About 'Alpha+Good'

Alpha+Good (a bad wordplay on Orwell's "double plus good" and old machismo - I'm the realest after all) is a side project that belongs to 'Onklare taal' ('Unclear' or 'Unripe language'), the umbrella of several literary projects in Dutch.

This section is almost exclusively in English and comprises my ongoing thoughts on progress, gender, politics and various other social themes. Why is this in English why everything else in Dutch? Because I want to gun for a much wider audience here. Also, my literary English isn't good enough, otherwise I would always write in English.

Are you a little lost? This link will take you right back to my home page.

Wednesday, November 28, 2018

State of Failure: Our Neighbourhood

Since time immemorial, Belgium has been surrounded by five neighbours. Whereas our country used to be a bloody battlefield for bordering great powers, they have now chosen to humiliate us at the Eurovision Song Contest instead.

So, before we start investigating our country and reveal surprising facts, let’s pop out and visit our neighbours.

The Dutch: a noisy neighbour in a caravan

It is said that God created the world, but the Dutch created the Netherlands. Judging by how ugly it is, this is probably true. To respond to climate change and the constant threat of rising water levels, the Dutch have become the tallest people in the world.

Foreigners sometimes ask whether Belgium and the Netherlands shouldn’t be one country (at least, Flanders and the Netherlands). It’s already been tried and the wheels came off after only 15 years, when the Dutch tried to introduce sweet mayonnaise and call our frieten/frites ‘patat’.

The Germans: an industrial zone with fast thoroughfares

Germany is the cradle of the mullet and the porn moustache. It is also known for its Black Forest hospitals full of adulterous people, badly-dressed police inspectors with tacky leather coats, and being the source of 66% of all Hollywood villains.

The Nazi stereotype associated with Germany is fading. Now we just see Germans for who they truly are: people so joyless they probably require a stamped permit to have cold, loveless sexual intercourse.

The Luxembourgians: sublet to the highest bidder

Being the world’s largest microstate is a little like being the least incontinent inmate at a home for the elderly: everyone will still take the piss. Not that there’s much to mock Luxembourg for, because the Grand Duchy is so rich even the homeless can cheaply pump gas.

The French: snooty neighbours who are after our backyard
The French pride themselves on their savoir-vivre. This means they love their nice cinder block barbecues in the Parisian suburbs and burning rubber tyres at strike checkpoints.

More cultured and high-ranking Frenchmen traditionally have affairs and orgies, and you’re not a truly successful Frenchmen if you haven’t fathered at least one illegitimate child or haven’t been accused of sexual harassment.

The British: those from across the water
British people are very diverse and easy to tell apart: Scots are loud and drunk, the English are drunk and angry, Welshmen sound drunk even if they are sober, and the Northern Irish blow each other up.

The UK’s crown prince is the oldest horse in the world, and proudly presides over disaster areas with 7cm thick fries, piss water beer, cloned sheep brains and mad cow burgers. Brexit can’t come a day too early.