Game of Thrones: the Killer Hit List (revisited)

2.5 years ago, I made a three-part post that was a ‘hit list’ of kills the various factions in ‘Game of Thrones’ racked up. While I had fully intended to revisit the piece after season 8, the season itself eventually turned up well short of expectations (especially after such a long wait), but I’m not here to wail about what could and perhaps should have been.

The only truly unfortunate thing is how quickly ‘Game of Thrones’ seems to have faded from public consciousness and that is has nothing to blame for it but itself. It doesn’t help that George R.R. Martin still seems to be languishing in an unending Sisyphean task to wrap up the book series he started about 25 (!) years ago.

As an aside, and yes, I can do that because this my personal soapbox, I think it’s awful that someone as talented and lucky as Martin has steadily been squandering all the chances he has been given. There are thousands of writers who would be prepared to murder someone for the breadth of his fandom, the insanely intricate and high-quality fan artwork he has inspired, and so on and so forth.

However, I am nothing if not unrelenting and I’ll see my own minor project through here. If you’re still wanting more, you can also go check out my Magic: the Gathering of Ice and Fire mash-up that I made, which actually attempted to sculpt a coherent, playable set instead of the usual subpar fare that struggles with basic templating and colour-wheel accuracy.

What counts as a kill and for who?

You could make endless subdivisions of factions, but I stuck with:

• Westerosi Great Houses. Kills made by their bannermen and direct allies that aren’t of another Great House are attributed to their suzerain house. Exceptions to this rule are the short-lived Great Houses of Frey and Bolton (S3-S7), the newly minted Great House of Blackwater (S8) and Westerosi groups that hold no allegiance to a particular Great House, such as the Brotherhood Without Banners, the Night’s Watch or the Free Folk.
• Houses that switch allegiances have their kills assigned to their new suzerain House as soon as they turn their cloak (e.g. House Umber, Tarly and Karstark). House Mormont is a vassal house of House Stark, but Jorah’s kills go to House Targaryen (he was exiled by the Starks anyway) and Jeor’s kills go to the Night’s Watch (because the Night’s Watch overrides any pre-existing legacy).
• Even though they split, House Baretheon’s kills from and for all of their pretenders are counted together (S1-S5), though Joffrey’s count for the Lannisters because who are we kidding here. The same is true for House Greyjoy, which split between the red and black faction in S6.
• I counted the Slavers’ Bay forces opposing Daenaerys as one faction, whether they are Astapori, Meereenese, Yunkish or Sons of the Harpy. Kills made by the Dothraki stop counting for them when the join Dany’s coalition in S6. ‘Natural causes’ such as old age and natural disasters are also lobbed together.
• Other Essosi city-states are their own faction if they feature enough characters in the series that have speaking lines that don’t serve someone else instead. The Red Priests’ kills are attributed to the ruler they’re serving at the time other than R’hllor.
• Destroying a wight or a White Walker counts as a kill, even if they’re both technically already dead, but not counting their own demises while counting the kills they make would be kind of weird, unless we also begin taking stock of who resurrected the most characters. That would be a very short list: the White Walkers would top it, with representatives of the Fire God at a very distant second, and then no one else.

Offscreen deaths are only counted if they're mentioned in the show. When taking into account big battles or massacres, I've deferred to either the show's wiki pages at the Game of Thrones Wikia, or when this information was hard to come by, I looked at the source novels by George R.R. Martin himself. If neither was possible, I made a guesstimate. Terribly scientific, I know.

 

#32. The Golden Company (N)

• Kills? 0
• Who? A mercenary army from Essos
• Motto: “Our word is good as gold”
• What should be their motto: “We had one job.”
• Fate after S8: Obliterated

The Golden Company was touted as a superior fighting force, shipped in from Essos by Euron Greyjoy’s fleet and paid for by Cersei after plundering the Reach, paying back her debts to the Iron Bank in one fell swoop. It felt like a masterstroke at the time, but seeing as the Golden Company ignominiously went down without putting so much as a dent into the combined Targaryen-Stark-Arryn forces, their fall was both anticlimactic and one of the genuinely lugubriously funny moments of S8.

#32. House of the Three-Eyed Raven (N)

• Kills? 0
  
• Who? Formerly Brandon Stark, now the wheelchair-bound robot king of Westeros
• Motto: unknown
• What should be their motto: “Bleep bloop”
• Fate after S8: Ruling the Six Kingdoms

Installing Bran as a compromise king, elected by peers rather than being decided through descent, doesn’t seem that dumb of a move seeing as he’s impartial and smart and has no sordid history with any other major player. However, succession is sure to look pretty messy. Will Bran appoint or search for a new Three-Eyed Raven himself, as he was chosen by his predecessor? Will the Great Houses convene again and elect their king? The latter seems like a recipe for disaster, and while his Small Council is now full of friends and allies who have known each other for a long time, no one knows what it will look like in the future. If Bran will live as long as his predecessor, at some point his Council will be filled with new people who don’t share a sense of camaraderie and joint sacrifices. Still, being responsible for 0 deaths (at least on-screen) is kind of an accomplishment on its own! For now.  

#32. House Blackwater (as Paramount House of the Reach) (N)

• Kills? 0
• Who? Bronn, everyone’s favourite mercenary, now in charge of the Reach
• Motto: unknown
• What should be their motto: “There’s no cure for being a cunt.”
• Fate after S8: Ruling the Reach

Bronn is perhaps the biggest ‘winner’ to come out of the War of the Five Kings and the War of the Two Queens. There’s no deaths we know he’s responsible for after the demise of Daenaerys, but it seems unlikely Bronn’s rule over the Reach will be without its, ah, thorns, so to speak. Still, well done, buddy. But invest in some god-damned shampoo, you can afford it now.

#32. The Iron Bank and Braavos (-5)

• Kills? 0
• Who? The Switzerland of Essos
• Motto: “The Iron Bank will have its due.”
• What should be their motto: current one’s fine
• Fate after S8: Presumably still banking

The Iron Bank is a dreaded institution for its ability to back hostile armies or contract killers like the Faceless Men if people are likely not to pay their debts. Still, they do not kill any people in the series. I doubt they’re happy with Bran the Broken as king. Sure, he seems to have brought stability, but since he knows everything, outwitting him or forcing his hand in ponying up debts looks pointless.

#28. The Lhazareen (-2)

• Kills? 1
  
• Who? A pastoral people from South-East Essos
• Motto: unknown
  
• What should be their motto: a progressively higher wail as they go up in flames
• Fate after S8: Unknown, but likely not a pleasant one

Derisively called the 'Lamb Men' by the Dothraki, they live up to their soft reputation by boasting the lowest kill count higher than zero. Yet, their one kill is a big one: the witch Mirri Maz Duur is saved from being raped and killed by the Dothraki by Daenaerys, and repays the favour by turning a sick Khal Drogo into a bed-ridden, comatose shell of his former self. Even if Dany herself ends up mercy killing Drogo, it's clear who got the ball rolling.

#27. Free animals (-)

• Kills? 3
• Who: Just animals. Not direwolves or dragons.
• Fate after S8: Being animals

I made a miscalculation in my previous rundown on this list. Yes, a stag kills Robert Baratheon and another stag kills a direwolf, but I forgot the stag that killed the direwolf also didn’t survive the encounter. Symbolism, y’all. Also any faction that ranks after animals, except those that are very new or explicitly pacifist, are losers. Just saying.

#26. The Faceless Men (-)

• Kills? 10
• Who? An order of religious assassins operating from the city of Braavos in Essos
• Motto: “Valar morghulis. Valar dohaeris.”
• What should be their motto: “Not today.”
• Fate after S8: Still out there at Braavos

Despite being a heavily talked-up faction and possessing a supernatural prowess at killing and remaining unseen, the show's tally of kills from the Faceless Men remains rather low. But that's what they'd want you to believe, no? Their finest moment is when Jaqen H'gar helps Arya Stark escape Harrenhall and conveniently, sneakily kills a few Lannister soldiers. Arya’s kills don’t count for the Faceless Men – she was never truly loyal to the House of Black and White.

#25. Commoners (-)

• Kills? 15
• Who? The proletariat
• Motto: none
• What should be their motto: *sound of manure hitting Joffrey’s face*
• Fate after S8: Not being burnt to a crisp anymore by dragonfire or returned from the dead to fight for the Night King. Progress!

Though they mostly remain an anonymous mass of dirt-caked faces, the commoners have shed their fair amount of blood, ranging from the Riot of King's Landing when the unsufferable Joffrey gets hit with shit to the alleyway kills the former slaves make on their masters when liberation from Dany's forces is imminent in Meereen.

#24. House Martell (-)

• Kills? 16
• Who? The Great House of Dorne, the southernmost of Westeros' Six Kingdoms
• Motto: “Unbowed, unbent, unbroken.”
• What should be their motto: “I am Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”
• Fate after S8: They have a new Prince! We never learnt his name! He doesn’t matter!

House Martell appears to be all talk and no action. Even worse, part of their paltry kill score is killing their own, with the Sand Snakes and Ellaria's power grab. They also managed to kill a teenage princess and a captain buried to his neck in the sand. Seven hells, even supreme cool guy Oberyn couldn't fully kill the Mountain and got his head bashed in instead.

#23. The Qartheen (-2)

• Kills? 21
• Who? The city of Qarth is a rich trade city in the south of Essos
• Motto: unknown
• What should be their motto: “Come for the orientalist motifs, stay for the unresolved plot points.”
• Fate after S8: Unknown

Like House Martell, the majority of victims attributed to the Qartheen are their own. Xaro Xhoan Daxos and the Undying conspire to kill the city's Council of the Thirteen and murder a few more random people in a bid to gain control of Dany's dragons and become the city's top dogs. It doesn't work out well for them.

#22. The Dothraki (-3)

• Kills? 54
• Who? Nomadic warriors from Essos
• Motto: *glowers in Dothraki*
• What should b- fuck off they’re too cool for that
• Fate after S8: Unknown. Have they settled in Westeros now? What remains of them in Essos?

Before joining Dany in her quest to “tear down the stone houses and kill the men in their iron suits”, the Dothraki were already a force to be reckoned with. Then again, killing Lhazareen or fighting each other to the death isn't really that impressive. 54 is a bit of a paltry number, but that’s only because the Dothraki’s kills counted for House Targaryen’s after they joined Dany’s forces.

#21. Sandor Clegane (-2)

• Kills? 80
• Who? The Hound, the myth, the legend
• Motto: none
• What should be his motto: “Those are your last words: ‘fuck you’?”
• Fate after S8: Rest in peace, Sandor. At least you managed to take your horrible brother down with you.

After he says "fuck the king" and before he travels with the Brotherhood Without Banners, the Hound racks up an impressive kill count all on his own. He has literally carved out a place of (questionable) honour for himself in the list of killers by being able to outdo 12 other groups as a single man.

#20. The Children of the Forest and the (Old) Three-Eyed Raven (-2)

• Kills? 131
• Who? Ancient inhabitants of Westeros and a guy who melds with a tree
• Motto: unknown
• What should be their motto: “Mistakes were made.”
• Fate after S8: Still dead

Arguably, the Children are to blame for most of the horrible things the living have to go through by creating an undead menace they couldn’t control. They also lured a crippled boy to a decrepit old man’s creepy sex cave. They did go out with a blast, though. Emo tree status: still not amused.

#19. The Sparrows and the Faith Militant (+7)

• Kills? 302
• Who? An order of religious fanatics and, well, simple animals, respectively
• Motto: “Stars and swords”
• What should be their motto: “Shame!”
• Fate after S8: Whoever survived the explosion at Baelor’s Sept and Dany’s destruction of King’s Landing is likely keeping a very, very low profile

For all their religious fervour, the Sparrows boast very few actual kills. Although we can assume they did murder their fair share of people they deemed corrupt or not having sex the way their holy writ prescribed it, the show only has two people killed by them. I decided not to be so strict this time: there is absolutely *no* way these bastards didn’t kill more people, so I’m tossing them a few hundred extra.

#18. The Brotherhood Without Banners (-)

• Kills? 344
• Who? Worshipers of the Red God who claim to fight for the commoners
• Motto: unknown
• What should be their motto: none works fine
• Fate after S8: Presumably gone

Though Beric Dondarrion may or may not be dead, the Brotherhood was a thorn in the side of the Lannister forces occupying the Riverlands, and some of their men broke bad when they slaughtered a group of innocent people founding a new village. Lem Lemoncloak will not be missed, but he did rack up the Brotherhood's kill count, even if most of the casualties were defenceless people. At least his cloak kept the Hound warm.

#17. Mountain Clans of the Vale (-1)

• Kills? 402
• Who? Semi-barbaric inhabitants of the Mountains of the Vale in Westeros
• Motto: unknown
• What should be their motto: *laughs raucously in Vale*
• Fate after S8: Presumably same as it ever was – raid a few people, living a raw life

After his release from the Eyrie, Tyrion and Bronn pick up the Mountain Clan warriors along the way and have them fight with the Lannister forces. Their kills happen mostly off-screen, but we can infer they were a vital part of the Lannister army. Presumably they’ve returned to the Vale and still regale each other with stories about fighting for the ‘Half-Man’ and cutting off a terrified Pycelle’s beard.

#16. Disease, old age and natural disaster (-1)

• Kills? 1,011
• Motto: -
• What should be their motto: -
• Who? Ye olde death that comes for everyone in the end
• Fate after S8: It’s the human condition, stupid

Perhaps it is surprising that even in the ultra-violent world created by George R.R. Martin and the ‘Game of Thrones’ show, natural deaths, disasters and diseases still claim the 16^th spot on the list, defeating regular armies, clans and trained killers. Yet, it’s true. To be fair, the largest part of them include the wights who were stupid enough to drown to their final fate when they tried to cross the ice to get at Jon Snow and his Magnificent Seven, though they also include important characters like Hoster Tully and maester Aemon Targaryen.

#15. The Sons of the Harpy and the Ghiscari Alliance (-3)

• Kills? 1,199
• Who? Slave masters and former slave masters from the Essosi cities of Meereen, Yunkai and Astapor
• Motto: none
• What should be their motto: “Nooo you can’t just free all the slaves it will destroy the economerino” -  “Haha slave chains go cloink”
• Fate after S8: Unknown. Perhaps they might rise again if they know Daenaerys is dead.

It’s not easy to pinpoint a truly exact number when it comes down to this loose coalition of slaver city-states and former masters. What’s certain is that their threat proved to be more resilient and enduring than Dany and her followers had expected, frustrating viewers and characters alike. It remains to be seen whether her show of power with the dragons and leaving Daario in place as her steward put a definitive end to the slave masters’ misgivings (and killings).

#14. House Tyrell (-3)

• Kills? 1,251
• Who? The Great House of the Reach in Westeros
• Motto: “Growing strong”
• What should be their motto: “I want them to know it was me.”
• Fate after S8: The House is extinct and is replaced by House Blackwater.

House Tyrell was never one for wanton destruction or great warfare. They waited almost two full seasons to actually join the War of the Five Kings when they joined the Lannister host to decide the Battle of Blackwater. After that, they were often seen doing anything but fighting, and when their best soldier, Randyll Tarly, turned cloak for the Lannisters, their chances to inch up higher in this list were almost as dead as their entire House.

#13. The Night's Watch (+2)

• Kills? 2,095
• Who? The guardians of the Wall up North in Westeros
• Motto: “I am the shield that guards the realms.”
• What should be their motto: “Second-guessed by every little twat.”
• Fate after S8: Unknown. Is there any Night’s Watch necessary at all anymore now that the Wall is down and the relations with the Free Folk are presumably alright?

Clocking in a solid number of almost 2,100, the Night’s Watch kills include a menagerie of Free Folk, giants and their occasional fellow crows. It's not known whether they still exist at all now since the Wall has been breached at at least two points, the White Walkers are dead and the Free Folk are presumably pacified.

#12. House Frey (as House Paramount of the Riverlands) (-)

• Kills? 2,200
• Who? The short-lived Great House that usurped control over the Riverlands after they participated in the Red Wedding to unseat House Tully
• Motto: “We stand together.”
• What should be their motto: “Oh yes, I said some words.”
• Fate after S8: Still dead. Unknown who took the Twins.

While no great soldiers themselves, the cowardly slaughter that was the Red Wedding did help the Freys break into the top 10. Possibly one of the most hated and despised Houses in Westeros, their time as House Paramount of the Riverlands was short-lived. Without the support of the Lannisters and the Boltons, they were a bunch of cloying amateurs who managed to get themselves killed by one person.

#11. Free Folk / Wildlings (+1)

• Kills? 2,201
• Who? Human tribes who live beyond the Wall
• Motto: none
• What should be their motto: “We do not kneel.”
• Fate after S8: Livin’ it up beyond the ruins of the Wall, presumably led by Aegon VII the Unwilling and Tormund

The Free Folk would have killed more people if the Night’s Watch wouldn’t have been so direly understaffed and if Stannis Baratheon hadn’t shown up to relieve the siege of Castle Black, cutting through the Free Folk like butter, with his horses, armor and longswords. Still, killing 2,200 people is nothing to sneeze at. One wonders if the Free Folk at the Wall and those presumably settled in the North still count as Free Folk, or as bound to House Stark – and if they will matter at all. Most of their fighting men are already dead or are zombies. Yes, they have technically one kill more than the Freys, but I think that's a number both symbolical and also on the low side.

#09. House Bolton (as House Paramount of the North) (-2)

• Kills? 4,549
• Who? The short-lived Great House that usurped control over the North after they participated in the Red Wedding to unseat House Stark.
• Motto: “Our blades are sharp.”
• What should be their motto: “A naked man has few secrets. A flayed man has none.”
• Fate after S8: Extinct. Unknown who has taken the Dreadfort.

The Boltons got in their share of kills for the Starks in the early phases of the War of the Five Kings, and then turned on their Great House at the Red Wedding. The Boltons further drove out the ironborn from the North in cruelest ways imaginable, and then delivered Stannis’ final defeat at Winterfell. Their fortunes turned after Sansa escaped and Ramsay thought his gleeful sadism was going to let him keep the North forever.

#08. House Greyjoy (-)

• Kills? 5,722
• Who? The House Paramount of the Iron Islands, surprisingly one of the Six Kingdoms
• Motto: “We do not sow.”
• What should be their motto: “What is dead may never die.”
• Fate after S8: Still one of the now-Six Kingdoms, led by Yara Greyjoy

Most of the ironborn’s battles are fought off-screen or only seen in fragments, but they seem mostly adept at killing their own, with Euron’s ‘Red’ Greyjoys delivering a crushing defeat to the ‘Black’ Greyjoys Theon and Yara in the early stages of the War of the Two Queens. Euron was a discount Ramsay Bolton but at least he managed to keep them in the top 10.

#07. House Arryn (+2) 

• Kills? 10,203
• Who? The House Paramount of the Vale in Westeros, one of the Six Kingdoms
• Motto: “As high as honor.”
• What should be their motto: “I think not.”
• Fate after S8: Still one of the now-Six Kingdoms, led by Robert Arryn

These falcons earned their wings in a large part thanks to their timely intervention at the Battle of the Bastards, mowing down the exhausted ranks of the Bolton armies, which looked like they were going to win against a severely outnumbered rag-tag coalition of Northmen and Wildlings. They also fought at the Starks’ side in subsequent battles, and at the Dragonpit Council, even sickly little Robert looked at least something like a normal person now!

#06. House Tully (-1)

• Kills? 12,020
• Who? The House Paramount of the Riverlands, one of the Six Kingdoms
• Motto: “Family. Duty. Honor.”
• What should be their motto: “Something smells fishy.”
• Fate after S8: Still one of the now-Six Kingdoms, led by Edmure Tully

Likely the biggest surprise on the list, and largely due to Edmure – yes, Edmure – who took a chance at personal glory in the off-screen Battle of the Stone Mill, where he defeated a huge Lannister host but took so many casualties that it was, in fact, a Pyrrhic victory. Permanently reduced to the status of laughing stock thanks to Edmure, who apparently sat around and did jack shit during the Last War.

#05. House Baratheon (-1)

• Kills: 13,159
• Who? The House Paramount of the Stormlands, one of the Six Kingdoms
• Motto: “Ours is the fury.”
• What should be their motto: “It’s hammertime.”
• Fate after S8: Still one of the now-Six Kingdoms, led by Gendry Baratheon

Most of House Baratheon’s kills come from the branch of Stannis, whose troops killed their fair share of men in three major battles – the Blackwater, the Siege of Castle Black and the First Battle of Winterfell. Robert and Renly are no match for Stannis’ bloody deeds. And they’re still around now, too, thanks to Gendry, who bravely upheld the family tradition of destroying things with big hammers. Robert toasts to his bastard son from the grave.

#04. House Lannister (-2)

• Kills: 18,170
• Who? The House Paramount of the Westerlands, one of the Six Kingdoms
• Motto: “Hear me roar.”
• What should be their motto: “Family is all that matters.”
• Fate after S8: Still one of the now-Six Kingdoms, led by Tyrion Lannister

Embroiled in the War of the Five Kings from the very beginning and one of the few Great Houses left standing in its aftermath, the Lannisters have proven to be a resilient and cunning force more than adept at bloodshed. That the Lannisters still exist at all is a testament to the family’s sense of shrewdness, although S8 did them a dirty by progressively having the otherwise smart Tyrion make baffling choices and destroying Jaime’s redemption arc.

#03. House Stark (+4)

• Kills? 78,219
• Who? The House Paramount of the North in Westeros, briefly deposed by the Boltons, later re-emerged as the independent Kingdom of the North
• Motto: “Winter is coming.”
• What should be their motto: “I'm a slow learner.”
• Fate after S8: Independent kingdom led by Sansa I Stark.

The Stark’s kills are attributed to a great number of loyal Houses connected to them as well as individual battles (under the command of Robb or Jon) or fights they got embroiled into (Arya, Ned). The Starks are not the biggest killing machines in Westeros, but they are by far the most consistent, getting in a few kills almost every episode. The Hound was right when he predicted to a frightened Sansa her brothers would all become killers. He just failed to account for the fact that so would she and her sister.

#02. The White Walkers and the Wights (-1)

• Kills: 136,928
• Who? An army of ice zombies commanded by supernatural frost-like humanoids
• Motto: none
• What should be their motto: none
• Fate after S8: Wiped out completely

It was never their trophy to win, but they tried very, very hard. In fact, they would have won it all had it not been for those pesky kids (*shakes Night Fist*), though they had already been generously helped by a number of massive strategic blunders from the Coalition of the Living that looked awesome on-screen but fell apart as soon as you thought about them in a coherent fashion. I don’t think there has ever been a televised battle that looked as insanely cool and had such production values while at the same time laughably dumb from a military point of view.   

#01. House Targaryen (+2) 

• Kills: 266,172
• Who? The ousted royal house of Westeros. 'Won' the War of the Two Queens. Got stabbed.
  
• Motto: “Fire and blood.”
• What should be their motto: it’s… oddly fine as it is
• Fate after S8: Extinct

Jumping from third place to first in just one season is all the more impressive when you consider that the White Walkers started out incredibly far ahead. My estimates are even a bit on the conservative side, given that Dany almost completely destroys King’s Landing, which by GoT’s counts is a city of about a million inhabitants. S8 was right to portray Dany as the eventual villain, but they unfortunately did it in such a ham-fisted, stilted way that her turn to madness never felt earned and plainly contradicted the way the show portrayed her as a bad-ass feminine hero. It also never helped that despite her best efforts, Emilia Clarke is not the kind of actress to sell this sort of role, even if she had a lot of its tics and nuances down to a t. Blame the directors, if anything.