”</span></li><li><span lang="">What should be their motto: “I am Inigo
Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”</span></li><li><span lang="">Fate after S8: They have a new Prince! We never
learnt his name! He doesn’t matter!</span></li></ul>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">House Martell appears to be all talk and no
action. Even worse, part of their paltry kill score is killing their own, with
the Sand Snakes and Ellaria's power grab. They also managed to kill a teenage
princess and a captain buried to his neck in the sand. Seven hells, even
supreme cool guy Oberyn couldn't fully kill the Mountain and got his head
bashed in instead.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span>
</span><span lang=""></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span lang="">#23. The Qartheen (-2)</span></b></p>
<ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span lang="">Kills? 21</span></li><li><span lang="">Who? The city of Qarth is a rich trade city in
the south of Essos</span></li><li><span lang="">Motto: unknown</span></li><li><span lang="">What should be their motto: “Come for the
orientalist motifs, stay for the unresolved plot points.”</span></li><li><span lang="">Fate after S8: Unknown</span></li></ul>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">Like House Martell, the majority of victims
attributed to the Qartheen are their own. Xaro Xhoan Daxos and the Undying
conspire to kill the city's Council of the Thirteen and murder a few more
random people in a bid to gain control of Dany's dragons and become the city's
top dogs. It doesn't work out well for them.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span>
</span><span lang=""></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span lang="">#22. The Dothraki (-3)</span></b></p>
<ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span lang="">Kills? 54</span></li><li><span lang="">Who? Nomadic warriors from Essos</span></li><li><span lang="">Motto: *glowers in Dothraki*</span></li><li><span lang="">What should b- fuck off they’re too cool for
that</span></li><li><span lang="">Fate after S8: Unknown. Have they settled in
Westeros now? What remains of them in Essos? </span></li></ul>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">Before joining Dany in her quest to “tear down
the stone houses and kill the men in their iron suits”, the Dothraki were
already a force to be reckoned with. Then again, killing Lhazareen or fighting
each other to the death isn't really that impressive. 54 is a bit of a paltry
number, but that’s only because the Dothraki’s kills counted for House
Targaryen’s after they joined Dany’s forces.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span>
</span><span lang=""></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span lang="">#21. Sandor Clegane (-2)</span></b></p>
<ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span lang="">Kills? 80</span></li><li><span lang="">Who? The Hound, the myth, the legend</span></li><li><span lang="">Motto: none</span></li><li><span lang="">What should be his motto: “Those are your last
words: ‘fuck you’?”</span></li><li><span lang="">Fate after S8: Rest in peace, Sandor. At least
you managed to take your horrible brother down with you.</span></li></ul>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">After he says "fuck the king" and
before he travels with the Brotherhood Without Banners, the Hound racks up an
impressive kill count all on his own. He has literally carved out a place
of (questionable) honour for himself in the list of killers by being able to
outdo 12 other groups as a single man.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span>
</span><span lang=""></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span lang="">#20. The Children of the Forest and the (Old)
Three-Eyed Raven (-2)</span></b></p>
<ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span lang="">Kills? 131</span></li><li><span lang="">Who? Ancient inhabitants of Westeros and a guy
who melds with a tree</span></li><li><span lang="">Motto: unknown</span></li><li><span lang="">What should be their motto: “Mistakes were made.”</span></li><li><span lang="">Fate after S8: Still dead</span></li></ul>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">Arguably, the Children are to blame for most of
the horrible things the living have to go through by creating an undead menace
they couldn’t control. They also lured a crippled boy to a decrepit old man’s
creepy sex cave. They did go out with a blast, though. Emo tree status: still not
amused.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span>
</span><span lang=""></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span lang="">#19. The Sparrows and the Faith Militant (+7)</span></b></p>
<ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span lang="">Kills? 302</span></li><li><span lang="">Who? An order of religious fanatics and, well,
simple animals, respectively</span></li><li><span lang="">Motto: “Stars and swords”</span></li><li><span lang="">What should be their motto: “Shame!”</span></li><li><span lang="">Fate after S8: Whoever survived the explosion
at Baelor’s Sept and Dany’s destruction of King’s Landing is likely keeping a
very, very low profile</span></li></ul>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">For all their religious fervour, the Sparrows
boast very few actual kills. Although we can assume they did murder their fair
share of people they deemed corrupt or not having sex the way their holy writ
prescribed it, the show only has two people killed by them. I decided not to be
so strict this time: there is absolutely *no* way these bastards didn’t kill
more people, so I’m tossing them a few hundred extra.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span><span>
</span></span><span lang=""></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span lang="">#18. The Brotherhood Without Banners (-)</span></b></p>
<ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span lang="">Kills? 344</span></li><li><span lang="">Who? Worshipers of the Red God who claim to
fight for the commoners</span></li><li><span lang="">Motto: unknown</span></li><li><span lang="">What should be their motto: none works fine</span></li><li><span lang="">Fate after S8: Presumably gone</span></li></ul>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">Though Beric Dondarrion may or may not be dead,
the Brotherhood was a thorn in the side of the Lannister forces occupying the
Riverlands, and some of their men broke bad when they slaughtered a group of
innocent people founding a new village. Lem Lemoncloak will not be missed, but
he did rack up the Brotherhood's kill count, even if most of the casualties
were defenceless people. At least his cloak kept the Hound warm.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span>
</span><span lang=""></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span lang="">#17. Mountain Clans of the Vale (-1)</span></b></p>
<ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span lang="">Kills? 402</span></li><li><span lang="">Who? Semi-barbaric inhabitants of the Mountains
of the Vale in Westeros</span></li><li><span lang="">Motto: unknown</span></li><li><span lang="">What should be their motto: *laughs raucously
in Vale*</span></li><li><span lang="">Fate after S8: Presumably same as it ever was –
raid a few people, living a raw life</span></li></ul>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">After his release from the Eyrie, Tyrion and
Bronn pick up the Mountain Clan warriors along the way and have them fight with
the Lannister forces. Their kills happen mostly off-screen, but we can infer
they were a vital part of the Lannister army. Presumably they’ve returned to
the Vale and still regale each other with stories about fighting for the
‘Half-Man’ and cutting off a terrified Pycelle’s beard.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang=""></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span lang="">#16. Disease, old age and natural disaster (-1)</span></b></p>
<ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span lang="">Kills? 1,011</span></li><li><span lang="">Motto: -</span></li><li><span lang="">What should be their motto: -</span></li><li><span lang="">Who? Ye olde death that comes for everyone in
the end</span></li><li><span lang="">Fate after S8: It’s the human condition, stupid</span></li></ul>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">Perhaps it is surprising that even in the
ultra-violent world created by George R.R. Martin and the ‘Game of Thrones’
show, natural deaths, disasters and diseases still claim the 16<sup>th</sup>
spot on the list, defeating regular armies, clans and trained killers. Yet,
it’s true. To be fair, the largest part of them include the wights who were
stupid enough to drown to their final fate when they tried to cross the ice to
get at Jon Snow and his Magnificent Seven, though they also include important
characters like Hoster Tully and maester Aemon Targaryen.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span lang="">#15. The Sons of the Harpy and the Ghiscari
Alliance (-3)</span></b></p>
<ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span lang="">Kills? 1,199</span></li><li><span lang="">Who? Slave masters and former slave masters
from the Essosi cities of Meereen, Yunkai and Astapor</span></li><li><span lang="">Motto: none</span></li><li><span lang="">What should be their motto: “Nooo you can’t just free all the slaves it
will destroy the economerino” - “Haha slave chains go cloink”</span></li><li><span lang="">Fate after S8: Unknown. Perhaps they might rise
again if they know Daenaerys is dead. </span></li></ul>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">It’s not easy to pinpoint a truly exact number when
it comes down to this loose coalition of slaver city-states and former masters.
What’s certain is that their threat proved to be more resilient and enduring
than Dany and her followers had expected, frustrating viewers and characters
alike. It remains to be seen whether her show of power with the dragons and
leaving Daario in place as her steward put a definitive end to the slave
masters’ misgivings (and killings).</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span>
</span><span lang=""></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span lang="">#14. House Tyrell (-3)</span></b></p>
<ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span lang="">Kills? 1,251</span></li><li><span lang="">Who? The Great House of the Reach in Westeros</span></li><li><span lang="">Motto: “Growing strong”</span></li><li><span lang="">What should be their motto: “I want them to
know it was me.”</span></li><li><span lang="">Fate after S8: The House is extinct and is
replaced by House Blackwater.</span></li></ul>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">House Tyrell was never one for wanton
destruction or great warfare. They waited almost two full seasons to actually
join the War of the Five Kings when they joined the Lannister host to decide
the Battle of Blackwater. After that, they were often seen doing anything but
fighting, and when their best soldier, Randyll Tarly, turned cloak for the
Lannisters, their chances to inch up higher in this list were almost as dead as
their entire House.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span>
</span><span lang=""></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span lang="">#13. The Night's Watch (+2)</span></b></p>
<ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span lang="">Kills? 2,095</span></li><li><span lang="">Who? The guardians of the Wall up North in
Westeros</span></li><li><span lang="">Motto: “I am the shield that guards the realms.”</span></li><li><span lang="">What should be their motto: “Second-guessed by
every little twat.”</span></li><li><span lang="">Fate after S8: Unknown. Is there any Night’s
Watch necessary at all anymore now that the Wall is down and the relations with
the Free Folk are presumably alright? </span></li></ul>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">Clocking in a solid number of almost 2,100, the
Night’s Watch kills include a menagerie of Free Folk, giants and their
occasional fellow crows. It's not known whether they still exist at all now since the Wall has been breached at at least two points, the White Walkers are dead and the Free Folk are presumably pacified.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span lang="">#12. House Frey (as House Paramount of the
Riverlands) (-)</span></b></p>
<ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span lang="">Kills? 2,200</span></li><li><span lang="">Who? The short-lived Great House that usurped
control over the Riverlands after they participated in the Red Wedding to
unseat House Tully</span></li><li><span lang="">Motto: “We stand together.”</span></li><li><span lang="">What should be their motto: “Oh yes, I said
some words.”</span></li><li><span lang="">Fate after S8: Still dead. Unknown who took the
Twins.</span></li></ul>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">While no great soldiers themselves, the
cowardly slaughter that was the Red Wedding did help the Freys break into the
top 10. Possibly one of the most hated and despised Houses in Westeros, their
time as House Paramount of the Riverlands was short-lived. Without the support
of the Lannisters and the Boltons, they were a bunch of cloying amateurs who
managed to get themselves killed by one person.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span>
</span><span lang=""></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span lang="">#11. Free Folk / Wildlings (+1)</span></b></p>
<ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span lang="">Kills? 2,201</span></li><li><span lang="">Who? Human tribes who live beyond the Wall</span></li><li><span lang="">Motto: none</span></li><li><span lang="">What should be their motto: “We do not kneel.”</span></li><li><span lang="">Fate after S8: Livin’ it up beyond the ruins of
the Wall, presumably led by Aegon VII the Unwilling and Tormund</span></li></ul>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">The Free Folk would have killed more people if
the Night’s Watch wouldn’t have been so direly understaffed and if Stannis
Baratheon hadn’t shown up to relieve the siege of Castle Black, cutting through
the Free Folk like butter, with his horses, armor and longswords. Still,
killing 2,200 people is nothing to sneeze at. One wonders if the Free Folk at
the Wall and those presumably settled in the North still count as Free Folk, or
as bound to House Stark – and if they will matter at all. Most of their
fighting men are already dead or are zombies. Yes, they have technically one kill more than the Freys, but I think that's a number both symbolical and also on the low side.<br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span>
</span><span lang=""></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span lang="">#09. House Bolton (as House Paramount of the
North) (-2)</span></b></p>
<ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span lang="">Kills? 4,549</span></li><li><span lang="">Who? The short-lived Great House that usurped
control over the North after they participated in the Red Wedding to unseat
House Stark.</span></li><li><span lang="">Motto: “Our blades are sharp.”</span></li><li><span lang="">What should be their motto: “A naked man has
few secrets. A flayed man has none.”</span></li><li><span lang="">Fate after S8: Extinct. Unknown who has taken
the Dreadfort. </span></li></ul>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">The Boltons got in their share of kills for the
Starks in the early phases of the War of the Five Kings, and then turned on
their Great House at the Red Wedding. The Boltons further drove out the
ironborn from the North in cruelest ways imaginable, and then delivered
Stannis’ final defeat at Winterfell. Their fortunes turned after Sansa escaped
and Ramsay thought his gleeful sadism was going to let him keep the North
forever.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span>
</span><span lang=""></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span lang="">#08. House Greyjoy (-)</span></b></p>
<ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span lang="">Kills? 5,722</span></li><li><span lang="">Who? The House Paramount of the Iron Islands, surprisingly
one of the Six Kingdoms</span></li><li><span lang="">Motto: “We do not sow.”</span></li><li><span lang="">What should be their motto: “What is dead may
never die.”</span></li><li><span lang="">Fate after S8: Still one of the now-Six
Kingdoms, led by Yara Greyjoy</span></li></ul>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">Most of the ironborn’s battles are fought
off-screen or only seen in fragments, but they seem mostly adept at killing
their own, with Euron’s ‘Red’ Greyjoys delivering a crushing defeat to the
‘Black’ Greyjoys Theon and Yara in the early stages of the War of the Two
Queens. Euron was a discount Ramsay Bolton but at least he managed to keep them in the top 10.<br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span>
</span><span lang=""></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span lang="">#07. House Arryn (+2)</span><span lang=""> </span></b></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span lang="">Kills? 10,203</span></li><li><span lang="">Who? The House Paramount of the Vale in
Westeros, one of the Six Kingdoms</span></li><li><span lang="">Motto: “As high as honor.”</span></li><li><span lang="">What should be their motto: “I think not.”</span></li><li><span lang="">Fate after S8: Still one of the now-Six
Kingdoms, led by Robert Arryn</span></li></ul>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang=""></span><span lang="">These falcons earned their wings in a large
part thanks to their timely intervention at the Battle of the Bastards, mowing
down the exhausted ranks of the Bolton armies, which looked like they were
going to win against a severely outnumbered rag-tag coalition of Northmen and
Wildlings. They also fought at the Starks’ side in subsequent battles, and at
the Dragonpit Council, even sickly little Robert looked at least something like
a normal person now!</span>
</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span lang="">#06. House Tully (-1)</span></b></p>
<ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span lang="">Kills? 12,020</span></li><li><span lang="">Who? The House Paramount of the Riverlands, one
of the Six Kingdoms</span></li><li><span lang="">Motto: “Family. Duty. Honor.”</span></li><li><span lang="">What should be their motto: “Something smells
fishy.”</span></li><li><span lang="">Fate after S8: Still one of the now-Six
Kingdoms, led by Edmure Tully</span></li></ul>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">Likely the biggest surprise on the list, and largely
due to Edmure – yes, Edmure – who took a chance at personal glory in the
off-screen Battle of the Stone Mill, where he defeated a huge Lannister host
but took so many casualties that it was, in fact, a Pyrrhic victory. Permanently
reduced to the status of laughing stock thanks to Edmure, who apparently sat
around and did jack shit during the Last War.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span>
</span><span lang=""></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span lang="">#05. House Baratheon (-1)</span></b></p>
<ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span lang="">Kills: 13,159</span></li><li><span lang="">Who? The House Paramount of the Stormlands, one
of the Six Kingdoms</span></li><li><span lang="">Motto: “Ours is the fury.”</span></li><li><span lang="">What should be their motto: “It’s hammertime.”</span></li><li><span lang="">Fate after S8: Still one of the now-Six
Kingdoms, led by Gendry Baratheon</span></li></ul>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">Most of House Baratheon’s kills come from the
branch of Stannis, whose troops killed their fair share of men in three major
battles – the Blackwater, the Siege of Castle Black and the First Battle of
Winterfell. Robert and Renly are no match for Stannis’ bloody deeds. And
they’re still around now, too, thanks to Gendry, who bravely upheld the family
tradition of destroying things with big hammers. Robert toasts to his bastard
son from the grave.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span>
</span><span lang=""></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span lang="">#04. House Lannister (-2)</span></b></p>
<ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span lang="">Kills: 18,170</span></li><li><span lang="">Who? The House Paramount of the Westerlands, one
of the Six Kingdoms</span></li><li><span lang="">Motto: “Hear me roar.”</span></li><li><span lang="">What should be their motto: “Family is all that
matters.”</span></li><li><span lang="">Fate after S8: Still one of the now-Six
Kingdoms, led by Tyrion Lannister</span></li></ul>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">Embroiled in the War of the Five Kings from the
very beginning and one of the few Great Houses left standing in its aftermath,
the Lannisters have proven to be a resilient and cunning force more than adept
at bloodshed. That the Lannisters still exist at all is a testament to the
family’s sense of shrewdness, although S8 did them a dirty by progressively
having the otherwise smart Tyrion make baffling choices and destroying Jaime’s
redemption arc.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span>
</span><span lang=""></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span lang="">#03. House Stark (+4)</span></b></p>
<ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span lang="">Kills? 78,219</span></li><li><span lang="">Who? The House Paramount of the North in
Westeros, briefly deposed by the Boltons, later re-emerged as the independent
Kingdom of the North</span></li><li><span lang="">Motto: “Winter is coming.”</span></li><li><span lang="">What should be their motto: “I'm a slow learner.”</span></li><li><span lang="">Fate after S8: Independent kingdom led by Sansa
I Stark.</span></li></ul>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">The Stark’s kills are attributed to a great
number of loyal Houses connected to them as well as individual battles (under
the command of Robb or Jon) or fights they got embroiled into (Arya, Ned). The
Starks are not the biggest killing machines in Westeros, but they are by far
the most consistent, getting in a few kills almost every episode. The Hound was
right when he predicted to a frightened Sansa her brothers would all become
killers. He just failed to account for the fact that so would she and her
sister.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span lang="">#02. The White Walkers and the Wights (-1)</span></b></p>
<ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span lang="">Kills: 136,928</span></li><li><span lang="">Who? An army of ice zombies commanded by
supernatural frost-like humanoids</span></li><li><span lang="">Motto: none</span></li><li><span lang="">What should be their motto: none</span></li><li><span lang="">Fate after S8: Wiped out completely</span></li></ul>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">It was never their trophy to win, but they
tried very, very hard. In fact, they would have won it all had it not been for
those pesky kids (*shakes Night Fist*), though they had already been generously
helped by a number of massive strategic blunders from the Coalition of the
Living that looked awesome on-screen but fell apart as soon as you thought
about them in a coherent fashion. I don’t think there has ever been a televised
battle that looked as insanely cool and had such production values while at the
same time laughably dumb from a military point of view.</span><span lang=""> </span><span lang=""> </span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span lang="">#01. House Targaryen (+2)</span><span lang=""> </span></b></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span lang="">Kills: 266,172</span></li><li><span lang="">Who? The ousted royal house of Westeros. 'Won' the War of the Two Queens. Got stabbed.<br /></span></li><li><span lang="">Motto: “Fire and blood.”</span></li><li><span lang="">What should be their motto: it’s… oddly fine as
it is</span></li><li><span lang="">Fate after S8: Extinct</span></li></ul>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="">Jumping from third place to first in just one
season is all the more impressive when you consider that the White Walkers
started out incredibly far ahead. My estimates are even a bit on the
conservative side, given that Dany almost completely destroys King’s
Landing, which by GoT’s counts is a city of about a million inhabitants. S8 was
right to portray Dany as the eventual villain, but they unfortunately did it in
such a ham-fisted, stilted way that her turn to madness never felt earned and
plainly contradicted the way the show portrayed her as a bad-ass feminine hero.
It also never helped that despite her best efforts, Emilia Clarke is not the
kind of actress to sell this sort of role, even if she had a lot of its tics
and nuances down to a t. Blame the directors, if anything.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang=""> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang=""> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang=""> </span></p>
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Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Mention"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Smart Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hashtag"/>
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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></div>Anton Voloshinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02975731085496119073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012138227361813864.post-5289836589808710202019-01-10T01:32:00.000+01:002019-01-10T01:35:10.423+01:009 widespread myths about language<div style="text-align: justify;">
I am all about words. I’m a content marketeer by trade and I’m a writer in my downtime. I also hold an M.A. in literature and linguistics. Over the years, I’ve noticed lots of people hold bizarre or weird beliefs about language, and this series attempts to tackle these misconceptions.<br />
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<b>1. Knowing more than one language is exceptional</b><br />
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People from English-speaking countries can often get by their entire lives without speaking anything other than English, even when traveling abroad. With a whopping one billion speakers and a position as the primary language of aviation, IT and entertainment, being born into an English-speaking family is like starting life’s game on ‘super easy’ mode.<br />
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But in most other parts of the world, multilingualism is the norm. Over half of Europeans speak more than one language, and numbers are even higher for nations and communities in densely-populated West Africa or South-East Asia. Monolingualism is a rather recent phenomenon. People in the Greek, Roman, Arab, Mongol or Chinese Empires were very likely to know one or two additional languages beyond their mother tongue.<br />
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Another reason for the rise (but not dominance) of monolingualism is language death. There used to be many more languages in the world than there are today. Languages can get erased by violent displacement and depopulation (e.g. many native American languages), the greater prestige and cultural influence of another language (e.g. how English wiped out Cornish and Manx), or by being subsumed into a new ‘roof’ language (e.g. how French is absorbing Occitan).<br />
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<b>2. Perfecting a second language is a matter of skill and application</b><br />
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While skill and application certainly help you get competent and fluent in another language, perfection is almost certainly out of reach if you start learning a new language before you turn 7. That’s because language is not just a collection of grammar, vocabulary and pronunciation rules. For instance, each language has its own preferred rhythm and flow, and this can even be different within dialects or regiolects of a language. Like, did you ever notice Australian English sentences always seem to sound like a question? <br />
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Even if it is possible to attain fluency in another language as an adolescent or an adult (e.g. as happened for me in English and German), there will always be the small uncontrollable bits that ‘betray’ you to a native speaker. It’s a common trope for spy or diplomat characters in fiction to perfectly speak a second (or third) language, but this is incredibly, incredibly rare. Even if they have the inborn talent to perfect another language, it is unlikely spies and diplomats have the time and resources to devote to this.<br />
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An exception is writing. Joseph Conrad, who wrote ‘Heart of Darkness’, was born a Pole in what is today Ukraine, but became an English writer. Apparently he never lost his very noticeable Polish accent in English, even if his writing was impeccable.<br />
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<b>3. Language shapes your worldview</b><br />
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If it is true that your mother language determines how you look at the world, then why do Americans and Brits not share the same culture? Why do the Dutch and Dutch-speaking Belgians differ so much in their cultural outlook and folk psyche, despite living right next to one another? That is because while language is indeed a window through which you look at the outside world, a much stronger determining force is culture. And it is culture that shapes language. <br />
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That’s why we can speak of a ‘Swiss’ culture despite the country having four official languages, or why people from Seattle and rural Oklahoma are generally different animals despite sharing the same language. In addition, it’s not because English has lost the distinction between informal and formal 2nd person pronouns that English culture has grown less polite (ironically, “thou” was actually the informal form while “you” was formal, but because of the historical distance “thou” now seen as quaint and super-formal).<br />
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Russian has separate words for “dark blue” and “light blue”, but that doesn’t mean non-Russians can’t make the visual distinction between both variants. They just never give it much thought. Similarly, Russian has no separate words for “arm” and “hand”, but that doesn’t mean Russians think fingernails grow on elbows.<br />
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<b>4. Animals have languages, too</b><br />
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With cetaceans as possible exceptions, animals don’t have languages. They can communicate and do so with vigour, but they don’t actually have languages. A language would mean they have a set of arbitrary but consistent signals they can recombine to express any type of meaning. Bees dance to communicate where the next interesting field of flowers is, but they can’t use this dance to discuss mortality or ascribe meaning to the wind.<br />
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Similarly, great apes can be taught to communicate with humans to signal their emotions, solve basic logic puzzles or convey needs, but they can’t say things like “I might like a bunch of tasty insects like the ones I found two weeks ago, only a bit bigger and perhaps with shorter pincers”. This kind of modality and abstraction is lost on animals.<br />
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The big question is whether there is a correlation between sapience and language. Sapience here is separate from consciousness. It’s pretty clear many animals have a form of sentience, especially mammals and birds. But is sapience a prerequisite for language, or does language create sapience along the way? Unfortunately, we might never know. Our Neanderthal cousins were sapient, what with their burial rituals and art, but we don’t know for sure whether and what they actually spoke.<br />
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<b>5. Human language can be visualized as a family tree</b><br />
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Most encyclopedias will picture language families as trees, with branches springing from common ancestral languages that were once a branch of their own, and so on. A good example is how Latin is the ancestor of the world’s modern Romance languages, such as French, Spanish, Italian, Portuguese, Romanian and a few others. But that’s a gross simplification.<br />
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To understand why this tree model is so dumb, let’s take a look at Low German. Low German is a collection of dialects spoken in the plains of modern-day North Germany and some places in the East Netherlands. In Germany, it is slotted under the ‘roof speech’ of High German and in the Netherlands, it is catalogued under the ‘roof’ of Dutch. A reverse example is Serbo-Croatian, which is essentially one language, but has been split into Serbian and Croatian for political reasons.<br />
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In addition, languages constantly exchange words, expressions and even grammar. They influence each other as they grow. For instance, lots of distantly related or unrelated languages in the Balkan area share grammatical similarities. Pidgin and creole languages make the picture even murkier. Is Haitian a daughter language of French, or the fusion of French with local (and utterly unrelated) Caribbean languages?<br />
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<b>6. Intelligibility is a two-way street</b><br />
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Having taken Latin for six years and French for eight years at school, with an additional four-year stint working in a predominantly French-speaking environment, I can more or less understand simple pieces of text in modern Italian, Spanish and Portuguese, but not in Romanian, despite all four languages sharing Latin as an ancestors. Throw spoken language into the mix, and Portuguese falls off the list, too. Italian, when spoken slowly enough and with enough context for me to get by on, is in fact so maddeningly close to understandable that my brain sort of freezes over at the utter inability to speak it myself.<br />
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Conversely, in the Scandinavian language department, there’s the old linguist joke that all Scandinavians essentially speak Norwegian, but the Danes can’t pronounce it and the Swedes can’t spell it. The reason for this is that Danish had a huge impact on Norwegian writing and spelling conventions and that while spoken Swedish is closer to Norwegian than Danish, the Swedes developed their own spelling and writing conventions.<br />
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Third, mutual intelligibility can be just as asymmetrical as one-directional understanding. Speakers of Ukrainian and Belorussian have an easier time understanding Russian than vice versa. A major reason for this is that Ukrainians and Belarussians are exposed to Russian way more than the other way around. But the reason can be historical, too. Dutch-speakers can understand German better than German-speakers can understand Dutch. That’s because in many ways, German is a more conservative language and uses words, structures and idioms that Dutch-speakers don’t use much any more but do recognize, while the innovations of Dutch fly over a German speaker’s head.<br />
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<b>7. Some mother languages put you at a disadvantage when trying to acquire a foreign language</b><br />
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This argument is sometimes used to explain why French-speaking Belgians tend to perform so poorly at foreign languages compared to their Dutch-speaking compatriots. Globally speaking, French has an unusual accent: it places stress on the last syllable of most words. In addition, its ‘phonetic inventory’ (the number of human speech sounds it recognizes as distinct) consists of 38 sounds vis à vis Dutch’s 47. But this is nonsense. English has a comparable phonetic inventory size to Dutch, yet English-speakers tend to perform as abysmally at foreign languages as their French-speaking peers. Also, Swedish is renowned for its ‘musical accent’, which is unusual within Europe, yet they seem to master English and other languages just fine.<br />
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Another – predictably wrong – explanation is grammar. English-speakers are befuddled by German’s use of a case system (where pronouns and nouns change endings depending on grammatical function). But to a Russian person, German’s case system is refreshingly simple. It doesn’t even depend on how closely languages are related. Chinese is an ‘analytical’ language, meaning word order is much more important than inflection or conjugation, so English (also a mostly analytical language) is easier for Chinese speakers to learn than, say, Hungarian (a highly inflected language), despite the linguistic and historical distance to both English and Hungarian being almost the same.<br />
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A final stumbling block is the way in which you progress through a language. Even for native speakers of inflected languages, analytical languages are easier at first blush: with a basic vocabulary of 200 words in Japanese or English, you can go a long way. But to master these languages’ subtleties in modality and word order is an extremely difficult task. The reverse is true for inflected languages, which are more forgiving for loose word orders and more strict on case endings and conjugations.<br />
<b><br />8. We should all learn Chinese</b><br />
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Chinese is spoken by roughly one out of every seven human beings. Makes sense to learn it, right? Not if you consider Chinese is confined mostly to China and South-East Asia. Languages like Arabic, French, Russian or Spanish are, in fact, more useful because they are more widely understood across a broader geographic area. <br />
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Acquiring a language based on its number of speakers alone is myopic at best. In the Middle Ages and the Renaissance, many European intellectuals conversed or exchanged letters in Latin, despite Latin being a dead language with zero native speakers. The reason was that Latin was considered a basic language to pick up for any would-be intellectual and was the language of the Catholic Church. <br />
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Don’t get me wrong, learning Chinese is certainly a useful pursuit, but the average Chinese intellectual would still rather learn English than to convince everyone else to learn Chinese. And whether you “should” learn a language entirely depends on your motivation to do so. Some Belgian schools offer students the choice between Spanish and German as a third foreign language, with Spanish being vastly more popular. But the economic and geographical reality is that German is much more useful, despite having a fewer amount of speakers.<br />
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<b>9. We’re evolving / should evolve to a World Language</b><br />
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Optimistic intellectuals of the 19th century made many attempts at creating new languages that would be easy to learn for anyone and serve as a world vernacular, chief among them Esperanto. Today, fewer people speak Esperanto than Quenya (J.R.R. Tolkien’s root Elvish language), despite the fact that Quenya is a fantasy language confined to a few fantasy novels. The reason for this, which is something J.R.R. Tolkien latently understood, is because Quenya has a (fictional) culture, and Esperanto does not. Languages with no culture attached to them are doomed to fail.<br />
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Another hurdle Esperanto faces is that it’s easy to understand and learn for people whose first language belongs to the Indo-European family, but is just as alien to speakers of Semitic, Khoisan or Sino-Tibetan languages as English is. Creating a language that is easy to learn for everyone simply is not possible, and besides, we already have a candidate for that position: mathematics.<br />
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A common trope of sci-fi is some sort of ‘World Common’, an amalgamation of great languages understood by all. This is extremely unlikely to ever happen. While it is true that ‘small’ languages are dying out fast, for all languages to merge into some sort of Frankenstein’s monster, it would take events of a globally disastrous scale to do that. This would necessitate a total breakdown of geopolitical order, mass population displacement and lots of violence.<br />
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<b>Conclusion</b><br />
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• Multilingualism is the norm, not the exception<br />
• Fluency can be achieved, perfection most likely not<br />
• Culture, not language defines your worldview<br />
• Animals don’t have languages<br />
• Language family trees are very messy and complex<br />
• Mutual language intelligibility can be very asymmetrical<br />
• A language’s difficulty depends on your starting point<br />
• Chinese is unlikely to become the world’s lingua franca anytime soon<br />
• A ‘World Language’ would require a global super-catastrophe</div>
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<br />Anton Voloshinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02975731085496119073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012138227361813864.post-15361222520948611922018-11-29T16:30:00.001+01:002018-11-29T16:30:16.291+01:00State of Failure: Belgians abroad<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lGVDoGU8iL8/W_8Ka5fUjsI/AAAAAAAAAck/c3WjIsvhDwAnKgAcuzfa7meB6r2LgMcrwCPcBGAYYCw/s1600/18.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="145" data-original-width="752" height="122" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lGVDoGU8iL8/W_8Ka5fUjsI/AAAAAAAAAck/c3WjIsvhDwAnKgAcuzfa7meB6r2LgMcrwCPcBGAYYCw/s640/18.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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<b>Introduction </b><br /><br />Belgians love their vacations and holidays. Unlike most other peoples, Belgians tend to avoid each other like the plague when abroad.<br /><br />Whereas Americans are always happy to meet compatriots abroad and the Dutch tend to magnetically clump together until they form a monstrous construct of noisy wheels, crying children and dirty caravans, Belgians travel in small, silent groups.<br /><br />One way Belgians achieve this stealth is by speaking as little as possible so that if at all doable, they blend in with the natives. When they do have to interact with people abroad, if possible they will not state their background.<br /><br />Walloons hate being thought of as French, except when in France. Flemings who have mastered English to a more or less perfect degree do the same in the UK and/or the US. Even Belgians of Moroccan or Turkish descend frequently visit the country where their roots lie, only to pretend not to be Belgian for as long as possible.<br /><br /><b>Important facts</b><br /><br />Belgians have grown tired of explaining to ignorant foreigners where Belgium is, that it’s not a boring country and that we’re about more than food and football (though both are pretty big in Belgium, of course).<br /><br />Some have taken this wariness to extreme heights of irony, like tricking gullible Americans into believing Belgium is an island in the Pacific, or that Belgium simply does not exist.<br /><br />Apparently Belgians are favoured hotel guests all over the world because they are quiet and polite. Of course, little do these hotel managers know Belgians still manage a smile even if they’re simmering with rage on the inside over a misplaced fork or the unavailability of fries.<br /><br /><b>Why Belgians travel</b><br /><br />The number one question Belgians face if they return home is: “how was the food”. No, I swear we’re not all about the food. This is not a small-talk question. The freshly-returned tourist will then describe each meal they had in great detail in front of an enraptured or disgusted audience, which is taking mental notes for future recollection. Bad food can spoil an entire holiday season.<br /><br />The second most important question is: “how was the weather”. Anything but mostly sunny is unacceptable of a summer holiday destination. Third and last is: “how were the people”, though that is more of a perfunctory question, because in most cases, Belgians can already draw on a long list of national stereotypes about people they’ve never even met.<br /><br />Belgians tend to reserve more sympathy for nations of somewhat similar standing, like Denmark, Slovenia, Switzerland, Sweden or Ireland.</div>
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<br /><br />Testament to this is the massive number of Irish pubs dotting the Belgian cityscape, mostly populated by personnel that tries its best to hide its massive Flemish accent when speaking English.<br /><br /><b>Where Belgians go</b><br /><br />Belgians’ holiday destinations depend on social class and on political preferences.</div>
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<b>Communicating with the locals</b><br />Walloons are rather shy and feel ill at ease when speaking a foreign language, even if, in some cases, their command of it is adequate enough. That’s why remaining within la Francophonie is an idea that appeals to them a lot.<br /><br />Bruxellois fancy themselves citizens of the world and feel more comfortable abroad, often better informed about foreign countries than what’s going on in Flanders and Wallonia.<br /><br />Flemings drastically overstate their knowledge of foreign languages and will often end up fumbling their way through comically embarrassing situations in a travesty of Spanish, Italian or German they picked up from comic books or pop culture.<br /><br />German-speaking Belgians are the deepest-cover tourists of all. They can pass for most Western-European nationals, and avidly do so to avoid explaining for the 1000th time German is spoken in Belgium.<br /><br /><b>How to make Belgian tourists miserable</b><br /><br /><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fkNuBf0PTAI/W_8KcnjUYLI/AAAAAAAAAc8/CymQu-1cjb4Ig2FZ8ZLgMSjCM2-vUcLYgCPcBGAYYCw/s1600/18g.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="597" data-original-width="758" height="504" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fkNuBf0PTAI/W_8KcnjUYLI/AAAAAAAAAc8/CymQu-1cjb4Ig2FZ8ZLgMSjCM2-vUcLYgCPcBGAYYCw/s640/18g.png" width="640" /></a><br /><br /><b><br />Amen</b><br /><br />So, ladies and gents, that was it for @antonvoloshin’s week of commanding the Control Room of @belgiumers. Feel free to follow me or check out my website www.antonvoloshin.net.<br /><br />I hope you enjoyed the ride and have as much fun flying along as I did captaining our spaceship! Commander Voloshin signing out!</div>
Anton Voloshinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02975731085496119073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012138227361813864.post-78601640488311927312018-11-29T16:26:00.002+01:002018-11-29T16:26:49.012+01:00State of Failure: Congo & co<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b>Introduction</b><br /><br />The countries of DR Congo, Burundi and Rwanda are Belgium’s former colonies. Apart from literally being goldmines, they are also paradises for biologists, anthropologists and doomsayers. Each year, new measurements are made of how deep humanity can sink amid chopped-off limbs, mass rape, genocide, greed and condescending Western indifference. In these lands, people still appreciate the true value of life.<br /></div>
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<br /><b>Natural liches</b><br /><br />A large part of the DR Congo is covered by rainforests. In the west and north, the Congo River forms a natural political border, though it’s not like foreigners need a lot of discouragement from visiting the country. In the east, several mass grave sites are mined for gold, silver and coltan. Rwanda and Burundi are hilly, which has given Rwanda its nickname, “the country of a thousand hills”.<br /><br /><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ihCulFQcWD0/W_8KZx1kYvI/AAAAAAAAAc0/2OlNXvCzEEMlXGsCgNk9_Dif4fv6ofz9QCPcBGAYYCw/s1600/17d.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="667" data-original-width="772" height="552" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ihCulFQcWD0/W_8KZx1kYvI/AAAAAAAAAc0/2OlNXvCzEEMlXGsCgNk9_Dif4fv6ofz9QCPcBGAYYCw/s640/17d.png" width="640" /></a><br /><b>From new low to new low, all the way down</b><br /><i>The phantom limb of the opera</i>: by playing off the UK, Germany and France against each other, Leopold II gets personal control over the Congo area in 1884. Although he never visits the enormous region himself, it soon becomes a nesting spot for psychopaths, priests of questionable spiritual merit, and racists.<br /><br /><i>White man who shits his pants</i>: after Leopold’s death in 1908, the Belgian state takes over Congo, and adds Rwanda and Burundi to them in 1919. In both nations, Belgians perfect the Germans’ system of racial classification, mostly based on racism and bullshit. In the ‘50s, king Baudouin visits the colonies under great public interest. The locals name him “bwana kitoko”, which means “white man who shits his pants”.<br /><br /><i>From Zaire to Congo</i>: after a volatile period, Congo becomes independent in 1960. Peace returns only after Patrice Lumumba is dead and Mobutu Sese Seko reforms the country into a kleptocracy. Mobutu will pride himself on the fact that his country will be among the 5 last in every possible world ranking and celebrates this by renaming the country Zaire. His regime falls in 1997, injuring its prostate. This is the dawn of the Kabila age. The land is called Congo again, with ‘Democratic Republic of’ added in front – each citizen now has a right to free AIDS, sexual torture and euthanasia.<br /><br /><i>Rumble in the jungle</i>: before the end of the Mobutu regime, Rwanda becomes the stage of a vicious genocide in 1992. About a million people die, mostly Tutsis, Twa and moderate Hutus. The UN promptly responds by politely asking the Rwandan militias to consider not killing people. The militias ignore the question, which results in a sternly worded letter from the UN.<br /><br /><i>Chinese democracy</i>: today, the area is still tense and volatile. As the West’s influence in Africa wanes, that of China is rising. Akin to the racist ‘white man’s burden’ from a century ago, the ‘yellow man’s burden’ is simply to ensure profits for Chinese companies while turning a blind eye to the horrible human rights records of many African countries.</div>
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<br /><b>Belgian micro-colonies</b><br /><i>Benidorm</i><br />To end on a somewhat lighter note, Belgium’s international presence was not limited to Africa. Benidorm is to Belgium what Gibraltar is to the UK. Today, it is mostly a dumping ground for old people, and it is expected the Belgian government will hand over Benidorm to Spain once the last person there has died (ca. 2030).<br /><br /><i>Comacina</i><br /><br />In the middle of the Como Lake in Italy, there’s a small island named Comacina, which was a present to King Albert I from Italy. The King didn’t much like olives and wasn’t too thrilled about the hot weather, so he gave the island back in 1920. This would turn out to be a costly mistake: he was killed by a mafia commando in 1934 while mountaineering.<br /><br /><i>The Princess Elisabeth base</i><br /><br />Antarctica has the Princess Elisabeth base, where scientists test the effect of long polar winters on the libido of Dixie Dansercour. The famed polar explorer would like to rename the base ‘The Penguin House’ and has requested ‘snow bunnies’ to come visit him – to no avail.<br /><br /><i>Baarle-Hertog</i><br /><br />In the Dutch province North-Brabant, there’s the Belgian exclave of Baarle-Hertog, which in turn encompasses a Dutch exclave within its borders. This unique construction became the blueprint for Swaziland and Lesotho.<br /><br />Both Baarles offer the worst of both worlds: potted fish in béchamel sauce, wilted fries from a wall machine, and liquorice that tastes like mayonnaise.<br /><br /><i>Pattaya</i><br /><br />In his search for compensation for the size of his small country, Leopold II also explored the Far East. Eventually, he chose Pattaya, a seaside town in Thailand that, corresponding to Ostend, would later get the lovely nickname ‘the Child Whore of Seaside Towns’. Its current governor, Lou Depryck of the political party Hollywood Bananas, continues this fine tradition to this day.</div>
Anton Voloshinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02975731085496119073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012138227361813864.post-40855059586508808092018-11-29T16:23:00.000+01:002018-11-29T16:23:00.517+01:00State of Failure: Luxembourg<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b>Introduction</b><br /><br />The heavily forested, pleasantly warm province of Luxembourg seems like a utopia at first sight, with its charming villages made of natural rock, its picturesque provincial towns and its old castles. However, for over 180 years, the province has been living in a cold war with its independent eastern neighbour, the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg.<br /><br />A demilitarized zone of 10km across both borders should prevent the blood-thirsty Grand Duke from risking a surprise attack to annex the province and subjecting it to his tyrannical regime of bankers and stock exchange traders. <br /><br /><b>Important facts</b></div>
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While being one of the largest provinces, Luxembourg is also Belgium’s most sparsely populated. People who want to live in Luxembourg are carefully vetted and checked first for potential hidden loyalties to Germany, France or the dastardly Grand Duke.<br /><br />By local law, Luxembourgians are also required to at least pass two evenings in a local bar drinking abbey beer, and attending at least three barbecues each summer to check on what the neighbours are doing.<br /><br />Every October, paedophiles are set loose in the forests to be hunted by amateur hunters for sport. They display their collection of scalped moustaches and brown-tinted glasses on their belts as trophies.</div>
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<b>Home swine home</b><br />The Ardennes forest covers most of the province in all of its leafy, rocky and riverly glory. Yet, the province has not as much trouble as its neighbours have with bored Flemish tourists. This is because Flemings have a psychotic fear of encountering large animals that aren’t catatonic and haven’t been put behind electrified fences.<br /><br />The south of Luxembourg has the Belgian Lorraine and Gaume areas, the terror of every geography student in secondary school.<br /><br /><b>The ranger’s ballad</b><br /><br />When the Belgian Revolution broke out in 1830, the revolutionaries also declared it was the will of the Luxembourgians to escape the Dutch yoke. That was a rather gratuitous statement, because there was almost no one in Luxembourg, let alone someone who could lay claim to that will or knew what was going on in Brussels.<br /><br />Liègeois and Namurian forest rangers joined forces to secretly move border posts to the east every day, until the Grand Duke, a loyal vassal of the Dutch king, got wind of it and sent his own rangers on the war path.<br /><br />Soon, a status quo emerged which has caused both Luxembourgs to exist in a state of cold war, despite all attempts of mediation by the UN. Some families of wild boars have been separated for generations because of this.</div>
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<b>To see and visit in Luxembourg</b></div>
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<i>Arlon</i><br />In any other province, Arlon would have shared the fate of provincial towns full of regressive simpletons such as Eeklo, Jambes or Hamont-Achel. But, for lack of a better alternative, Arlon was turned into the province’s capital. The city’s history purportedly dates back to the Roman era, but what use is that to its present-day inmates?<br /><br /><i>Belgian Lorraine</i><br />The Belgian Lorraine area prides itself on its micro-climate. The region has a strong showing in statistics of forest fires, skin cancers and death by over-heating, even beating the Kempen. The Red Cross regularly sets up shop during summers to distribute bags of Orval.<br /><br /><i>Bastogne</i><br /><br />Bastogne rose to world fame during WW2 when Nazi general von Rundsted’s troops were unable to cut through the thick walls of Ardennes ham, cheese and sausage. This event is commemorated every year during the Liège-Bastogne-Liège festival with thick, oversized sandwiches.<br /><br /><i>Bouillon</i><br /><br />The town of Bouillon became part of history thanks to its Godfried. In the 11th century, he built a castle and got so insane with boredom in the middle of nowhere that he travelled to Jerusalem and clobbered everyone to death on the way.<br /><br />Today, Bouillon, just like Bastogne, is mainly the theatre of ‘reenactors’, who, dressed up in Mediaeval or Nazi gear, try to give their sex life a new dimension.<br /><br /><i>Virton</i><br /><br />Virton is marked as the only town whose football club refused a promotion to the Belgian Premier League. Its Rangers couldn’t guarantee the men’s safety if they would travel beyond the province borders.<br /><br /><i>Durbuy</i><br /><br />With its misleading title as “the smallest city in the world”, Durbuy annually convinces thousands of tourists and naive Flemish television presenters to heap praise on a place that has nothing on offer except a bland mini-golf course.<br /><br />Few people know Durbuy owes its title to it being founded by leprechauns, who went extinct by the 18th century.<br /><br /><b>In His Majesty’s Secret Service</b><br /><br />Every Luxembourgian is enrolled in the Belgian Secret Services to help the fight against infiltrators from the evil Grand Duke. Barring that, many Luxembourgian men, grown buff and strong through lumberjacking, swine wrestling and rock climbing, find employ in the German porn industry. Their Ardennes sausages are the stuff of legend in pornography.<br /><br /><b>Eating shit and drinking piss</b><br /><br />With genocidal crusades going out of vogue somewhere near the 15th century, Luxembourgians have come up with elaborate folk traditions that differ from village to village. These include bizarre wedding rituals such as attempting to peek up the skirt of the bride, or drinking senior citizens’ urine for good luck.<br /><br />Another typical Luxembourgian pastime is the shit lottery, where the village’s most obese person shits in a field, and the person who was allotted this square of land in a secret ballot has to eat all the shit. The neighbouring Grand Duchy has a similar game, but with cocaine.</div>
Anton Voloshinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02975731085496119073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012138227361813864.post-14335975652831437312018-11-29T16:20:00.001+01:002018-11-29T16:20:04.634+01:00State of Failure: the Prince-Bishopric of Liège and the East Cantons<br />
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<b>Introduction </b><br /><br />The Bishopric of Liège can lay claim to being the most Belgian of all provinces. In its historical area, Belgium’s three future languages had been spoken for centuries, and it is also the cradle of fries, waffles, weapons and paedo priests. In addition, the Bishopric was never part of the original Seventeen Provinces.<br /><br />Like real proto-Belgians, the Liègeois preferred muddling on on themselves, under God’s gently closed eyes.<br /><br />When the German Empire ceded Prussian Wallonia to Belgium in 1919, it was actually relieved to be rid of it. The East Cantons had 0 economical value, no monuments and not even any mountains. Ever since, the East Cantons are Belgium’s eccentric old uncle who lives in the garden house – as long as the married couple keeps arguing and shouting, they can’t hear how the garden house’s inhabitant cries himself to sleep every night.<br /><br /><b>Important facts</b></div>
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Liège is Belgium’s largest province, mostly due to its indigestion because of all the lovely, tasty food it produces. Don’t fat-shame the province, however, or you will stare down the barrel of some semi-automatic rifle made to kill some poor sods in Africa or Asia.<br /><br />‘La chaise à papy’ (“Grandfather’s chair”) is an important object in any Liègeois household, to be treated with proper respect. Even if a family is without a grandfather, his putative chair must be protected from water, fire, wind or jam damage at all costs.</div>
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<b>Belgium’s arse</b><br />Liège is Belgium’s shapely buttocks, which means the region never left its anal phase. Prince-bishop André Léonard has a strong Catholic anal fixation on sodomy.<br /><br />The Meuse, Rhine and Ourthe rivers get their characteristically black colour from industrial erosion, while the forested Ardennes and Condroz regions rejoice in the annual coming of dozens of sweaty, lost Flemings and Dutch people in ugly shorts.<br /><br />More to the south, there’s the Famenne Depression, which is slowly filling up due to the large amount of people that come there to commit suicide.<br /><br /><b>Seasoning the Mass wine</b><br /><br />Even in the Middle Ages, people noted that the Liège area made excellent weapons. This industry balloons under Leopold II’s rule, who supplies weapon maker FN with a test area in the heart of Africa, where customers can hunt elephants, lions and human beings.<br /><br />As a counterpart to all this violence, the Liège area also gained a reputation as a spa: towns like Spa and Chaudfontaine were able to convince the world it was worth the effort to pay for bottled water.<br /><br /><b>To see and visit in Liège and the East Cantons</b></div>
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<i>Liège proper</i><br />The city of Liège proper is known as ‘the Fiery City’. Liègeois are irritated by their city’s image as ‘the Palermo of the North’ if they’re not too busy dodging grenades and bullets or being mugged by grandsons of impoverished Italian workers.<br /><br /><i>Herstal</i><br /><br />Herstal’s weapon factories are known all over the world. Maoist rebels, Arab dictators, American elite troops and other ambitious criminals against humanity all stick to FN’s guns. For the demanding customer who wishes to murder people in very specific ways, FN also makes tailor-made guns.<br /><br /><i>Grâce-Hollogne</i><br /><br />The house of horrors of Grâce-Hollogne is probably the province’s best-known tourist attraction. Your entire family can get the shivers by being buried alive or experiencing horrific domestic abuse. Even the little ones are taken care of: they can get locked up in one of the house’s paedo cellars and die of starvation and exposure.<br /><br /><i>Spa®</i><br /><br />Picturesque Spa® lent its name in English to all spas, a profitable franchise that still brings in millions in royalties to the town. Spa® offers a wide range of hydrating products based on dihydrogen oxide and is a world leader in its sector.</div>
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<i>Huy</i><br /><br />Huy is a famed magnet for cycling tourists – the Walloon Arrow hits the heart of many senior citizens with lethal precision every year. The Tour de France also regularly passes through the town, a tradition that dates back to the 17th century, when Louis XIV first burnt down the place.<br /><br />In spite of this, Huy citizens remain indefatigably optimistic: the only bridge, fountain, wall and window that they’ve got left have been immediately branded as world wonders.<br /><br /><b>The grandma syndicate</b><br /><br />Many people in the province work as used car salespeople, junk dealers or football stewards if they can’t get a job in gun testing on civilians. Pictured: “Your tartiflette or your life!”<br /><br />Because of high unemployment levels, some gun testers have gone international as consultants in conflict areas in the Middle-East, where murder is plentiful and rape is considered part of the extra-legal compensation package.<br /><br />Another work hotspot is the manufacture of Liègeois black jam by thousands of grandmothers, who have combined their recipes into a veritable MegaZord of sweetness. The city proper has recently opened facilities for people addicted to the jam, so they can get their daily fix in safe and sanitary environments instead of having to slurp the jam in seedy back alleys.<br /><br /><b>Oufti!</b><br /><br />People from Liège know how to party. If not surrounded by burning car tyres at strike checkpoints, then with fireworks on the streets. <br /><br />The peculiar accent of people in the province results from permanently being drunk on cheap beer and having to pass gas orally or anally, also known as the ‘Oufti’-sound. Another party hotspot is le Carré in the city centre of Liège, where students sell their bodies to the highest bidder of alcohol, and middle-aged men revive their lost sexual appetites to no avail.<br /><br />Liège’s best-known football club is Standard Liège, the supporters of which are the stuff of legend. No other hooligans have destroyed as many bus stops, stadium seats, cars and human skulls.</div>
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<br />Anton Voloshinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02975731085496119073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012138227361813864.post-71187330953076878412018-11-29T16:15:00.002+01:002018-11-29T16:15:14.593+01:00State of Failure: Namur<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b>Introduction</b><br />Namur is the kind of province conservative parents would approve of if their son or daughter would date it. Namur charms mum with its quiet nature, good income and cultural finesse, while dad will appreciate the province for its liberal mainstream and refined taste in regional craft beer and cheese.<br /><br />But here’s the thing conservative parents would hate: Namur is gay. Namur is so gay, in fact, an entire piece of France is lodged in its arse.<br /><br /><b>Important facts</b></div>
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Namur’s heraldic weapon is a Flemish lion with a diagonal, red band across it. This does not mean Flemings aren’t welcome in the province. The Namurians, who were historically vassals of the County of Flanders, simply thought it looked better on the lion as an accessory.<br /><br />Namurians tend to be a bit curmudgeonly. They grumble about the arrogant French, the elite from Brussels or snooty Flemings who want to dictate their way of life. The truth is that they think their laid-back, easy-going way of life is the best way of life, and they can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want to live a life full of constant beer and cheese.<br /><br />They are quick to scare, however. Yell “oh no, a falling boulder”, or “oh no, an invading army”, and Namurians will curl up into foetal position and yammer helplessly until someone brings them a fresh pint of beer.<br /></div>
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<br /><br /><b>Damp caves</b><br /><br />The landscape of Namur is generally rocky and forested, but is also pretty easy-going. Now and then, a piece of rock will crash down onto a car or a roof, but that’s about it. Geologically speaking, the province is most known for its warm, damp caves. Speleologists, young people and perverts come visit the caves en masse every summer to get unforgettable experiences.<br /><br />The Namurians think that’s all fine and dandy. Whatever happens in the caves, stays in the caves. Sometimes literally so. Skeletons of clumsy seniors who got stuck in the caves are not an unusual discovery.<br /><br /><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-x_dXSxfALhQ/W_8KT1lb07I/AAAAAAAAAck/8whksr-NJ7It6oETxwU3PBEsKXS1lvBEQCPcBGAYYCw/s1600/14c.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="325" data-original-width="532" height="390" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-x_dXSxfALhQ/W_8KT1lb07I/AAAAAAAAAck/8whksr-NJ7It6oETxwU3PBEsKXS1lvBEQCPcBGAYYCw/s640/14c.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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<br /><b>Pacifism über alles</b><br /><br />Cowardice and easy-goingness go hand in hand to make Namurians a very peaceful people. In both World Wars, local rulers went back to reading their newspaper or going fishing after hastily signing documents of surrender or shaking hands with some commander or the other.<br /><br />Napoleon also got a dosage of the easy life between Samber and Meuse: when he threatened to annex the region, the Namurians asked him if he’d be able to tell at what time he would arrive so they could serve him cold beer. As punishment for its cowardice, Wallonia made Namur proper its capital.<br /><br /><b>To see and visit in Namur</b><br /></div>
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<i>Namur proper</i><br />Namur is Namur’s capital. Its history has always been connected with its bulky citadel. This citadel lays claim to the title of “most frequently destroyed military bulwark of Europe”. Austrian, Spanish, French, Dutch and German armies each burnt down the citadel and then rebuilt it as some sort of practical joke.<br /><br />As we speak, the Chinese government is in talks with the city council to destroy the citadel, as is befitting of a rising superpower.<br /><br /><i>Profondeville</i><br />The name itself is an indicator, Profondeville (“Deep City”) is Belgium’s most depressing town. Its inhabitants live 87m below sea level in a complex of abandoned mine shafts and rarely get to see sunlight. Its number of suicides would be disturbing if the Walloon government hadn’t forgotten this city existed in the first place.<br /><br /><i>Dinant</i><br /><br />For centuries, Dinant has been specialized in dying. During the Habsburg era, Philip the Good tossed 800 coppersmiths into the Meuse, the French burnt down the city in the 17th century Spanish-French War, and during WW1, the Germans executed some 700 people without reason.<br /><br />In the court archives of the Habsburgs, field notes from French generals as well as diaries from German commanders, there is always some variant of “In Dinant. The way these people look offend me.” <br /><br /><i>Gembloux</i><br />Gembloux claims the most slowly speaking Belgians. This has saddled it with the cliché that its inhabitants are dumb. This is not true at all: 50% of its people manages to write their own name, and its elementary school serve all students between ages 6 and 66.<br /><br /><i>Han-sur-Lesse</i><br />In the caves of Han-sur-Lesse, Europe’s last Neanderthals eke out a living. As is befitting of the liberal work ethos of Namur, they fleece tourists with fake cave paintings and made-up rituals for corpulent mother goddesses. In the evening, they simply relax in front of television and have a beer in their caves that have been reconverted to spacious loft apartments.<br /><br /><b>Practicing home skills at work</b><br />Namurians can be found all over Wallonia and Brussels in quiet, unassuming offices, whiling away their time while reading up on fishing, grass-mowing techniques or papercuts. That Namur proper was chosen as Wallonia’s capital city hasn’t impressed them: it was always meant to be this way, wasn’t it?<br /><br />Their greatest enemy is exhaustion. That’s why Namur’s citadel walls contain the remains of hundreds of labourers “simply having a beer” for six days, until the bricks encapsulated them.<br /><br /><b>Let’s talk about sax</b><br />Adolphe Sax, native of Dinant, invented the saxophone, a very complex instrument that also allows very lazy people to claim some degree of artistry. Pictured: “Nice.” This is indicative of the province’s sense of reclusion and indifference: blow some notes, fine. Make a masterpiece, alright. Just don’t do anything violent.<br /><br />Every year in October, Wallonia celebrates itself in the city of Namur. This includes a lot of drinking, desperate sex and crying.</div>
Anton Voloshinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02975731085496119073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012138227361813864.post-416054484127121762018-11-29T16:11:00.000+01:002018-11-29T16:11:07.673+01:00State of Failure: Hainaut<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b>Introduction</b><br /><br />In Hainaut, all seems faded glory – even its faded glory has faded. In 1997, UNESCO put the region on the list as ‘world heritage site of squalidness’, which has been strictly observed since by a network of welfare centres and socialist czars.<br /><br />In opposition to the rest of Wallonia, Hainaut is the province that was originally French- instead of Walloon-speaking. Unfortunately, the French consider them ‘Ch’ti’ for this reason, or part of le Nord, the most economically underdeveloped and deplorably wasted region of France.<br /><br /><b>Important facts</b></div>
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A prevalent sub-ethnicity of Hainaut is the Baraki, a forward-thinking post-apocalyptic people whose resilience and resourcefulness are unmatched by any other Western people. Relying on their wits, reflexes and good contacts with local PS officials, Barakis get by on the most slender of means.<br /><br />Uselessness is an art form in this province. From a ship lift nobody uses to a metro system nobody wanted, the region is littered with existentialist odes to the pointlessness of human life.</div>
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<b>One does not simply walk into Hainaut</b><br /><br />Hainaut’s impressive, blackened landscape was the background of Peter Jackson’s ‘Lord of the Rings’ trilogy scenes set in the dark lands of Mordor. Locals were hired to play Orcs.<br /><br />Dark, abandoned mineshafts and macabre rust towers are surrounded by ominous music and distant howls, day and night. In cities, people are unemployed from 9am to 3pm, and after that, all shops close.<br /><br /><b>Straw man made of coal</b><br /><br />When coal deposits were discovered in the region in the 19th century, things seemed to look up for a while. Luckily, local industry moguls and violent union members worked together to stop this. They built a merciless network based on predatory capitalism on the one hand, and chafing worker privileges on the other hand, which preserved the province’s squalid nature. Today, Hainaut mainly acts as straw man of angry Flemish nationalists.<br /><br /><b>To see and visit in Hainaut</b></div>
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<i>Tournai</i><br /><br />The city of Tournai briefly acted as capital of the Merovingian Empire under Clovis. However, Clovis quickly moved to Aix-la-Chapelle when it turned out his serfs kept demanding higher wages, set up checkpoints against cane beatings and he was expected to listen to the complaints of his bureaucrats.<br /><br /><i>Charleroi</i><br /><br />Charleroi was founded and named after Charles V, Habsburg Emperor, as a proto-industrial metropole. It has never left this phase. Even today, Charleroi is a bizarre maze of conflicts between guilds of car thieves, burglars, muggers and drug lords, and choking fumes arise from all of the city’s smithing workshops.<br /><br /><i>Mons and the Borinage</i><br /><br />Mons is the home of mayor, PS party president, secretary and Carnival Prince Elio Di Rupo. Annually, people push up a horse-drawn carriage up a hill to symbolize the futility of Walloon Sisyphean labour.<br /><br />The surrounding area, the Borinage, is popular with international aid organizations. They often practice there for interventions under extreme conditions in countries like Somalia, Nepal and Afghanistan.<br /><br /><i>Comines-Warneton</i><br /><br />Geographically situated in West-Flanders, Comines-Warneton is Hainaut’s success story. Contrary to the dutchification of the similar Voeren in the east, Comines’ frenchification was seamless. This was mainly due to the fact that the locals were illiterate.<br /><br /><i>Barissart</i><br /><br />In 1878, 30 dinosaur skeletons were discovered in the mines of Barissart. These were large herbivores from the Cretaceous area. The skeletons showed signs of a sedentary lifestyle with little exertion. They were immediately named honorary labour union members.<br /><br /><i>Binche</i><br /><br />Each year, the small city of Binche honours director Stanley Kubrick’s ‘A Clockwork Orange’. Men dress up in pale-masked gimp suits and throw oranges at people. To be assaulted by the ‘Gilles’, as they are called, is seen as a positive sign for the year to come.<br /><br /><b>Economic masturbation</b><br /><br />While stereotypes dictate Hainautois are mostly unemployed, this isn’t really true. For instance, many people slave away at a minimum wage at the Charleroi airport, the only place in the province even Flemish people dare visit without fear of getting mugged.<br /><br />There is also a thriving tourist industry, where rich people are bussed around in armoured vans to masturbate as they watch the province’s poor wallow in a pool of filth and cheap beer.<br /><br />In addition, the track suit industry recognizes Hainaut as one of its best markets. They even sell wedding tracksuits emblazoned with birds and bells.</div>
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<b>Tenderized hearts</b><br /><br />Carolos, as the inhabitants of Charleroi are called, take pride in their city’s football team, which never fails to not meet expectations. This is true to the spirit of Hainaut.<br /><br />Other Walloons regard Hainautois as somewhat goofy and rude, but kind-hearted. Of course, it’s easy to be kind-hearted if your heart has already been tendered by soot, liberal volumes of alcohol and frying grease. Still, a strong carnival tradition keeps many people afloat here, hoping that building papier maché replicas of daft politicians will somehow free them from their existential pain.</div>
Anton Voloshinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02975731085496119073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012138227361813864.post-1766838050193367412018-11-29T16:06:00.001+01:002018-11-29T16:06:17.435+01:00State of Failure: Walloon Brabant<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b> </b><br />Nobody likes Walloon Brabant. Other Walloons envy its wealth, its pompous SUVs and its solid economy. Flemish nationalists, on the other hand, find that Walloon Brabant’s economic success is a sign the province should belong to Flanders instead. Its Waterloo Lion is the surest sign that this province is merely muddled Flemish territory.<br /><br />Indeed Walloon Brabant is a stronghold of French liberalism, whereas the rest of the region is mired in the socialist soup kitchens of the PS, but have no fear: liberal politicians are as reliably corrupt as their socialist counterparts.</div>
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<br /><br /><b>Important facts</b><br /><br />Young Walloon Brabantians train in hockey, a sport that has more respectability than vulgar sports such as football, or peasants’ pastimes like cycling. When they get older and fatter, they resort to playing golf, often employing a mentally challenged neighbour who lives in an outhouse of their surgeon or lawyer villa.<br /><br />When Walloon Brabantian girls turn 18, the family convenes and mediates a suitably well-off suitor for them, and gifts her a Fiat 500 or Mini Cooper for her trouble. Contrary to national stereotypes, Walloon Brabantians don’t care if the spouse of their child is Walloon or Flemish or even Polish or Brazilian: money is a universal language that all understand and speak.<br /><br /><b>A rich man’s no man’s land</b><br /><br />Walloon Brabant is a transitional zone between Flanders and Wallonia. From Roman legions to Austrian regiments to casual wanderers – at some point everyone gets lost in this no man’s land. Countless rivers, similar-looking forests, deserted golf courses, endless Mercedes garages and fenced villas make this area a bizarre rich man’s labyrinth.<br /><br />The many small side-rivers of the Money River to Wallonia often disappear in Walloon Brabant forests, only reappearing as small little brooks once they exit the province and flow on to the rest of Wallonia.<br /><br /><b>A people steeped in myth</b><br /><br />According to history, Napoleon suffered his definitive defeat in Waterloo. Historians openly doubted whether this place was real until the Swedish scholarly group Abba re-ignited interest in history in 1974.<br /><br />Since then, it has been proven beyond a doubt that the region was inhabited by very shy, reclusive tax evaders for generations. However, the locals were far from pleased with the ensuing tourism. There is still a trial going on at the European Court of Justice, with a demand to extradite Benny, Björn, Anni-Frid and Agnetha, but without conclusive success.<br /><br /><b>To see and visit in Walloon Brabant</b></div>
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<b> </b><br /><br /><i>Walibi</i><br /><br />Walloon Brabant capital Walibi will certainly please the casual tourist. A guided boat tour on the River Radja (named so in honour of the legendary half-Indonesian ninja) or a train travel through the Calamity Mine are mostly preferred by senior citizens.<br /><br /><i>Louvain-la-Neuve</i><br /><br />Louvain-la-Neuve is the counterpart of Louvain-Central. Youth offenders are re-educated here so they still might attain their degree. This way, many adolescents can still become an engineer or economist, or, worst case, a PS politician. Even if the latter is also possible without any qualifications.<br /><br /><i>Nivelles and Beauvechain</i><br /><br />Nivelles is famous for its group supermarket visits, which made the town rise to fame in the middle ‘80s, when groups succeeded in leaving supermarkets without paying. Beauvechain is a theme park for military officers and hawks. They glow with pride as they send and receive rusty old cargo airplanes full of useless peacekeeping troops who hate their jobs.<br /><br /><i>Ittre</i><br /><br />Ittre’s hospitality industry is famous for its customer orientation. Regulars get exquisite meals and enjoy gastronomical luxury. There are also facilities such as prison wall climbing. In addition, the industry’s wards are pretty mellow. They go on strike so often that the hotels pretty much run themselves, resulting in the typically breezy Walloon atmosphere.<br /><br /><b>Wallonia’s Flemings</b><br /><br />As Walloon Brabant is the Flanders of Wallonia, so too have Walloon Brabantians adopted the Flemish work ethic. Pictured: Flemish mores penetrating into Wallonia. They work as hard as West-Flemings, are as falsely modest as East-Flemings, often work in Brussels like the Flemish Brabantians and have Antwerpian sense of disdain for poor people. The only Flemish province they don’t take after is Limburg, because Limburg is Flanders’ Wallonia.<br /><br /><b>Dining on the company dime</b><br /><br />It is said that Walloon Brabantians are all work and no play. That is manifestly untrue. Walloon Brabantians love social outings with investors, or inviting over families of similar financial standing for dinner, where they quietly boast about their latest speed boat or all-in holiday to the Dominican Republic.<br /><br />No seven-course meal in the province is complete without each participant’s insistence that they will pay. As folklore dictates, though, it is always the company that pays. This may or may not include hookers and cocaine.</div>
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Anton Voloshinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02975731085496119073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012138227361813864.post-22811134807350947962018-11-28T23:36:00.001+01:002018-11-28T23:36:11.351+01:00State of Failure: Brussels Capital District<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b>Introduction </b><br /><br />The Brussels Capital District offers 19 unique forms of misery to its visitors. Brussels proper is but one of the communes of the District, which looks like a puzzle made up by an autistic child with ADHD.<br /><br />The District comprises 19 communes, 6 police zones, 28 crime hotbeds, 11 erogenous zones and 24 zones where everyone feels better than the next guy, each with their own frietkot, waffle stand and tourist trap where you can buy phosphorescent little Atomiums.<br /><br /><b>Important facts</b></div>
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While French is the lingua franca in Brussels, expect to hear a true Babylonian variety of languages. Pretending to be German to get out of a pickle is always a good idea, because even the lowliest rascal speaks some amount of English or Dutch.<br /><br />Brussels used to be an intellectual free haven for radical thinkers that were too radical even for France. Now it’s a haven for terrorists even too terroristic for France. However, Brussels’ bleak reputation is a little undeserved. Because it’s a true world capital, this also means it has all of the world’s problems dumped onto a territory the size of a hanky.</div>
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<b>So close, yet so dystopic</b><br /><br />Brussels always surprises. Each corner can hide an imposing palace, and the corner of said palace can reveal a bit of left-behind Congo or Maghreb. European technocrats and fat cat lobbyists go hand in hand with fraudulent Senegalese marabouts, and every metro station has its own diverse cast of youth gangs and ugly ‘70s artwork.<br /><br />While the District is majority French-speaking, its Flemish inhabitants are kept quarantined and pampered like well-cared for pets, for their own good.<br /><br /><b>Paris’s retarded cousin</b><br /><br />Brussels has an inferiority complex vis à vis Paris. Brussels may have nine steel balls that measure 102m, Paris has a dick that stands 324m tall. During the French Revolution, they beheaded the king, but the Dutch king’s bust merely got a wheel of cheese placed on his head for a crown by the Belgians. In Paris, the streets can boil and burn for days, but in Brussels you can get stabbed for a dumb mp3 player.<br /><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-oJpHsR4nMQI/W_8KNweJ7YI/AAAAAAAAAdE/BaYJHV0PoBcS64EZgTWbMeakpfrPph0GgCEwYBhgL/s1600/11c.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="361" data-original-width="726" height="318" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-oJpHsR4nMQI/W_8KNweJ7YI/AAAAAAAAAdE/BaYJHV0PoBcS64EZgTWbMeakpfrPph0GgCEwYBhgL/s640/11c.png" width="640" /></a><br />The name ‘Brussels’ derives from Dutch ‘Broekzele’, called thus because the inhabitants of this area were the first ones to start wearing pants (“broeken” in Dutch). From there on, this habit spread to the rest of the until then naked-legged Belgians.<br /><br />The Bruxellois love dressing up anyway. Every day, Manneken Pis gets a new outfit from its hare krishnas, and the juicy Bruxellois dialect is a linguistic drag queen between French and Dutch.<br /><br /><b>To see and visit in the Brussels Capital District</b><br /><br /><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-XMyZEEsWHPg/W_8KOROp_uI/AAAAAAAAAdM/Ka8F5sQJy1EkpvVHTVSjDdPTlvaEexo4wCEwYBhgL/s1600/11d.PNG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-XMyZEEsWHPg/W_8KOROp_uI/AAAAAAAAAdM/Ka8F5sQJy1EkpvVHTVSjDdPTlvaEexo4wCEwYBhgL/s640/11d.PNG" width="640" /></a> </div>
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<i>Brussels proper</i><br /><br />Brussels proper is the seat of the Global Panhandler Union. Brussels’ picturesquely uncomfortable and overheated station of Brussels “Central” (these quotation marks probably denote some joke lost to time) causes 75% of all of Belgium’s train delays. This is because of its byzantine architecture, announcements in language varieties understood by no one, and only two available tracks (the other 4 are reserved for EU servants).<br /><br /><i>Sint-Jans-Molenbeek-Saint-Jean</i><br /><br />Sint-Jans-Molenbeek-Saint-Jean was one of the last bastions of Ba’athism to fall as a consequence of the Arab Spring, when mullah Philippe Moureaux was ousted after 20 years of mismanagement. While there is hope for Molenbeek, the rise of IS-affiliated terrorism has affected the commune like it also has in Iraq and Syria.<br /><br />Salah Abdeslam, an IS member co-responsible for atrocious terror attacks in Paris and Brussels, hails from Molenbeek and was arrested in a typically Belgian fashion: given away by his preference for tasty food.<br /><br /><i>Etterbeek</i><br /><br />As the name lets on, Etterbeek is the dirtiest town of Belgium (‘etter’ means “pus” in Dutch). Brussels’ students from three universities and 11 colleges make sure pedestrians regularly slip in puddles of vomit or urine, and many streets have a penetrating odour of stale beer. Language conflicts are few and in between here: everyone speaks the language of love.<br /><br /><i>Watermaal-Bosvoorde/Watermael-Boitfort</i><br /><br />Watermaal-Bosvoorde/Watermael-Boitfort is the perfect place to experience Brussels the way its rich, French-speaking elite imagines it should be. A nostalgic atmosphere of la Belgique à papa with fancy cars, exclusive dinners and radio news that pretends immigrants, Flemings and socialists are nothing more than a bad dream from another universe.<br /><br /><i>Ukkel/Uccle</i><br /><br />The enclosed military domain of Ukkel/Uccle has been the subject of a heated debate for years. Some think it houses a NATO base where scientists experiment with nuclear technology, while others believe the Belgian Air Force is experimenting with extra-terrestrial technology. The domain’s spokespeople simply claim the place is being used for meteorological research.<br /><br /><i>Anderlecht</i><br /><br />Anderlecht is home to Belgium’s most successful football club, although that’s a bit like saying you can defeat 10 year olds at wrestling. Still, it’s a force to be reckoned with, and even the superstar Prince was fan of the team – hence its Purple Army. <br /><br />To this day, Anderlecht hooligans wear high heels and make-up to every brawl, intimidating the Liège, Bruges or Ghent sides, to honour the deceased superstar. I mean, imagine a 100kg ball of rage barrelling at you in a screeching falsetto, wearing Louboutins and decked out in full face make-up? Yeah, I’d get the hell out of dodge, too.<br /><br /><b>Gaming the system</b><br /><br />Thousands of Flemings and Walloons come to Brussels every day to work, and take the lion’s share of the wealth created there back home with them. As a consequence, there is a lot of poverty in some quarters of Brussels, and high unemployment. <br /><br />And it’s not like the royal family or our politicians are giving a good example by leeching off the system instead of doing actual work. Luckily, politics in Belgium is accommodating. They are basically beauty pageants for ugly people and those who can either brown nose the best or appeal best to angry white people.<br /><br />The regular route is then to decry all state welfare while enjoying some of its best parts, and imploring the unemployed to better themselves while steadily sinking away in a bog of corruption and nepotism themselves.<br /><br />This ‘affairism’ is a typically Belgian trait, and those who condemn it tend to be the first ones to take advantage of it, making everyone more or less complicit in an informal system that sometimes astounds our Dutch or German neighbours.<br /><b><br />“Love you, Paris!”</b><br /><br />Brussels swings, sings and jives. From the Flemish Zoo in the Dansaert Street to the vibrant Matongé quarter, you don’t need to tell a Bruxellois how to have fun. Pictured: entry plaque to the Flemish Zoo.<br /><br />Many world-class bands often visit Brussels, and with it their attending clumsiness in how to address Belgian crowds. We have been known to having been called Dutch, “love you Paris”, addressed exclusively in French or in super-broken Dutch, or simply be met by a weird English snarl.<br /><br />After Lemmy Kilmister died in 2017, Brussels now also boasts the n°1 spot in the most permanently drunken singer still alive, and that’s Arno, who is a living, staggering landmark of the District.</div>
Anton Voloshinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02975731085496119073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012138227361813864.post-91618516162894098582018-11-28T23:32:00.000+01:002018-11-28T23:32:08.726+01:00State of Failure: Flemish Brabant<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b>Introduction </b><br /><br />Flemish Brabant owes its existence to the ever-changing language conflict, a quarrel that escalated after some cockfighting. But the province has so much more on offer. Discerning visitors will find undisturbed areas of silence right next to mega festival grounds. Some fields are still manually harvested, right next to toxic industry zones and cancer factories. And, there are woods with magnificent palaces next to villages where everyone still gets their water from the village pump.<br /><br /><b>Important facts</b></div>
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<br />The name ‘Flemish Brabant’ has caused some confusion, because there is also a ‘Walloon Brabant’, and, in the Netherlands, ‘North Brabant.’ The story is a pretty simple one: everything from Waterloo to Eindhoven (NL) used to be the Duchy of Brabant.<br /><br />However, Antwerp insisted on naming its province after itself, and North Brabant simply couldn’t let go, like a spurned ex-husband who keeps his wife’s photographs and still has an old key. Belgian Brabant got split in 1995 into its Dutch-speaking and its French-speaking halves. Like in that JCVD flick where he has an evil twin, both Belgian Brabants now eye one another suspiciously.</div>
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<br /><br /><b>A crippled child</b><br /><br />No province summarizes Belgium better than Flemish Brabant. When it started out in 1995, the Walloons took the best agricultural grounds with them, and Europe claimed Brussels as its own, literally driving a hole into what remained of Flemish Brabant. Ever since that tri-partition, there has been an unending gyre between three peoples.<br /><br />Rich French-speakers from Brussels move to Flemish Brabant, who in turn leave for Walloon Brabant, where the houses are somewhat more affordable, driving the Walloons to Brussels. It’s basically like the plastic soup in the Pacific, only it’s made of disgruntled people.<br /><br /><b>The cordon sanitaire</b><br /><br />To avoid crime and immigration problems from Brussels spreading out to the rest of the country, the province has created a cordon sanitaire around it. The ‘Green Belt’ around Brussels is maintained by both language communities. To the south, a demarcation line is observed by rich, French-speaking racists, and everywhere else, Flemish racists guard the front.<br /><br />Each year, Flemings drive up the ante by intimidating Bruxellois only the way middle-aged men with too much time can: they cycle around the Green Belt aggressively, in fluorescent spandex and with lots of beer.<br /><br /><b>To see and visit in Flemish Brabant</b><br /> <a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-eIlcDsznE6A/W_8KMfhOdBI/AAAAAAAAAdA/_SXqrQVlEPQ2YhxKH8KfdiT5k4mygyjIACEwYBhgL/s1600/10d.PNG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-eIlcDsznE6A/W_8KMfhOdBI/AAAAAAAAAdA/_SXqrQVlEPQ2YhxKH8KfdiT5k4mygyjIACEwYBhgL/s640/10d.PNG" width="640" /></a></div>
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<i>Louvain</i><br /><br />Louvain is a city of records. It boasts the world’s longest bar, the most enlightened despot, the largest number of civil action committees and the greatest amount of student unions per square meter. Louvain is also home to the beer giant Anheuser-Busch InBev, who discovered the secret of how to turn river water from the Dyle into quality beer and pay €0 in taxes while doing so.<br /><br />Last but not least, here is also Europe’s only university that manages to lose knowledge rather than gain it: visionary rectors have let its library perish in flames, or chased out half their staff to the other part of the country. In a more recent past, rectors gave away interesting knowledge for a few quarters to so-called spin-off companies. For instance, rector Torfs himself began a retail chain of shoe stores.<br /><br /><i>The ‘Rand’</i><br /><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-r10WLD7rlEA/W_8KL5tTMGI/AAAAAAAAAcs/PqEnos53V-EN0b5Id_DSrijav9zFbT4TQCEwYBhgL/s1600/10c.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="367" data-original-width="526" height="446" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-r10WLD7rlEA/W_8KL5tTMGI/AAAAAAAAAcs/PqEnos53V-EN0b5Id_DSrijav9zFbT4TQCEwYBhgL/s640/10c.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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Travelers are advised to avoid most of the so-called ‘Rand’ around Brussels. Its western part, the Pajottenland, has been terrorized for decades by the elusive bandit Urbanus van Anus. The eastern portion is more developed, with the national airport of Zaventem. But, despite the Oslo Accords and resolution 446 of the UN Security Council, French-speakers keep building new colonies.<br /><br /><i>Werchter</i><br /><br />The area around Werchter is world-famous for its summer music festivals. Its reputation as a free haven for young people for wild, aberrant behaviour, unique music experiences and seedy sex is greatly exaggerated.<br /><br />In the past few years, the area mainly attracts thirty-something middle class people, and the number of incidents because of urine odours is greater than the number of people who actually hook up.<br /><br /><i>Tienen and the Hageland</i><br /><br />The Tienen area is Belgium’s most well-known wine region. The vineyards from the Hageland have such sour produce that kilograms of sugar have to be added to make its wines suitable for consumption. Tienen’s flourishing sugar industry has spawned many imitators, such as Sierra Leone, Liberia and Haïti.<br /><br /><b>Risking lives in Brussels</b><br /><br />Every day, many Flemish Brabantians risk their lives to go into Brussels, spend 8 hours at a desk and then go home, without ever checking their prejudices. Pictured: frightened civil servant. Civil servants then regale their scared children with tales of great courage, like how they once saw a beggar look at them strangely, or how they were sure those crafty Moroccan boys were discussing their next gang rape in unintelligible Arabic.<br /><br />Other Brabantians work in academia, either until they die, drop out out of exhaustion, or die from exhaustion. Flemish Brabant is also home to smug self-made men who are literally experts at everything from cars to building houses to politics and to gratifying oral sex.<br /><br /><b>Entertainment for idiots and grannies</b><br /><br />Vilvoorde is the locus of Flanders’ more commercial television entertainment. Television station VTM has done more to make old people frightened of statistically very unlikely crimes than anyone ever could. Pictured: terrifying the shit out of your granny.<br /><br />Another great pastime is the rivalry of the Catholic University of Louvain with its liberal counterpart in Ghent to see who can produce the greatest intellectual lightweights. Former Louvain rector Rik Torfs currently holds the candle, but up and coming fedora slinger Maarten Boudry from Ghent is sure to be a tough challenger.</div>
Anton Voloshinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02975731085496119073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012138227361813864.post-91147839143277306612018-11-28T23:28:00.002+01:002018-11-28T23:28:41.022+01:00State of Failure: Limburg<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b>Introduction </b><br /><br />Limburg’s inhabitants are proud of their province, mostly because they never set a foot outside of it. Gently, they hum their exotic dialects and live on the rhythm of nature itself. Is Limburg truly the most convivial province of the country? Bullshit from a tourist folder.<br /><br />Whoever makes the effort to decipher their unusual phonemes will discover just as much venom, self-satisfaction and envy as the rest of Belgium. Many a visitor has been mistaken in the conspiratorial stubbornness of the Limburgers.<br /><br /><b>Important facts</b><br /><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Ywu0uhYsgqI/W_8LEZI4kWI/AAAAAAAAAcw/AsZso45cJfE9-JgJlVq24iqU5q_PIQP2QCEwYBhgL/s1600/9a.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="493" data-original-width="586" height="336" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Ywu0uhYsgqI/W_8LEZI4kWI/AAAAAAAAAcw/AsZso45cJfE9-JgJlVq24iqU5q_PIQP2QCEwYBhgL/s400/9a.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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Limburg is the least-populated province of Flanders. Those who could escape it, have long left, upholding a grand tradition of marriage within the family in the province. Limburgers have the unfortunate reputation of being slow in terms of speech. That is so they can even more menacingly, slowly eviscerate you with words.<br /><br />There’s only one worse place than Limburg, and that’s the adjacent Dutch province, also called Limburg, which produced notorious racist shithead Geert Wilders – and it’s all the way downhill from there for the Netherlands.</div>
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<br /><b>Belgium’s grain gin silo</b><br /><br />By and large, many forests still remain in Limburg, which has given it sizable populations of deer, wild boars and wolves. Opglabbeek’s nature centre is one of Belgium’s best fine dining places for game. Southern Limburg is more suitable for agriculture, mostly fruit and grain. No less than 96.6% of all national gin deposits lie stored in Limburg, making the province an important military asset.<br /><br /><b>The story of Petrus Limberger</b><br /><br />Limburg was discovered in 1745 by Petrus Lemberger, who lost track of time on the Antwerp Ring Causeway and was looking for a faster route to Cologne. The area was christened from the early 19th century onwards, but the original religion retained many vestiges in the culture, which is known now today as “the Limburg Feeling”, a kind of modern animism.<br /><br />The province began to drastically change when coal deposits were discovered around 1850. Roads and canals were constructed and hordes of foreign miners were imported. The art of book printing was re-invented, and Limburg got its own newspaper in 1871.<br /><br />Yet, it would take more than a century, after bitter legal battles, for Limburg to get its own university. At long last, the traffic jam to Brussels was introduced in 2007. Despite the stereotypes, Limburg has reached almost the same state of development as the rest of the country. Belgium has nothing to be ashamed about for its colonial period in Limburg.<br /><br /><b>To see and visit in Limburg</b><br /><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Jijr9DDO9do/W_8LFOb7fuI/AAAAAAAAAcc/nCBhWAP2ZHEky5qFJcq7aq7dflb9W5ulQCEwYBhgL/s1600/9d.PNG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Jijr9DDO9do/W_8LFOb7fuI/AAAAAAAAAcc/nCBhWAP2ZHEky5qFJcq7aq7dflb9W5ulQCEwYBhgL/s640/9d.PNG" width="640" /></a> </div>
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<i>Bokrijk</i><br /><br />Authenticity, liveability and a gushing spirit: the capital of Bokrijk has it all. Local crafts and techniques have been passed on for centuries here, and in terms of architecture and nightlife, Bokrijk can compete with the best provincial capitals of Belgium.<br /><br /><i>Hasselt</i><br /><br />The open-air museum of Hasselt has been made so that people can imagine themselves back in the Middle Ages. The city is ruled according to ancient feudal traditions, and motorized vehicles are forbidden in the city. Quiet Hasselt briefly did make the world news, when a hurricane blew the profits of local festival Pukkelpop up in the air.<br /><br /><i>Genk</i><br /><br />Of equal world fame is the nationality museum of Genk, which houses 90 different foreign couples. The museum is especially proud of its couple of Bhutanese, which with it participates in an international breeding scheme.<br /><br /><i>The Maasland</i><br /><br />The inhabitants of the Maasland still live off of the river: tourists who want to get tipsy for the afternoon. The Meuse river is a perfect example of a closed ecosystem: once a year, it floods, changing the surrounding sandflats into fertile soil, so that the Maaslanders can plant sufficient gin berries for the following tourist season.<br /><br /><i>Tongeren and Haspengauw</i><br /><br />In Tongeren, you can find the statue of Ambiorix, the king of the Eburons. From there, visitors can discover lovely Haspengouw. De fruit orchards there were planted in 2008 as part of a fiction drama, but they remained there because, ah, who cares.<br /><br /><i>Voeren</i><br /><br />Who now looks at the picturesque landscape of Voeren can barely imagine the bloody Battle of Voeren took place just a few decades ago. Here, the 8-man army of the Flemish Militant Order chased out the 6 militia members of Back to Liège, and restored order. But the smallest spark can light the fuse once more.<br /><br /><b>Unemployment and sexual predation</b><br /><br /><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-soB7Eq26i5g/W_8LEyOMf4I/AAAAAAAAAcY/mA22AnfFD8IkGvX_wSfXnMUs-cqBdYhKACEwYBhgL/s1600/9c.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="319" data-original-width="582" height="348" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-soB7Eq26i5g/W_8LEyOMf4I/AAAAAAAAAcY/mA22AnfFD8IkGvX_wSfXnMUs-cqBdYhKACEwYBhgL/s640/9c.png" width="640" /></a> </div>
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The post-industrial downturns of the ‘70s and beyond hit Limburg hard. First, the mines closed, later the car plants went, and then their most beloved celebrities from the ‘90s turned out to be sex offenders. <br /><br />But Limburg is also home to the world’s only Christian democratic superhero, Wouter Beke, whose superpower is being the colourless bitch boy for political bullies. His sidekick, Jo Vandeurzen, is a lovable but sad dog.<br /><br /><b>Techno and Italians</b><br /><br />Another economic glimmer of hope for Limburg is its entertainment industry. Pictured: Regi Penxten, famed dance producer.<br /><br />‘90s Eurodance titan Pat Crimson is CEO of an airline straight to Ibiza and founder of a few Russian language schools. Other dance prodigy Regi Penxten employs 500 dentists, and techno legend Praga Khan keeps afloat several embalming companies.<br /><br />Having a sizeable Italian community, this means Limburgers also get to enjoy top-quality Italian food, music and the occasional drug deal gone fatal.</div>
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<br />Anton Voloshinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02975731085496119073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012138227361813864.post-90311691837781553812018-11-28T23:24:00.000+01:002018-11-28T23:24:01.889+01:00State of Failure: Antwerp<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b>Introduction</b><br />Antwerp is the name of the province’s capital, so it was decided that in 1830, no effort would be made to come up with separate name for the province. Because of their smallness, areas outside of the City have proven useful as a place of exile to remove undesirables from civilized society. These include vagrants (Wortel), criminals (Merksplas), the insane (Geel), the Dutch (Brasschaat) and yodeling cowboys (Kasterlee).<br /><br /><b>Important facts</b></div>
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Although Flanders’ official capital is Brussels, Brussels is actually not part of the Flemish Community. Anyone worth their salt knows that Antwerp the City is Flanders’ true capital. The province is also famous for its so-called Anal Triangle between the towns of Kontich (‘Buttick’), Aartselaar (‘Arselar’) and Reet (‘Ass’). The first Gay Pride parades surreptitiously moved between these towns until homosexuals were no longer incarcerated and the parade moved to Antwerp proper.<br /><br />The most important monument in the entire province is the force-field around its God-Emperor Bart De Wever, which is able to repel all criticism, deflect all blame and makes journalists forget their critical questions in a 5km radius.<br /><br />Many important Flemish comedians come from this province. The Kempen especially seem to be a fertile breeding ground for comedy, given that nothing else but dry grass and foetal alcohol syndrome can take root there.</div>
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<br /><br /><b>Black gold and diamond</b><br /><br />Antwerp is the centre of the universe. Only the rest of the universe hasn’t caught up on that, and this creates some frictions. Foreigners that settle in the province all too often refuse to maintain a submissive attitude vis à vis the superior Antwerpians.<br /><br />It is no surprise then, that both Vlaams Belang and N-VA consistently score best in Antwerp, probably because it’s the only Flemish province that doesn’t border Wallonia and, as such, can afford itself a highly stereotypical view of Walloons.</div>
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<br /><b>Tossing hands</b><br /><br />Characteristic of the Antwerp dialect is that it doesn’t require subtitles on television because everyone understands it. It is barely any different than Standard Dutch, save for a few charming affectations.<br /><br />Antwerp’s name comes from ‘Hand werpen’ (‘Tossing a hand’), a reference to the stereotypical limp wrist associated with the province’s powerful fashion industry. Unsurprisingly, the statue on Antwerp’s Grand Place is Brabo, a famed dandy who taught people how to loosely wave with their hands.<br /><br /><b>To see and visit in Antwerp</b><br /><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LtOsOvuLFEA/W_8LDdxNfjI/AAAAAAAAAcg/eGczInRCT5UsbHMlWblBszVycSeuBIqcACEwYBhgL/s1600/8d.PNG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="360" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LtOsOvuLFEA/W_8LDdxNfjI/AAAAAAAAAcg/eGczInRCT5UsbHMlWblBszVycSeuBIqcACEwYBhgL/s640/8d.PNG" width="640" /></a><br /><i> </i></div>
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<i>Antwerp proper</i><br /><br />Antwerp is the capital of a boorish province and has the presence to match it. The city’s skyline is dominated by numerous plump, cubical towers, including the Farmers’ Tower, the MAS and the Oudaantoren. Antwerp is also world-famous because of its very own form of progressive, multi-cultural apartheid.<br /><br />In hip quarters like St-Andries, Zurenborg and Borgerhout, white people and other cultures peacefully live side-by-side without ever getting in touch. They each have their own entertainment venues (the Roma and the mosque), own means of transportation (cargo bikes and BMWs) and their own schools (living schools and local schools). Park Spoor-Noord is even split in a white part (with hip bars and cool wine) and a brown part (with grass burnt by the seething sun), separated by deep water.<br /><br />The port of Antwerp is an autonomous free trade state where no one pays taxes (no one lives there since the ‘60s anyway). The port proudly claims its wide range of second places: it is second to Rotterdam as Europe’s largest cargo port, second to Calais as focal point of illegal immigration, and second to Ostend as a questionable construct with government money. <br /><br />It also recently lost out on the most useless bridge in the world – a bridge built next to a river.<br /><br /><i>Mechelen</i><br /><br />Mechelen once was the capital of the Burgundian Netherlands, residence of powerful rulers such as Charles the Bold and Margaret of Austria. Today, Mechelen has to content itself with court jester Bart Somers.<br /><br />Mr. Somers is also responsible for the high degree of unemployment in Mechelen: instead of hiring civil servants, as a proud liberal, Mr. Somers does everything himself. Mechelen’s toy museum even displays a whole range of string dolls with the mayor’s likeness, and soundbytes from liberal bigwigs if you pull their strings.<br /><br /><i>Small Brabant</i><br /><br />In the province’s southwest is Small Brabant, a protected reserve for eels, asparagus and George Clooney lookalikes. You can reach it only with one iron drawing bridge. The alternative is a 100km-trek across a wildlife track, also known as the Death Trek.<br /><br /><i>The Kempen</i><br /><br />What remains of the province is boring and monotonous even to Belgian standards. The Kempen are an area of small peasants, buck riders and pharmacists. Sometimes, on sunny weekends, city folk come to visit to search for some boredom in their exciting lives. The Kempish natives then try to chase away the strangers by burning down entire stretches of heath.<br /><br /><b>Enjoy coke!</b><br /><br />The province of Antwerp consists of four types of workers: white people, immigrants who come to steal your jobs, immigrants who come to live on welfare, and unemployed white people who complain about all the others. <br /><br />The narcotics trade is also big in Antwerp, but the Antwerpian has a discerning taste: much cocaine ends up in the sewer water. The police is always on hand to ascertain the quality of the stuff if they aren’t beating up people because they looked at them funny.<br /><br />In addition, the card and duffel bag industry are big in the eastern part of the province. The cards create games that get people drunk, and the duffel bags are put over people’s heads if they are really too ugly to have sex with.<br /><br /><b>Racial stereotyping for the kids</b><br /><br />Late November, St-Nicholas arrives by boat in Antwerp, an event eagerly anticipated by thousands of children, their parents, grandparents and a few racists who are adamant St-Nick’s little helper is not a racist caricature. Of course, Black Pete is black because of all the soot in chimneys. That’s why Black Pete also has an afro wig and comically inflated red lips.<br /><br />But traditions change: in the past, children were treated with physical abuse and kidnapping if they wouldn’t behave before St-Nicholas and it was completely normal for kids to climb up a lap of an old dude dressed up like a seedy bishop.<br /><br />Many Flemish cities and towns have opted to give Black Pete just a few touches of soot and ditch the racial stereotype. Not all people who complain about this are racists, but all racists do complain about this.</div>
Anton Voloshinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02975731085496119073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012138227361813864.post-44284547387481609792018-11-28T23:20:00.001+01:002018-11-28T23:20:18.450+01:00State of Failure: East-Flanders<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b>Introduction</b><br />
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Apart from its cities, East-Flanders is Belgium’s blandest province. East-Flanders has the ugliest flag, the most grating dialects, the ugliest houses and the greyest concrete in all of Flanders. These achievements are all the more noteworthy because they were made without the Christian democrats.<br /><br />East-Flemings don’t have a sense of togetherness. Primarily, an East-Fleming is most at ease with their own absolute mediocrity.<br />
<b>Important facts</b></div>
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East-Flemings can be made to turn against each other very easily because they are constantly at each other’s throats. You can make yourself friends anywhere by complaining about how rude, low-class or arrogant people from the neighbouring town are. Don’t try to tell them you love their town or area, because this will make you suspect. After all, East-Flemings are very acutely aware of the fact their region amounts to little and less.<br /><br />The original Manneken Pis is actually located in East-Flanders, in the town of Grammont. The Brussels’ version is more famous, allegedly because it is “more shapely, more alluring” (source: Priests Weekly). At the end of July, the Ghentish Feasts take place. This ten day religious festival culminates in the high priest (the so-called ‘Pierke Pierlala’) sacrificing a baby to Jacob Van Artevelde. During the Feasts, normal and sober behaviour is punished severely.<br /><br />The ‘Just Judges’ were a pair of reform-minded magistrates that disappeared in Ghent in 1934 after the Evening Mass. Their disappearance and probable death has never been explained.</div>
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<b>A second Ganges River</b></div>
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<br />As a very urbanized province, only little nature remains in East-Flanders. This is why rich environmentalists have built huge villas in the middle of nature areas to wall off what little greenery remains to discourage people from polluting it.<br /><br />As it is, the province is a sprawling jungle of bric-a-brac buildings, driveways, turnkey houses, fixer-uppers and industrial zones that harbour a diverse culture of embezzling landlords, architects and bankers. The two principal rivers of the province are the Lys and the Scheldt, both of which are so polluted that Hindus have expressed their interest in buying them, should the Ganges ever dry up.<br /><br /><b>Trolling the emperor</b><br /><br />In the Middle Ages, East-Flanders was part of the County of Flanders, and Ghent was its capital. Because they kept being embarrassed by their underdeveloped, genocidal and maniacal cousins from West-Flanders, the East-Flemings decided to strike out on their own.<br /><br />In 1500, later Emperor Charles V was born in Ghent, which he left as soon as he could. The province honoured him by later rebelling against him and failing at it in highly traditional fashion.<br /><br />For centuries, the textile industry was the most important employer in the province, which helps explain why East-Flemings are still a bunch of damp rags today.<br />
<b>To see and visit in East-Flanders</b></div>
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<i>Ghent</i><br /><br />For centuries, Ghent has been mired in delusions about its own coolness. The famed Ghentish stubbornness is nothing more than a cry for attention from richer, bigger and hipper cities like Antwerp or London. Also of note is the Ghentish city dialect – because Ghentians found the local patois ugly and boorish, they invented a city dialect that was even more ugly and boorish.<br /><br />One of Ghent’s most famous monuments is the Jacob Van Artevelde statue, which has been bringing the Hitler Salute for centuries.<br /><br /><i>Aalst and Dendermonde</i><br /><br />What once started as a camp for lepers and imbeciles in the Middle Ages eventually grew into two rival cities, Aalst and Dendermonde. Both cities are always fiercely competing with each other who can be the best at being low-class. Aalst has the slight edge: movies like ‘Daens’ and ‘The alasness of life’ brought typical Dender child abuse to the attention of a broader Flemish audience.<br /><br /><i>The Flemish Ardennes</i><br /><br />In the Flemish Ardennes, you can get a foretaste of the unique atmosphere of Hainaut across the language border. Just like its Hainautois counterparts, the city of Ronse has a unique mix of decay, immigration issues and dilapidated industry, while the surrounding Crooland features nepotism as its most important political ideology.<br /><br /><i>The Meetjesland</i><br /><br />Central to the Meetjesland is the Cremlin, the fortified castle whose occupants, the de Crem family, have ruled the area with a harsh but just hand for generations. The Meetjesland was included in the Guinness Book of World Records for featuring no event of any significance in the past 400 years.<br /><br /><i>The Waasland</i><br /><br />The Waasland is an old bone of contention between Antwerp and East-Flanders. East-Flanders says it’s an illegal expansion of Antwerp’s Left Bank and Antwerp has to demolish it, while Antwerp claims it’s a parking lot squatted by homeless East-Flemings.<br />
<b>Deskjockeying into oblivion</b><br />
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An abnormal amount of East-Flemings does some vague “desk job”. Other popular jobs are “something with computers” and “working for the media.” It’s better not to ask further questions, or there’s a chance you’re in for an endless monologue on terrible bosses, extra-legal compensation packages and work procedures. In addition, the East-Fleming always knows better than you, even if they claim they don’t – this is a trap to later accuse you of arrogance. Among the working class, especially in the Sea Canal area, the usual means of communication is the famed old dirty joke.<br />
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<b>Vomit and regret</b><br />
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A few times a year, East-Flemings can let their hair down. Whether on Aalst Carnival, the Ghentish Feasts, the Lokeren Feasts or baron de Croo’s court day, everyone gets filled up with beer. Pictured: ‘De Zes Heemskinderen’ on the traditional RuBeiaard’s Drag Race. The day after, the gutters traditionally fill up with vomit and regret. Sometimes, they will also result in weddings or divorces.<br /><br />List of best costumes at Aalst Carnival:<br /><br />2008 Benny Debletere as self-immolating Tibetan monk<br />2009 Vicky Verpletst as a kebab with massive amounts of garlic sauce<br />2010 Jolien Ackermans as the entire cast of ‘Crime and Punishment’<br />2011 Hamdi Yanik as a Flemish nationalist<br />2012 Marijke Slempers as a benign tumor<br />2013 Pierre Deroover as a pack of fries with vomit on it<br />2014 Annelien Quaghebuer as a landmine (posthumously)<br />2015 ‘Fat’ Jo Verbist as a supermodel on a catwalk<br />2016 Pierre Deroover as a highly mutated, irradiated pack of fries with vomit on it<br />2017 Sven Van Den Bulcke as an allegory for Dendermonde<br />2018 Aleksandra Kuznetsova as father and daughter Skripal <br /></div>
Anton Voloshinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02975731085496119073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012138227361813864.post-84800022380178688732018-11-28T23:14:00.002+01:002018-11-28T23:14:06.831+01:00State of Failure: West-Flanders<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9GeROpMiIvs/W_8K9uGAntI/AAAAAAAAAcU/x-2x5YpDKEsrirTiykQE3hWdp3pJZ-DCACEwYBhgL/s1600/6.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="129" data-original-width="767" height="106" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9GeROpMiIvs/W_8K9uGAntI/AAAAAAAAAcU/x-2x5YpDKEsrirTiykQE3hWdp3pJZ-DCACEwYBhgL/s640/6.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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<b>Introduction</b><br /><br />Without a doubt, West-Flanders is the country’s most Catholic province. This is proven by the countless amount of Blood- and Penal Processions, the above-average number of known sex offenders and the timeless hegemony of the Christian democrats in its hinterland. Truly, West-Flanders is a hypocrite’s paradise. <br /><br />But beneath this thick veneer of passive-aggressive wallowing in self-pity, there rests a nature that wants nothing more than to be suppressed and forced to hard labour.<br /><br /><b>Important facts</b></div>
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<br />The ‘IJzertoren’ or ‘Iron Tower’ is West-Flanders’ most important monument. It is a pilgrimage target for many Flemish iron- and scrap mongers. Because the stingy Diksmuidians made the tower out of stone rather than metal \m/, they make every effort to get the pilgrims as drunk as possible before they reach the tower.<br /><br />Key date in history: on July 12, 1302, West-Flemish farmers got stuck in the mud after defeating the French, and the ensuing victory
feast became the first edition of the Dranouter folk festival.<br /><br />Important tip: when in West-Flanders, don’t speak the Antwerp dialect. West-Flemings haven’t forgotten that they are illiterate thanks to those people from Antwerp. Those who manage to learn how to read and write usually leave the province for Ghent.<br /><br />For many rosy-cheeked peasant sons and daughters, Ghent is usually the place of their first sexual experiences outside of church, usually with some questionable Ghentish ruffian who seeks to convert them to the cause of socialism.</div>
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<b>Genocide</b><br /><br />Hard labour and innovation make West-Flemings great inventors. One of their most renowned inventions is genocide. This was first put to use on May 18, 1302, during the Bruges Matins. The discoverers of genocide are still being honoured with statues on the Grand Place of Bruges.<br /><br />Subsequently, genocide technology was perfected during later conflicts, until its blueprints were stolen by the Germans during WW1 to lay the foundations of the Third Reich. Nowadays, these technologies and techniques are still being used in the West-Flemish meat industry.<br /><br /><b>Flanders’ Fields</b><br /><br />Between 1914 and 1918, West-Flanders was the theatre of the largest war tragedy Flanders has ever known. Thousands of Flemish soldiers met their end because of communication problems between Flemings and their francophone compatriots.<br /><br />To blame were the entrepreneurs Lernaut and Hauspie, who, instead of making translation flags, had been secretly enriching themselves. After the war, the ruins of Flanders Language Valley have been kept in their desolate state, as a silent witness to the horrors of free entrepreneurship.<br /><br /><b>To see and visit in West-Flanders</b></div>
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<br /><i><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-J-WkBELBJew/W_8K_IBq8kI/AAAAAAAAAcg/TBQrKsVaZmgfIcIlNlry-Oyt_MgjKYrTwCEwYBhgL/s1600/6d.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1145" height="402" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-J-WkBELBJew/W_8K_IBq8kI/AAAAAAAAAcg/TBQrKsVaZmgfIcIlNlry-Oyt_MgjKYrTwCEwYBhgL/s640/6d.png" width="640" /></a> </i></div>
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<i>Bruges</i><br /><br />Belgium’s biggest theme park is Bruges. It was founded on the ruins of a Mediaeval port town by UNESCO in 2000. Bruges is mainly visited by Japanese tourists and young couples who don’t notice the terrible blandness of the park through their rose-tinted glasses. Bruges’ most exciting attraction is snapping wedding photos in the presence of dissatisfied, fat swans rousting about.<br /><br /><i>The Belgian Coast</i><br /><br />For many centuries, the coastline was a swampy area where only scattered communities of shrimp fishers dared live on the arid sand dunes. However, during WW2, the coastline was reshaped into a wall of concrete bunkers by the Germans. The bunkers were converted into apartment buildings and lofts after the War. The most important post-War battle at the coast was the conflict between local hotel owners and putative weather forecasters from Brussels.<br /><br /><i>Ostend</i><br /><br />Ostend is known as the Queen of Seaside Towns, because it has become as irrelevant as Queen Paola and as dead as Queen Fabiola, ever since its ferry companies went bankrupt. This seaside resort is a favourite destination of British tourists, however, who feel at ease within Ostend’s easily recognizable, grim and grey patrimony.<br /><br /><i>The ‘West Corner’</i><br /><br />The ‘West Corner’ is the most dangerous agrarian area of Belgium. Annually, dozens of farmers lose a limb to century-old left-behind bombs from WW1, or they break their back by driving into a hidden trench. In the town of Ypres, fallen farmers are commemorated every day by playing the ‘Last Post’ under the Menen Gate and throwing down farm cats from its belfry tower as a sacrifice.<br /><br /><i>Courtrai</i><br /><br />Courtrai is mostly known as a place where tourists on the way to France want to leave as fast as possible. Loyal to their capitalist trading roots, Courtraians try to monetize everything that moves, which has resulted in gaudy wealth to bloom here. Courtrai is sometimes called the ‘Dallas on the Lys’, which is unfair, because Texans are known for their generous contributions to charities.<br /><br />The wild interior of West-Flanders has not been fully charted yet. Discoverers report several uncontacted tribes, which include wild ‘flaming ants’ that still need to be civilized. Several Walloon missionaries have entered these areas, only never to return.<br /><br /><b>Working 5 to 5</b><br /><br /> <a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-RJzDy0nx2eE/W_8K-j-a1EI/AAAAAAAAAcg/mEV6fOAtosIx7DSgc0KmXl2wSBcwloKQwCEwYBhgL/s1600/6c.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="313" data-original-width="484" height="257" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-RJzDy0nx2eE/W_8K-j-a1EI/AAAAAAAAAcg/mEV6fOAtosIx7DSgc0KmXl2wSBcwloKQwCEwYBhgL/s400/6c.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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West-Flemings are honest people with a strict labour ethos. A working day from 5am to 5pm is completely normal, whether you’re a farmer or the CEO of an SME. These working hours need to be respected, and in turn West-Flemings will respect everyone who demonstrates they want to overdose on work at a meagre wage. Learning West-Flemish is a must for everyone who works there, from street cleaners to managers.<br /><br /><b>Mass and fight</b><br /><br />Sports take the cake in entertainment. Whether football, cycling, darts or hunting down French people, nearly all West-Flemings have joined a sports bar.<br /><br />On Sunday mornings, there is the Mass, which is often joined by a local carnival where you can punch the local retard for €1, or test your mettle against sturdy peasant sons. In cities, this tradition has been replaced by mass brawls near football stadiums.<br /><br />In the coastal towns, it is advised not to leave the tourist bunkers after sundown, as local people in bars will often react with hostility to visitors who still have a full set of teeth.</div>
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<br />Anton Voloshinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02975731085496119073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012138227361813864.post-4572092568495166192018-11-28T23:06:00.004+01:002018-11-28T23:06:56.120+01:00State of Failure: Splorts<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Belgians are mostly world champions in sports that enjoy almost no international recognition, such as pigeon sport, three-cushioning and field cycling.<br /><br />Yet, there are some achievements by Belgian sport professionals that have been etched into the collective national memory:<br /><br /><b>The interbellum giants</b>: at the Antwerp Summer Olympics (1920), Belgian athletes achieve 36 gold medals, all in archery and clay pigeon shooting. All winners were former military police and army officers who had had ample opportunities to practice their trade in the trenches and on striking miners.<br /><br /><b>The cycling emperors Rik I and II</b>: after WW2, Rik I Van Steenbergen rules cycling with an iron fist. Rik II Van Looy then becomes an especially cruel and pitiless tyrant, who, by his own admission, wanted “to kill everything in sight”. The Rik dynasty only abdicates when Rik I is caught playing a role in a porno movie in 1968.<br /><br /><b>Steeple chasing</b>: during a police control in 1963, liquor salesman Gaston Roelants wants to prove his produce has no influence on athletic achievements and reaction time. He puts on a pair of running shoes and 9 minutes later, covers a 3km distance with hurdles and water puddles. A legend is born.<br /><br /><b>Rivals forever</b>: Eddy Merckx and Roger De Vlaeminck. Merckx becomes an international cycling celebrity and wins pretty much everything there is to win on nothing but a diet of sandwiches. Roger De Vlaeminck would later rival this achievement, but then in womanizing.<br /><br /><b>The Silver Generation of Mexico ’86</b>: although Belgium came 4th in the FIFA World Cup, the country celebrates as though it has won the Cup because it had defeated the Netherlands.<br /><br /><b>The discovery of Jean-Michel Saive</b>: Saive discovers that pulling up his table tennis shorts to just under his armpits gives him a huge advantage, and thus humiliates millions of Chinese. The IOC rewards Saive for this achievement with a quadrennial ticket to the Olympics until he turns 82.<br /><br /><b>Big in Japan</b>: in the ‘80s, Judo men Robert Van De Walle and Ingmar Berghmans make major strides to international fame. Later, ultra-liberal Jean-Marie Dedecker cashes in on these spectacular achievements by training an entire generation of female bodyguards for Muammar Qaddafi. <br /><br /><b>God on la Redoute</b>: Frank Vandenbroucke goes stratospheric and wins Liège-Bastogne-Liège, just as he predicted. Everyone goes insane, most of all VDB himself. He soon takes over the Ministry of Education and shoots at his colleagues with a hunting rifle.<br /><br /><b>Tennis on the edge: JuJu vs Kim</b>. Young Kim Clijsters reaches the upper echelons of female tennis in the early ‘00s. As a consequence of Belgian ‘waffle iron’ politics, a Walloon player is guided to the top as well: Justine Hénin. Both women compete with one another in titanic battles, fired up by enflamed crowds of fans. Justine is now being kept alive artificially, whereas Kim is now quadriplegic and can’t eat on her own anymore.<br /><br /><b>The Golden Generation of ’18</b>: Belgium comes in 3rd in the 2018 FIFA World Cup in Russia, defeating Brazil and defeating England twice just for the sake of getting England to shut up about their faded glory.</div>
Anton Voloshinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02975731085496119073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012138227361813864.post-86595231205432688352018-11-28T23:05:00.000+01:002018-11-28T23:05:07.769+01:00State of Failure: the Land at Large (b)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-w3esqYZsb-s/W_8KyBJHjHI/AAAAAAAAAcc/vpVo4_esqvYT3u9wAuBklgtKtRcPmy3pwCEwYBhgL/s1600/4.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="114" data-original-width="757" height="96" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-w3esqYZsb-s/W_8KyBJHjHI/AAAAAAAAAcc/vpVo4_esqvYT3u9wAuBklgtKtRcPmy3pwCEwYBhgL/s640/4.png" width="640" /></a><b>Political structure</b><br /><br />Belgium is infamous for its many governments and administrative structures, because why do things the easy way if you can do them in the worst way possible? The federal government currently comprises a right-wing, two centre-right parties and a party of martyred Christians who have perfected the art of turning the other butt cheek time and again.<br /><br />Desperate to outdo the 500+ days without government and the immobilism under the Di Rupo administration, the Michel administration is doing everything it can to be a disaster in almost all policy areas.<br /><br />Meet our government:<br /></div>
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<li>Charles Michel (MR): PM and a character from the popular board game ‘Who is it?’</li>
<li>Jack Ham (N-VA): Minister of the Interior and Imaginary Dance Parties</li>
<li>Didier Reynders (MR): Minister of Foreign Affairs and ventriloquist doll for Big Finance</li>
<li>Kris Peeters (CD&V): Minister of Employment and Blandness</li>
<li>Alexander De Croo (Open Vld): Minister of Telecom and the 9th Earl of the Crooland</li>
<li>Denis Ducarme (MR): Minister of the Middle Class, who has steadily been melting away into a puddle</li>
<li>Sophie Wilmès (MR): Minister of Budget, currently resides in a shantytown with no electricity</li>
<li>Marie-Christine Marghem (MR): Minister of Burn-Outs</li>
<li>François Bellot (MR): Minister of Immobility and Endless Traffic Jams</li>
<li>Daniel Bacquelaine (MR): Minister of Old People and Benefits for MPs</li>
<li>Steven Vandeput (N-VA): Minister of Defence – also illiterate, thus unable to read reports</li>
<li>Johan Van Overtvelt (N-VA): Minister of Fraud – can’t do basic math </li>
<li>Koen Geens (CD&V): High Priest of Justice, regularly defuses tension with his Christian demureness</li>
<li>Maggie De Ronde (Open Vld): Minister of Health</li>
<li>Theo Francken (N-VA): Secretary against Migration, noted for his absence of eyebrows and scruples</li>
<li>Zuhal Demir (N-VA): Secretary against Equal Rights</li>
<li>Pieter De Crem (CD&V): Secretary for Foreign Dining</li>
<li>Philippe De Backer (Open Vld): Secretary of Privacy, the North Sea and Peepshows</li>
<li>Darth De Wever (N-VA): The government’s mother-in-law, Sith Lord and Antwerp’s God-Emperor</li>
<li>Pol Van Den Driessche (N-VA): The government’s creepy uncle</li>
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The government of Flanders and the Dutch-speaking Community are led by MinPres Geert Burgerman (N-VA), the first wax statue to ever rise to this position in the region. Wallonia’s MinPres is Willy Borsus (MR), a fiscal construct that thrives in darkness. Wallonia’s rule also extends to the East Cantons.<br /><br />The German-speaking Community’s MinPres is Oliver Paasch (PRO.DG), a person no one gives a particular shit about and who holds so little power he even has to ask Borsus permission to visit the toilet.<br /><br />Brussels’ MinPres is Rudi Vervoort (PS), one of the less corrupt politicians from the PS and thus hated by most people in his own party. Furthermore, Flanders/Dutch-speaking Community as well as the French-speaking Community each hold a stake in the Brussels government as well, parachuting incompetent imbeciles into admin jobs by way of social employment.<br /><br />To combat other forms of unemployment, a position for MinPres of the French-speaking Community was co-created by Wallonia and Brussels, and this is Rudy the Moth (PS), a giant insect with a receding hairline.<br /><br /><b>Cuisine and food</b><br /><br />In terms of cuisine, Belgium enjoys worldwide renown. Most of its food stuffs originated as food for poor people – fries, mussels, battered fish, cold stew and several fruit syrups. It is often said that Belgian cuisine offers French quality in German quantities. This is probably true, judging by the prevalence of obese middle-aged and old people to whom restaurant visits are observed with religious zeal.<br /><br />“Staying together for the kids” is American, “staying together to complain about bad food and service” is 100% Belgian.<br /><br />Every town quarter in Belgium – and in its neighbouring cities – has at least one frietkot/friterie. In these places, class, race, language, age and gender don’t matter. Everyone is there for their love of fries. While the death penalty doesn’t exist in Belgium, people who don’t like frites are shunned by civilized society. More and more, traditional frietkoten/friteries are hosted by immigrant Chinese, Turkish or Moroccan people. Belgians absolutely do not mind as long as the quality of their products is good.<br /><br />While Belgians may be racist from time to time, they are not racist when it comes down to foreign cuisines. Thai, American, Chinese, Turkish, Irish, Hungarian, Moroccan, Indian, Mexican, Indonesian, Swedish, Italian, Greek, Spanish and Japanese food have all found broad acceptance in Belgium.<br /><br />The only exception is Dutch cuisine, which is universally regarded as a crime against humanity. Flemings and Walloons are unified in this particular kind of distaste, which ensures that Belgium will never split up and Flanders would never, ever join the Netherlands. Sorry Geert.<br /><br />Belgium is a beer country. This tradition originated from monks and peasants who wanted to forget the misery of being ruled by foreign powers. Nowadays, many Belgians also drink wine or spirits, but the goal remains the same: to forget one’s own deplorable life condition, working for some faceless multinational company or having no prospect on a life partner beyond the truly desperate.</div>
Anton Voloshinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02975731085496119073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012138227361813864.post-63015387235578727522018-11-28T23:03:00.003+01:002018-11-28T23:03:47.101+01:00State of Failure: the Land at Large (a)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-w3esqYZsb-s/W_8KyBJHjHI/AAAAAAAAAcc/vpVo4_esqvYT3u9wAuBklgtKtRcPmy3pwCEwYBhgL/s1600/4.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="114" data-original-width="757" height="96" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-w3esqYZsb-s/W_8KyBJHjHI/AAAAAAAAAcc/vpVo4_esqvYT3u9wAuBklgtKtRcPmy3pwCEwYBhgL/s640/4.png" width="640" /></a>Belgium is a land of opposites, and those frequently lead to political tensions. However, a scenario such as what happened to Yugoslavia in the ‘90s is unlikely.</div>
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One: Flemings are too cowardly and fat to fight. Two: Walloons are too lazy. Three: Bruxellois are understood and acknowledged by no one. Four: the Eastern Cantons wouldn’t even be allowed to fight, because if German speakers get involved, where’s the fun in having a war?<br />
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Flanders and Wallonia share co-guardianship over their little boy, Brussels, which cannot live on his own due to his severe physical deformities. Despite this, Brussels brings in a lot of money for the estranged couple, due to its cabaret work on international fairs and events.<br />
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<b>Flanders</b></div>
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Belgium’s north, more or less Flanders, is low-lying. Several important rivers cross the Flemish fields and faint hills, such as the Scheldt, the Lys, the Gete, the Nete and the Money River to Wallonia. Flanders’ climate is temperate due to the Gulf Stream that rolls past its coast-line, but it is also unpredictable enough so that Flemings always have something to complain about.<br />
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Flanders’ soil makes it an excellent choice to grow liquid fertilizer and self-contentedness. More and more, however, conurbations are taking over the natural landscape. The capital of Flanders is Zuregem, and its national fruit is a lemon. Its heraldic animal is a black lion with well-polished red nails, flowing hair and a naughty tongue, shown on a field of gold.<br />
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<b>Wallonia</b></div>
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Belgium’s south, which more or less corresponds to Wallonia, is more hilly and forested, because the Walloons think getting rid of superfluous growths is a sign of submission to patriarchal capitalism.<br />
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Rivers such as the Ourthe, the Samber, the Lesse and the Meuse have a great deal of kayakers and tourists aimlessly drifting around, who the Walloons are happy to supply to their rivers every year. Western Wallonia has a dark, volcanic landscape, the east regularly has rains of blood. It used to be a hotbed of coal industry, but today, it is mostly a hotbed of utter misery.<br />
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The capital of Wallonia is Bidonville, and its national fruit is the carapillar, an insect that thrives on cheap beer. Its heraldic animal is a rooster, because it’s the only animal that remains upbeat and sings atop a pile of shit.<br />
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<b>Our national character</b><br />
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Politically, Belgium is ruled by several dynasties that each have their own baronies and duchies. These include the Michel and Wathelet families from francophone Belgium, the House de Croo and de Crem from Flanders, and the all-encompassing House de Haene.<br />
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In as far as Belgian nationalism exists, Belgians prefer to call themselves modest, quiet and diplomatic. It’s a nice way of saying we’re a nation of weaklings and cowards. Belgians also love identifying with the victim role. It took until 1830 for other nations to glom onto the fact that those always-moaning, complaining and whining Belgians weren’t worth suppressing. “It seems like they are waiting to be humiliated and beaten here, so that they might complain,” a Dutch civil servant wrote in 1828.<br />
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<b><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sMIsQ6y0JOs/W_8K4HKEi2I/AAAAAAAAAcc/qkePkCdvVVAAYQkgk40PgVJlFD1NixngwCEwYBhgL/s1600/4i%2B-%2Bmoulesfrites.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="188" data-original-width="250" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sMIsQ6y0JOs/W_8K4HKEi2I/AAAAAAAAAcc/qkePkCdvVVAAYQkgk40PgVJlFD1NixngwCEwYBhgL/s1600/4i%2B-%2Bmoulesfrites.jpg" /></a></b></div>
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<b>Culture and music</b></div>
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Culturally speaking, the Burgundian legacy lives on in a numerous amount of pot bellies, dirty teeth, sausage fingers and fantastical photo material for proctologists. The Flemish Primitives were experts in painting salty, dissatisfied bourgeois, and surrealism was big in Belgium as a political current in the 20th century.<br />
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In international music competitions, Flanders and French-speaking Belgians have been locked in a tight conflict over who can send the most embarrassing candidate to the Eurovision Song Contest. The Queen Elisabeth contest is an annual highlight of music for autistic Koreans and severely in-bred Austrians to see who can do better at playing music no one listens to anymore.<br />
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Belgium counts as one of the pioneers in electronic music, first by making depression about looming nuclear annihilation somehow worthy to be danced to in black make-up with the likes of Front 242 and then inventing new beat as a way of getting drug addicts out of the gene pool much faster.<br />
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Current electronic dance music is a bastardized and walmarted version of the genres mostly invented by Belgian pill poppers. Growth in this sector is almost single-handedly realized by Yves Deruyter’s rebellious mass, which absorbs new DJs every year. With Dimitri Vegas and Like Mike, Belgium has finally also beaten the Netherlands in terms of suckage by defeating the suckage of DJ Tiësto.<br />
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Cross-over musicians 2ManyDJs, aka Soulwax, aka Samantha Fu aka The Sons of Digits and Letters are another noted duo. In rock music, dEUS are the country’s biggest egos. Even their leftovers and trash form bands of their own: from their discarded TVs (Channel Zero), digits (Triggerfinger), pets (Goose), genitalia (Revolting Cocks) and their faeces (Cocaine Piss).<br />
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Important rap musicians include a guy who’s pregnant and Baloji, a towering, glowering hunk of Liège syrup.<br />
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Flanders has another unique tradition: the schlager, which it shares with the German world. Schlager-singers are mostly good Catholic boys who look like 40-year-old children and sing the blandest, most aggressively inoffensive and dead-eyed songs loved by every Flemish grandma and a sizeably right-wing part of the electorate.<br />
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Toots Thielemans is a jazz icon who unfortunately passed away in 2016 at the age of 194, just on the tail of completing his 88th Very Last Tear-Jerker Tour. However, Belgium’s most beloved musician will always be the late Jacques Brel, who, despite being ugly as sin, managed to have seven families simultaneously, and spawned imitators like Frenchman Serge Gainsbourg in terms of lifestyle and Richard Nixon in terms of sweat production.<br />
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Another important thing in Belgium is comic books, called “strips” in Dutch and “bandes-dessinées” in French. Belgian comics have a penchant for featuring tween boys and girls solving crimes. In terms of literature, while the country has produced many excellent authors, its only Nobel Prize winner in this field was Maurice Maeterlinck, a French-speaking Belgian from Dutch-speaking Ghent.<br />
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<b>Love and sex</b><br />
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Sexually speaking, Belgium is progressive. This is largely owed to the fact that every family has an unmarried uncle who livens up family gatherings with inappropriate jokes and comments.<br />
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To Belgians, sex is just a thing of life and something that is occasionally very enjoyable, ranking just below good food and being able to call your awful house your own.<br />
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Few homosexuals are still closeted in Belgium. It was the world’s 2nd country to legalize gay marriage (in 2003). Later Prime Minister Elio Di Rupo would later go on to publicly marry gay celebrities Debby & Nancy.<br />
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Unfortunately, successive scandals of paedophile serial killers rocked the nation from the ‘90s through the ‘00s and ‘10s. This unjustly gave our nation an image of a paedo haven, even if inspectors like Maigret, Witse, Maes and the Luxembourg forest rangers do anything to catch them. <br />
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<br />Anton Voloshinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02975731085496119073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012138227361813864.post-85560582978568663182018-11-28T22:59:00.001+01:002018-11-28T22:59:28.714+01:00State of Failure: History<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hYdGrA8dtbs/W_8KiW5JZHI/AAAAAAAAAdE/9X9lK2l8GTQJrNLV5URjiKrrpURZkmLnwCEwYBhgL/s1600/3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="109" data-original-width="763" height="90" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hYdGrA8dtbs/W_8KiW5JZHI/AAAAAAAAAdE/9X9lK2l8GTQJrNLV5URjiKrrpURZkmLnwCEwYBhgL/s640/3.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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What now follows is an abridged history of Belgium. Check out this thread to learn a thing or two the LIBERAL MEDIA won’t tell you.</div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-EnmbUBBDMpQ/W_8KiYXH5SI/AAAAAAAAAck/46hhPHRzCiA9iFez0a7D_Uw-QAWOFBuGwCEwYBhgL/s1600/3a.%2BCaesar.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="431" data-original-width="763" height="180" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-EnmbUBBDMpQ/W_8KiYXH5SI/AAAAAAAAAck/46hhPHRzCiA9iFez0a7D_Uw-QAWOFBuGwCEwYBhgL/s320/3a.%2BCaesar.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>58BC</b>: Julius Caesar says the Belgae tribe are the bravest of all of Gaul, whereupon he promptly kills them all.<br /><br /><b>5th-7th century</b>: The Romans are largely driven out by the Franks. Clovis makes Tournai his capital, ushering in a 1,300 year period of urban decay.</div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-uu3Kyrk_AlE/W_8Kjf6hNOI/AAAAAAAAAck/ZtExXZTqDyEEqrlTlTAZQzYK6iMJmJ4KACEwYBhgL/s1600/3c.%2BBouillon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1500" data-original-width="1500" height="200" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-uu3Kyrk_AlE/W_8Kjf6hNOI/AAAAAAAAAck/ZtExXZTqDyEEqrlTlTAZQzYK6iMJmJ4KACEwYBhgL/s200/3c.%2BBouillon.jpg" width="200" /></a><b> </b></div>
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<b>1096-1100</b>: Gottfried of Bouillon invents a new way of chopping up the Saracens and tossing them into soup.</div>
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<b>12th-14th century</b>: Flemish cities experience a golden age thanks to the trade in lumpy frocks. Only the richest Mediaeval people have enough money for lumpy Flemish frocks.<br /><br /><b>1302</b>: Road-tripping French knights get stuck in a bog and get clobbered to death by Flemish peasant militias.<br /><br /><b> </b></div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-k3hFMQbAL_s/W_8KlI-ikoI/AAAAAAAAAc0/cT4m-l_Pem4TUmIiQCl-IreQRs62q59OwCEwYBhgL/s1600/3h.%2BAustrianNL.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="804" data-original-width="1200" height="214" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-k3hFMQbAL_s/W_8KlI-ikoI/AAAAAAAAAc0/cT4m-l_Pem4TUmIiQCl-IreQRs62q59OwCEwYBhgL/s320/3h.%2BAustrianNL.png" width="320" /></a><b>15th-16th century</b>: The Burgundians unite the Low Countries and are stuck with permanently jutting chins thanks to the many headaches these territories give them. They will pass these chins on to their successors, the Habsburgs.<br /><br /><b><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Cynh92Ec_Xg/W_8KlAX7nxI/AAAAAAAAAcY/HlSC2JkTDzsQqm2tca2Ia4SJL4X31RlgwCEwYBhgL/s1600/3i.%2BBoerenkrijg.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="165" data-original-width="220" height="240" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Cynh92Ec_Xg/W_8KlAX7nxI/AAAAAAAAAcY/HlSC2JkTDzsQqm2tca2Ia4SJL4X31RlgwCEwYBhgL/s320/3i.%2BBoerenkrijg.jpg" width="320" /></a>1585</b>: Antwerp surrenders to Spanish troops who enter the city through a makeshift bridge across the Scheldt river. Antwerpians have since developed an unreasonable fear of bridges.<br /><br /><b>17th-18th century</b>: After the 80 Years’ War, future Belgium first remains in Spanish hands, and then winds up as a possession of the Austrians, who have no clue what to do with this territory.<br /><br /><b>1798</b>: During the Farmers’ War, a handful of peasants tries to combat the French occupation forces by muttering and glowering in front of their fireplaces at night.<br /><br /><b><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DIRPNkrZmDg/W_8KlbGFCBI/AAAAAAAAAcw/JGK4ZJEe9d4mhN47Shwg1AyVtNJpE8ssACEwYBhgL/s1600/3j.%2BNapoleon.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="465" data-original-width="620" height="240" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DIRPNkrZmDg/W_8KlbGFCBI/AAAAAAAAAcw/JGK4ZJEe9d4mhN47Shwg1AyVtNJpE8ssACEwYBhgL/s320/3j.%2BNapoleon.jpg" width="320" /></a>1815</b>: Napoleon is defeated at Waterloo because he is unable to read the bilingual road signage.<br /><br /><b>1830</b>: At last, the Belgians manage to defeat another nation – they toss out the Dutch.<br /><b><br />1835</b>: The first continental train delay happens. The inaugural train ride between Mechelen and Brussels is two hours late because of cows on the tracks. The Belgian Railways minimize the incident and promptly ask for more money.<br /><br /><b>1884</b>: The Catholics win the ‘School Struggle’ against the Liberals after a decisive bout at 4pm behind the Church, out of the teachers’ sight.<br /><br /><b><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-y0pTCSTlMcc/W_8Km3AI3uI/AAAAAAAAAcY/3nsARMHsZOoYO8u3uvvLy0xVNVqle4ISwCEwYBhgL/s1600/3n.%2BCongo.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="179" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-y0pTCSTlMcc/W_8Km3AI3uI/AAAAAAAAAcY/3nsARMHsZOoYO8u3uvvLy0xVNVqle4ISwCEwYBhgL/s320/3n.%2BCongo.jpg" width="320" /></a>1889</b>: Congo learns all about Western civilization. The Congolese citizens would have applauded for so much Belgian generosity, were it not that their hands had been chopped off.<br /><br /><b>1908</b>: Leopold II dies and leaves behind a legacy as a perverted, cruel and fat man with a questionable taste in facial hair. He becomes a role model for many Belgians.<br /><br /><b>1914-1918</b>: Germany plants mines in Flanders’ fields as an agrarian experiment, while the Belgian army develops new irrigation techniques. The Germans return back home disappointed in 1918.<br /><br /><b>1940</b>: The Belgian army refuses to believe Germany will the exact same thing a second time. After 18 days, it is forced to revise this opinion.<br /><br /><b>1944</b>: Allied troops liberate Belgium from German occupation and liberate countless local girls of their virginity. <br /><br /><b><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-L78tmOzMDio/W_8KoVjqZvI/AAAAAAAAAcc/0hi0NxyIT2gsa_p9NO_b0wkC-B1lpr5YQCEwYBhgL/s1600/3s.%2BAsparagus.png" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="342" data-original-width="872" height="125" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-L78tmOzMDio/W_8KoVjqZvI/AAAAAAAAAcc/0hi0NxyIT2gsa_p9NO_b0wkC-B1lpr5YQCEwYBhgL/s320/3s.%2BAsparagus.png" width="320" /></a>1950</b>: A tense, heated debate on the king nearly leads to civil war. A typically Belgian compromise has Leopold III abdicate in favour of an asparagus.<br /><br /><b>1960</b>: Congo gains its independence. As a parting gift, Belgian mercenaries are allowed to murder Patrice Lumumba.<br /><br /><b>1962</b>: The language border becomes fixed. For laughs, it later turns out. Rwanda and Burundi become independent. Also for laughs, it later turns out.<br /><br /><b>1967</b>: A big bonfire in the ‘Innovation’ store in Brussels is the starting point of 40 years of visionary degeneration of the capital.<br /><br /><b>1978</b>: A difficult political reform turns post-modern when one stubborn MP keeps on yammering about rights for Klingon speakers.<br /><br /><b><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-iTF6id3xjZY/W_8KpShq1_I/AAAAAAAAAck/t5mvQ7rrYdgIo7CcVyKjW4WuAQX1hYsVQCEwYBhgL/s1600/3v.%2BBrabant%2BKillers.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="470" data-original-width="767" height="196" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-iTF6id3xjZY/W_8KpShq1_I/AAAAAAAAAck/t5mvQ7rrYdgIo7CcVyKjW4WuAQX1hYsVQCEwYBhgL/s320/3v.%2BBrabant%2BKillers.jpg" width="320" /></a>80s</b>: The Delhaize supermarket chain has to reckon with unsatisfied customers from Nivelles.<br /><br /><b>1986</b>: The ‘Herald of Free Enterprise’ boat sinks near the port of Zeebrugge, allegedly because its British crew couldn’t understand “En veur d’Ingelsmans ‘t zelfste”.<br /><br /><b>1993</b>: King Baudouin I dies in Benidorm, Spain, after a heated discussion with Queen Fabiola, who couldn’t manage to make fries the proper way even after 33 years of marriage.<br /><br /><b>1996</b>: The Dutroux-case boils over. Moustaches disappear almost overnight.<br /><br /><b><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cjG1UhcXYf8/W_8Kp7yfZKI/AAAAAAAAAcM/Eyt_qBXGIPI75TXimXr-oQ_V4diP81SkQCEwYBhgL/s1600/3x.%2BRedDevils.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="798" data-original-width="1200" height="132" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cjG1UhcXYf8/W_8Kp7yfZKI/AAAAAAAAAcM/Eyt_qBXGIPI75TXimXr-oQ_V4diP81SkQCEwYBhgL/s200/3x.%2BRedDevils.jpg" width="200" /></a>2007-2011</b>: Belgium proves to be incapable of forming a new government. This heroic failure is displayed at the Guggenheim Museum.<br /><br /><b>2014</b>: For the first time, the permanently dissatisfied, victimized Flemish nationalists hold almost all power. They remain just as dissatisfied, leading to a cognitive dissonance where they blame all their failures on everyone else.<br /><br /><b>2018</b>: The Red Devils come in 3rd at the FIFA World Cup in Russia, proving racism can be overcome and multiculturalism can thrive if everyone is a millionaire.</div>
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<br />Anton Voloshinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02975731085496119073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012138227361813864.post-61028331630821025432018-11-28T22:49:00.001+01:002018-11-28T22:49:23.473+01:00State of Failure: Our Neighbourhood<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Since time immemorial, Belgium has been surrounded by five neighbours. Whereas our country used to be a bloody battlefield for bordering great powers, they have now chosen to humiliate us at the Eurovision Song Contest instead.<br /><br />So, before we start investigating our country and reveal surprising facts, let’s pop out and visit our neighbours.<br /><br /><b>The Dutch: a noisy neighbour in a caravan</b></div>
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It is said that God created the world, but the Dutch created the Netherlands. Judging by how ugly it is, this is probably true. To respond to climate change and the constant threat of rising water levels, the Dutch have become the tallest people in the world.<br /><br />Foreigners sometimes ask whether Belgium and the Netherlands shouldn’t be one country (at least, Flanders and the Netherlands). It’s already been tried and the wheels came off after only 15 years, when the Dutch tried to introduce sweet mayonnaise and call our frieten/frites ‘patat’.<br /><br /><b>The Germans: an industrial zone with fast thoroughfares</b><br /><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-j6Okz4nJ3OY/W_8KhejOYdI/AAAAAAAAAcQ/uB5g6K2SlHs-UnBtQHyfELencd-7FmZDACEwYBhgL/s1600/2b.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="423" data-original-width="905" height="298" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-j6Okz4nJ3OY/W_8KhejOYdI/AAAAAAAAAcQ/uB5g6K2SlHs-UnBtQHyfELencd-7FmZDACEwYBhgL/s640/2b.png" width="640" /></a><br />Germany is the cradle of the mullet and the porn moustache. It is also known for its Black Forest hospitals full of adulterous people, badly-dressed police inspectors with tacky leather coats, and being the source of 66% of all Hollywood villains.<br /><br />The Nazi stereotype associated with Germany is fading. Now we just see Germans for who they truly are: people so joyless they probably require a stamped permit to have cold, loveless sexual intercourse.<br /><br /><b>The Luxembourgians: sublet to the highest bidder</b><br /><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xvXO3qlOhYg/W_8KheiKFaI/AAAAAAAAAcQ/EFVr1z9Gv18yj4pUIhqknD7RqW_Ql0T0wCEwYBhgL/s1600/2c.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="465" data-original-width="884" height="336" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xvXO3qlOhYg/W_8KheiKFaI/AAAAAAAAAcQ/EFVr1z9Gv18yj4pUIhqknD7RqW_Ql0T0wCEwYBhgL/s640/2c.png" width="640" /></a><br />Being the world’s largest microstate is a little like being the least incontinent inmate at a home for the elderly: everyone will still take the piss. Not that there’s much to mock Luxembourg for, because the Grand Duchy is so rich even the homeless can cheaply pump gas.<br /><br /><b>The French: snooty neighbours who are after our backyard</b></div>
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The French pride themselves on their savoir-vivre. This means they love their nice cinder block barbecues in the Parisian suburbs and burning rubber tyres at strike checkpoints. <br /><br />More cultured and high-ranking Frenchmen traditionally have affairs and orgies, and you’re not a truly successful Frenchmen if you haven’t fathered at least one illegitimate child or haven’t been accused of sexual harassment.<br /><br /><b>The British: those from across the water</b></div>
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British people are very diverse and easy to tell apart: Scots are loud and drunk, the English are drunk and angry, Welshmen sound drunk even if they are sober, and the Northern Irish blow each other up.<br /><br />The UK’s crown prince is the oldest horse in the world, and proudly presides over disaster areas with 7cm thick fries, piss water beer, cloned sheep brains and mad cow burgers. Brexit can’t come a day too early.</div>
Anton Voloshinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02975731085496119073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012138227361813864.post-85321816760345121802018-11-28T22:45:00.000+01:002018-11-28T22:45:07.278+01:00State of Failure: Introduction<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i>During the week that started on October 22, I manned the Twitter account @belgiumers. Every week, a different Belgian tweets from this account to teach the world (and ourselves) a little more about the country. I took this message to heart and cooked up a veritable wok dish the size of a flying saucer. Because some people told me they had no time to follow all the tweets or simply dislike reading tweet threads, I’m reposting everything in a neat blogging package here. Avast, ye bastards!</i></div>
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HAY GUYS. I am @antonvoloshin; a writer from Ghent. As this week’s Commander of space ship Belgiumers, I will be teaching all who are interested about the many marvellous failures, flubs and fuck-ups our country enjoys.<br /><br />DISCLAIMER 1: I will be posting 18 chapters over the coming week, hopefully each as a series of threaded tweets. Look for the yellow bar that states a chapter begins!<br /><br />DISCLAIMER 2: Some of this content dates back to my days at @DeRechtzetting, and in its original form, some of it was co-written or edited by my former colleagues Jonas, Sam and Benoni. <br /><br />None of this was ever released before, and over 90% was created by me. About 70% of all this content is as new as your last miserable pay check. You can find my website at www.antonvoloshin.net. I am also on Facebook. Most of my content is in Dutch, which is widely recognised as the language of lurrrve. I will post in English here, though. So, strap in and enjoy warp speed! Here’s the agenda.</div>
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Let's start with some infographics.</div>
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<br />Anton Voloshinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02975731085496119073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012138227361813864.post-46415010744779114832018-08-02T20:59:00.001+02:002018-08-02T20:59:14.749+02:00Calvin Harris and Dua Lipa's Summer hit is atrocious<div style="text-align: justify;">
Frankly, I'm rather neutral on Calvin Harris's work. I own Dua Lipa's self-titled debut album and I think it makes for a good pop record. I also enjoyed her empowering songs like 'New rules' and 'IDGAF', which will probably be very recognisable to a lot of girls and women. So go Dua!<br /><br />But I hate - and I turn off the radio every time I hear it - her collaboration with Calvin Harris. On an artistic level, it sounds bland and low on energy, like the kind of generic cocktail bar elevator music you might hear in some non-descript seaside pop-up. But the lyrics are even more galling.<br /><br />The accused in case: "I look like all you need." I like Dua Lipa's music, but I have a big problem with this line of hers. I'm all for female empowerment and I'm all for tearing down patriarchy. What I'm not for is replacing it with an entitled attitude. Any woman who would ever say that phrase to me would get the boot. Shocked? Imagine a man saying that to a woman. Yes - the context is different, in that male entitlement is a huge issue (leading some men to outright murder women), but adding female entitlement is hardly a solution to gender issues.<br /><br />"I look like all you need" is just the Coca-Cola guy of feminism. Creating a female gaze doesn't erase the male gaze, and objectifying men doesn't reduce objectification of women. It sounds tone-deaf and narcissistic. It syncs up with a movement where people are supposed to not have any standards when it comes down to female beauty. And while I recognize that society's tastes have been super-narrow for decades, moulded by fashion giants and the media, replacing that taste with an equally forcible image isn't going to make things better.<br /><br />Have I been infected by patriarchy and its absurd ideals of beauty? Absolutely. Am I, as a man, also not living up to the increasingly popular idea of a man as a muscular, athletic guy? Also, yes. But to be truly inclusive and broad, we need to remove this kind of zero-sum game from the equation altogether.<br /><br />No, 'One kiss' is not all it takes. </div>
Anton Voloshinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02975731085496119073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012138227361813864.post-90098623822569006262018-07-09T18:40:00.000+02:002018-07-09T18:40:04.950+02:00Let's hope football is not coming 'home'<div style="text-align: justify;">
England's having a good run at the World Cup. Its players look like a tight-knit squad of hard workers with no delusions of grandeur and with a lot of heart. But in many ways, they resemble the Germany team of 2002 and the Argentina outfit of 2014: good teams that scraped by on the tightest of margins and an iron-clad mentality, eventually found out at the finals. It would be a shame if this England would become world champions.<br /><br />This segues nicely into my primary reason why I will never support England: they're just not good enough. In terms of titles, they are level with ancient imperial rivals Spain and France, and paltry in comparison to the pedigree of its former modern-day enemies Germany and Italy. Feeding off of faded glory from a title won over 50 years ago is like tabloids still digging up tired Nazi references whenever Germany or the European Union come up as topics.<br /><br />Secondly, allowing the United Kingdom four different national teams is an outdated anachronism and reeks of arrogant exceptionalism only outdone by the United States, who stubbornly insist on calling football soccer and reserve the football label for a sport that requires full body armour and helmets lest people actually die on the pitch. It's no wonder American conservatives dislike football, because it doesn't come with a cheat code that makes them world contenders in it and shatters their delusions of superiority in competitions like the "World" Series where only North American sports teams compete.<br /><br />Gareth Southgate seems like a decent, likable man. I'm sure he is a good manager, and he has imbued his squad with a good work mentality. But I simply cannot believe the self-delusion that's been building up in English media about this team. While lauded as a tactical master-stroke to lose to Belgium in the group phase, England struggled mightily against an impaired Colombia and then didn't exactly trounce a modest Swedish side. Croatia is battered from fighting two matches into extended time and penalty shoot-outs, and so it looks likely that England will face either France or Belgium in the finals - where they will lose spectacularly, unless they find a higher gear.<br /><br />I'm not being harsh for the sake of simply hating or for wanting to be pooh-poohing English exceptionalism (though it is part of it). But, like Germany in 2002 and Argentina in 2014, they don't play very exciting football, give or take the odd match (just like those two aforementioned sides, who each had exactly one brilliant, riveting game in their runs), they faced considerably weaker opposition than their likely finals counterpart, and even if the squad itself remains modest, the media circus around it is an excercise in delusions.<br /><br />So, unless the United Kingdom can manage to send one united team to the World Cup just like everyone else, instead of insisting on rotten old glory from a century ago, and unless it can manage to ditch the ghosts of victory from a time where competition was easier, and unless it can actually create an FA that is not a paltry shadow of its own Premier League, England will never get my support at major football competitions. Football's home is the world. Not England.</div>
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<br />Anton Voloshinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02975731085496119073noreply@blogger.com