State of Failure: History

What now follows is an abridged history of Belgium. Check out this thread to learn a thing or two the LIBERAL MEDIA won’t tell you.

58BC: Julius Caesar says the Belgae tribe are the bravest of all of Gaul, whereupon he promptly kills them all.

5th-7th century: The Romans are largely driven out by the Franks. Clovis makes Tournai his capital, ushering in a 1,300 year period of urban decay.

 

1096-1100: Gottfried of Bouillon invents a new way of chopping up the Saracens and tossing them into soup.

12th-14th century: Flemish cities experience a golden age thanks to the trade in lumpy frocks. Only the richest Mediaeval people have enough money for lumpy Flemish frocks.

1302: Road-tripping French knights get stuck in a bog and get clobbered to death by Flemish peasant militias.

 

15th-16th century: The Burgundians unite the Low Countries and are stuck with permanently jutting chins thanks to the many headaches these territories give them. They will pass these chins on to their successors, the Habsburgs.

1585: Antwerp surrenders to Spanish troops who enter the city through a makeshift bridge across the Scheldt river. Antwerpians have since developed an unreasonable fear of bridges.

17th-18th century: After the 80 Years’ War, future Belgium first remains in Spanish hands, and then winds up as a possession of the Austrians, who have no clue what to do with this territory.

1798: During the Farmers’ War, a handful of peasants tries to combat the French occupation forces by muttering and glowering in front of their fireplaces at night.

1815: Napoleon is defeated at Waterloo because he is unable to read the bilingual road signage.

1830: At last, the Belgians manage to defeat another nation – they toss out the Dutch.

1835: The first continental train delay happens. The inaugural train ride between Mechelen and Brussels is two hours late because of cows on the tracks. The Belgian Railways minimize the incident and promptly ask for more money.

1884: The Catholics win the ‘School Struggle’ against the Liberals after a decisive bout at 4pm behind the Church, out of the teachers’ sight.

1889: Congo learns all about Western civilization. The Congolese citizens would have applauded for so much Belgian generosity, were it not that their hands had been chopped off.

1908: Leopold II dies and leaves behind a legacy as a perverted, cruel and fat man with a questionable taste in facial hair. He becomes a role model for many Belgians.

1914-1918: Germany plants mines in Flanders’ fields as an agrarian experiment, while the Belgian army develops new irrigation techniques. The Germans return back home disappointed in 1918.

1940: The Belgian army refuses to believe Germany will the exact same thing a second time. After 18 days, it is forced to revise this opinion.

1944: Allied troops liberate Belgium from German occupation and liberate countless local girls of their virginity.

1950: A tense, heated debate on the king nearly leads to civil war. A typically Belgian compromise has Leopold III abdicate in favour of an asparagus.

1960: Congo gains its independence. As a parting gift, Belgian mercenaries are allowed to murder Patrice Lumumba.

1962: The language border becomes fixed. For laughs, it later turns out. Rwanda and Burundi become independent. Also for laughs, it later turns out.

1967: A big bonfire in the ‘Innovation’ store in Brussels is the starting point of 40 years of visionary degeneration of the capital.

1978: A difficult political reform turns post-modern when one stubborn MP keeps on yammering about rights for Klingon speakers.

80s: The Delhaize supermarket chain has to reckon with unsatisfied customers from Nivelles.

1986: The ‘Herald of Free Enterprise’ boat sinks near the port of Zeebrugge, allegedly because its British crew couldn’t understand “En veur d’Ingelsmans ‘t zelfste”.

1993: King Baudouin I dies in Benidorm, Spain, after a heated discussion with Queen Fabiola, who couldn’t manage to make fries the proper way even after 33 years of marriage.

1996: The Dutroux-case boils over. Moustaches disappear almost overnight.

2007-2011: Belgium proves to be incapable of forming a new government. This heroic failure is displayed at the Guggenheim Museum.

2014: For the first time, the permanently dissatisfied, victimized Flemish nationalists hold almost all power. They remain just as dissatisfied, leading to a cognitive dissonance where they blame all their failures on everyone else.

2018: The Red Devils come in 3rd at the FIFA World Cup in Russia, proving racism can be overcome and multiculturalism can thrive if everyone is a millionaire.