About 'Alpha+Good'

Alpha+Good (a bad wordplay on Orwell's "double plus good" and old machismo - I'm the realest after all) is a side project that belongs to 'Onklare taal' ('Unclear' or 'Unripe language'), the umbrella of several literary projects in Dutch.

This section is almost exclusively in English and comprises my ongoing thoughts on progress, gender, politics and various other social themes. Why is this in English why everything else in Dutch? Because I want to gun for a much wider audience here. Also, my literary English isn't good enough, otherwise I would always write in English.

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Thursday, November 29, 2018

State of Failure: the Prince-Bishopric of Liège and the East Cantons


Introduction

The Bishopric of Liège can lay claim to being the most Belgian of all provinces. In its historical area, Belgium’s three future languages had been spoken for centuries, and it is also the cradle of fries, waffles, weapons and paedo priests. In addition, the Bishopric was never part of the original Seventeen Provinces.

Like real proto-Belgians, the Liègeois preferred muddling on on themselves, under God’s gently closed eyes.

When the German Empire ceded Prussian Wallonia to Belgium in 1919, it was actually relieved to be rid of it. The East Cantons had 0 economical value, no monuments and not even any mountains. Ever since, the East Cantons are Belgium’s eccentric old uncle who lives in the garden house – as long as the married couple keeps arguing and shouting, they can’t hear how the garden house’s inhabitant cries himself to sleep every night.

Important facts

Liège is Belgium’s largest province, mostly due to its indigestion because of all the lovely, tasty food it produces. Don’t fat-shame the province, however, or you will stare down the barrel of some semi-automatic rifle made to kill some poor sods in Africa or Asia.

‘La chaise à papy’ (“Grandfather’s chair”) is an important object in any Liègeois household, to be treated with proper respect. Even if a family is without a grandfather, his putative chair must be protected from water, fire, wind or jam damage at all costs.


 
Belgium’s arse
Liège is Belgium’s shapely buttocks, which means the region never left its anal phase. Prince-bishop André Léonard has a strong Catholic anal fixation on sodomy.

The Meuse, Rhine and Ourthe rivers get their characteristically black colour from industrial erosion, while the forested Ardennes and Condroz regions rejoice in the annual coming of dozens of sweaty, lost Flemings and Dutch people in ugly shorts.

More to the south, there’s the Famenne Depression, which is slowly filling up due to the large amount of people that come there to commit suicide.

Seasoning the Mass wine

Even in the Middle Ages, people noted that the Liège area made excellent weapons. This industry balloons under Leopold II’s rule, who supplies weapon maker FN with a test area in the heart of Africa, where customers can hunt elephants, lions and human beings.

As a counterpart to all this violence, the Liège area also gained a reputation as a spa: towns like Spa and Chaudfontaine were able to convince the world it was worth the effort to pay for bottled water.

To see and visit in Liège and the East Cantons

 
Liège proper
The city of Liège proper is known as ‘the Fiery City’. Liègeois are irritated by their city’s image as ‘the Palermo of the North’ if they’re not too busy dodging grenades and bullets or being mugged by grandsons of impoverished Italian workers.

Herstal

Herstal’s weapon factories are known all over the world. Maoist rebels, Arab dictators, American elite troops and other ambitious criminals against humanity all stick to FN’s guns. For the demanding customer who wishes to murder people in very specific ways, FN also makes tailor-made guns.

Grâce-Hollogne

The house of horrors of Grâce-Hollogne is probably the province’s best-known tourist attraction. Your entire family can get the shivers by being buried alive or experiencing horrific domestic abuse. Even the little ones are taken care of: they can get locked up in one of the house’s paedo cellars and die of starvation and exposure.

Spa®

Picturesque Spa® lent its name in English to all spas, a profitable franchise that still brings in millions in royalties to the town. Spa® offers a wide range of hydrating products based on dihydrogen oxide and is a world leader in its sector.

Huy

Huy is a famed magnet for cycling tourists – the Walloon Arrow hits the heart of many senior citizens with lethal precision every year. The Tour de France also regularly passes through the town, a tradition that dates back to the 17th century, when Louis XIV first burnt down the place.

In spite of this, Huy citizens remain indefatigably optimistic: the only bridge, fountain, wall and window that they’ve got left have been immediately branded as world wonders.

The grandma syndicate

Many people in the province work as used car salespeople, junk dealers or football stewards if they can’t get a job in gun testing on civilians. Pictured: “Your tartiflette or your life!”

Because of high unemployment levels, some gun testers have gone international as consultants in conflict areas in the Middle-East, where murder is plentiful and rape is considered part of the extra-legal compensation package.

Another work hotspot is the manufacture of Liègeois black jam by thousands of grandmothers, who have combined their recipes into a veritable MegaZord of sweetness. The city proper has recently opened facilities for people addicted to the jam, so they can get their daily fix in safe and sanitary environments instead of having to slurp the jam in seedy back alleys.

Oufti!

People from Liège know how to party. If not surrounded by burning car tyres at strike checkpoints, then with fireworks on the streets.

The peculiar accent of people in the province results from permanently being drunk on cheap beer and having to pass gas orally or anally, also known as the ‘Oufti’-sound. Another party hotspot is le Carré in the city centre of Liège, where students sell their bodies to the highest bidder of alcohol, and middle-aged men revive their lost sexual appetites to no avail.

Liège’s best-known football club is Standard Liège, the supporters of which are the stuff of legend. No other hooligans have destroyed as many bus stops, stadium seats, cars and human skulls.