To other dudes in dating

There is always a distinct danger of preaching to the choir on blogs like this, but it never helps to spread the word, I suppose. In this particular post, I'd like to address my fellow (hetero) men who, like me, are users of online dating sites. I'm sure that we can commiserate on a few aspects that affect men the most on these sites: low response rates, lame responses in general, and people suddenly ghosting you for no real reason. It sucks and can be a blow to the morale. Online dating is not the easy way to Sexville or Lovetown that it purports to be.

With that out of the way, however, one reason why online dating can suck so much for guys, is a reason we owe wholly to ourselves: women get bombarded with messages every day. Guys seem to be locked in an invisible arms race to send out as many messages as possible, hoping something will stick. Until we break out of this pattern, that's an unfortunate fact we'll have to deal with. But it's not just the shotgun approach that hurts our chances, it's also the nature of the messages. Here's a handy list of things to keep in mind:

> If it isn't appropriate to say something to a stranger in public, it isn't going to be appropriate online, either. You don't strike up conversation with a woman you don't know at a bar by immediately asking if she's down to fuck. You don't whip out your cock. You don't start talking about a bizarre fetish.

> If you get no response to your message, leave it be. If you must, you could send a second message after some time, but after that, it's game over. Sending more is just being pushy and reeks of desperation or entitlement.

> If you get rejected, remain polite or say nothing. Guys sometimes complain that women can be very ambiguous in sending rejection signals, but that's because outright rejection turns some guys into aggressive douchebags who belittle women ("I wasn't interested in you anyway, you fat cow!") out of a sense of hurt pride. If you can't handle rejection, get your ass of the Internet and work on yourself.

I'm not a dating coach (and dating coaches are lame-ass guys who revel in intidimation, harassment and a good dose of awful gender essentialism, anyway) and I certainly wouldn't say I have a success formula down for getting awesome dates, because I'm a normal human being just like you, with assets and downsides. However, because I don't always want to couch any advice I give in negatives, here's a few positive pointers that will increase your response rates or at least set you up for a lucky strike:

> Have at least one clear picture of your face and one that more or less shows your figure. It's better to own up to who you are rather than hide your insecurities. A good picture can go a long way - don't settle for crappy bathroom selfies or photos under mega-harsh light.

> More about pictures: you don't need to showboat about the fact that you know other women, and use goofy poses or faces at your own risk. Also avoid the death stare straight in the lens. Vacation pictures and pet pictures seem to be perennial, and are rather safe, but certainly okay.

> Keep your communication short and to the point. Like I said, women have to wade through dozens of messages every day. If you write a position paper on how great of a guy you are, it's likely to go unread.

> Get a bit of a feel on the conversation to see when it's appropriate to ask her out. Some women may be willing to arrange a date after a single chat conversation or three messages back and forth, some are a bit less forthcoming.

> Don't state you are funny or intelligent: prove it. Make a good joke on your profile, or share your opinion on an amazing book you've read. Otherwise you're just filling in a D&D character sheet.

> Don't rely on stupid oneliners or template messages and indicate you've at least read her profile by referring to a common interest or something. In case the profile is bare-bones and just some data and pictures, I get that this is a lot harder, but it's worth a try.

> Keep your own profile not longer than 1.5 screen lengths. Much longer than that and you're going to come off crazy or overly convoluted. Very short may work if you're good at that. If not, about a screen length is ideal.

> Be interested and interesting. There's no harm in giving a nice and considerate compliment, and it's always good to have some interesting tidbit of knowledge or an interesting question up your sleeve.

> The point is not to pretend to be someone else, but own up to who you are and be the "best you". This isn't a job interview where you have to resort to some little white lies.

Ten male privileges

Generally, men are unaware of the systematic privileges they enjoy. It's one of the major obstacles to a fair discussion about sexism, because they can't seem to tell the difference between a commercial that depicts some man as a savage brute or a woman that gets harrassed on the street. While they will correctly conclude that both are inappropriate, they completely ignore that the disadvantages that women have to cope with are institutional, programmatic and systematic.

We've talked about privilege here before, and there's also a nugget devoted to it in the 'Progress 101' presentation that I made.

Someone recently pointed me towards this list. It attempts to list the typical instances of privilege that (white, heterosexual) men enjoy and while I didn't think it was bad per se, it did contain a few questionable points, and was generally pretty US-centric. So, I've tried to condense the list a little and put my own spin on it.

Here we go. As a heterosexual, white man:

1. I have the privilege of being thought of as the default audience by most modern media, in terms of representation (see the Bechdel test, for example) as well as how a lot of things are advertised alongside beautiful women (male gaze).
    
2. I have the privilege of not facing scrutiny for being ambitious, assertive or career-driven.
    
3. I have the privilege that all major world religions are led by people of my own gender and that most of their scriptures, traditions and rituals accord me a position of power and respect, most notably over women.
    
4. I have the privilege that my chances of being groped, catcalled, sexually harrassed or sexually assaulted in a public space are negligibly small.
    
5. I have the privilege that discussions that relate to my achievements, opinions or personality is unlikely to be taken as emblematic for all men - I am usually seen as an individual.
    
6. I have the privilege that people are unlikely to dismiss my opinions merely because I am a man.
    
7. I have the privilege that most economic, political and academic systems disproportionally advantage people like me, or are entrenched in a culture that is more benign to people like me.
    
8. I have the privilege that large parts of society do not value me solely on basis of how I look.
    
9. I have the privilege that I can indulge in casual sex without being judged for it.
    
10. I have the privilege to be unaware of my privilege and to be blind for the difficulties that others face on a systematic and day-to-day basis.

Progress works for the privileged, too

An acquaintance of mine once asked me why I believe what I believe, and what my primary goal is to advance causes that I'm not a direct benefactor of. He agreed that ethnic minorities, women and sexual minorities all have their legitimate grievances against the system, but as someone who was currently benefiting from it - a white, heterosexual man - he didn't exactly feel like going out there and join their fight. "It's not my place to be there," he said, "why do you think it's yours?" A good question.

See, I believe that flattening pre-existing power structures and barriers beyond the ones we establish during our lifetimes is a huge blessing to how people can relate to one another. This benefits the rich and the powerful, too.

• If a company owner has happier employees who are not afraid to speak their mind, their loyalty will increase and their productivity will go up. A happy employee is a healthier and a better employee.
• If (institutionalised) racism would recede, interactions with ethnic minorities would be less fraught with distrust and prejudice. Instead of some vaguely threatening Other, you gain a greater potential of friends, acquaintances, colleagues and partners.
• If women would not be harrassed on the street, faced with disbelief when speaking up about sexual assault or not be the target of constant micro-aggressions, they would probably feel more secure, open and freer to give consent. No more nail-biting about - understandably - defensive reactions.

These are just a few quick points. It might be weird that I'm framing progressive issues within a context of benefits for the power structures they fight. After all, as that acquaintance pointed out when I told him the above, he said that there are probably people who simply don't care about having happy employees, black friends or safer streets. Yes, but we call these people sociopaths. My point is that everyone has a stake in making society better. To help out is certainly not an obligation, but it sure as hell is the right thing to do.

Some words about harrassment from a porn star

It's not that I want to be lazy, but I felt that this article had the full right to be reposted in its entirity. I do know that some feminist activists and thinkers consider Jezebel to be a mixed blessing, I did think this article hit nails with hammers. You can find the original here.

I can actually remember every time a person at a convention or trade show has touched me inappropriately. My first year at the Venus Fair in Berlin there was a man who shoved two of his fingers into my panty-covered vagina. It was really fast, like he was standing there one second and the next I was trying to figure out how the gusset of my underwear had ended up in my vulva. There was a man in Texas who rather violently squeezed my ass while we were taking a picture and then laughed at how I'd "squealed like a piglet." Seriously. I'm kind of disappointed by how much of a stereotype he was. At AVN this year, a guy grabbed my forearm while I was walking from the elevators to Digital Playground's booth. He let go when I punched him in the testicle area. There's an average of three people per convention who try the more subtle approach of sliding their hand a bit too far down my back when I stand next to them for a photo. Every single one of them apologizes when I gently put their hand back where it belongs and ask them to remember that I am not a blow up doll.

The above paragraph is absolutely nothing, NOTHING, compared to what it's like to be a girl or woman walking around in public in broad daylight. With dirty hair up in a ponytail or bun, no makeup, and baggy clothing on. With headphones in, sitting in a coffee shop or on the subway with your nose in a book, or talking on the phone.

Men have followed me down the street poking me in what one can only assume is an attempt to get my attention. Men have grabbed the cord to my headphones and ripped them out of my ears. Multiple times. Men have grabbed parts of my body, or my coat or purse strap. Twice, when I was transporting my Lyra (the three foot metal hoop/circus apparatus I do aerial work on) they have grabbed the hoop and refused to let go until I threatened to kick them. They've blocked me into corners on mostly empty subway cars, followed me for blocks and then stood outside whatever shop I duck into for absurd amounts of time. They stop their cars in the middle of the crosswalk to stare and yell things out of the window. Years ago, in Philadelphia, one man walked around my neighborhood asking people if they knew where this blue-haired white girl lived because he wanted to return her phone. Fortunately my neighbors were too smart for that trick.

They say I have a sweet ass, nice tits, a real pretty dress. They say I'm their future wife, or I'd look good with their dick in my mouth. They try (and probably succeed at times) to take pictures down my shirt. They ask if they can get my number, they ask where I live, why I'm not smiling, why my boyfriend lets me walk around by myself. Then they ask why I'm such a bitch, if my pussy is made of ice. They say that they never do this, as though I've somehow driven them to inappropriate behavior and deserve it. They say they're just having fun, trying to pay me a compliment. Pretty frequently they get mean, slipping into a loud tourettes — like chant of bitch-whore-cunt-slut.

Before you try to tell me that it's because I take my clothes off for a living, let me tell you that this started way before I was 18. Let me tell you that every single woman I know has at least one truly terrifying story of street harassment and a whole bunch of other stories that are merely insulting or annoying. Let me remind you that in a room of pornography fans, who have actually seen me with a dick in my mouth and who can buy a replica of my vagina in a can or box, I am treated with far more respect than I am walking down the street.

It seems like women have been sharing their experiences with sexual harassment all over the place in the past few weeks. That's what prompted me to share mine. As Jen Bennett said on twitter, there is clearly something in the air. It should be in the air. Speaking up is the only way that we can help people understand that something is an issue. Sharing is how we let each other know that we are not alone. Open discussion raises awareness of things like Slutwalk and Hollaback.

Street harassment is not a rare or isolated occurrence. It does not only happen in America. It does not only happen to young or traditionally-considered-"beautiful" women. It does not only happen on public transit or in low income areas.

We shouldn't have to have a big angry dog named Funster to protect us. We shouldn't have to carry Mace or a knife, hoping that we'll be able to use it properly if necessary or investing hours of our lives in self defense courses (something a lot of women have neither the time nor disposable income to do). We shouldn't have to travel in packs to feel safe (again, something that isn't really feasible).

Men have been responding saying that they want to divorce their gender. That they didn't realize, until we started sharing our stories en masse, what it is like to be a woman. That they wish there was something they could do. That they're sorry for the way other men treat people. Men shouldn't have to feel like they need to apologize on behalf of their gender, or feel ashamed of being male. Unless they're one of the ones doing the harassing, I don't think they should apologize.

There are things that can be done. When someone you know engages in inappropriate or harassing behavior towards a woman, let them know they did something totally not cool. Like: "Actually, that woman had a right to be upset when you chased her down the street. She was completely accurate when she called it creepy" or "Hey, this story you're telling me about putting your dick on a drunk stranger's face at a party when she clearly didn't want it there but was too sleepy to fend you off, that was a totally not cool thing to do with your penis, bro." Teach every moldable male* mind (brothers, friends, sons) that treating women (humans) with respect is the right thing to do. Don't have sex with jerks. Don't blow them, don't give them a handjob, don't give them your phone number. If you hear a woman asking a man to leave her alone or calling attention to the fact that he's whacking off in the train station, add your voice to hers. Say "This is not ok. This is not cool. We see what you are doing and it is unacceptable."

*I'm focusing on the men here because I've never experienced or heard of a case of menacing street harassment by a female. I could be misinformed. Could be. Possibly.