Flair, we need to talk

English version below for my anglophone audience.

Beste redacteurs (m/v) van de Flair,

Jullie magazine torst al lang een dubieuze reputatie als het aankomt op welk beeld jullie de wereld in sturen van vrouwen en mannen. Jullie laatste wapenfeit in die droeve geschiedenis van clichés is '10 dingen die mannen moeten weten over ons', gepubliceerd op 11 juli 2013.

Ik snap dat verkoopcijfers belangrijk zijn en dat een ideologische lijn verwachten van een entertainmentblad misschien veel gevraagd is, maar als je wekelijks een lezerspubliek bereikt van 700.000, bestaat er ook zoiets als een journalistieke verantwoordelijkheid. Jullie denkbeelden beïnvloeden mensen.

Uit de '10 dingen' maak ik vooral op dat de persoon (opnieuw, m/v, want er staat geen naam onder) die dit artikel geschreven heeft, niet alleen alle vrouwen over dezelfde kam scheert als overgevoelige, jaloerse en onzekere kasplantjes, maar er ook van uit lijkt te gaan dat mannen een soort emotionele neanderthalers zijn.

Indien de auteur van '10 dingen' de puberteit nog moet bereiken, kan ik hem of haar veel vergeven. Indien dit een volwassen persoon is, vraag ik me af van wat voor planeet die afkomstig is (zeg niet Venus of Mars alsjeblieft, da's nog zo'n pijnlijk cliché).

In de Angelsaksische wereld bestaat er zoiets als 'cosmocking', waar de soms ronduit psychotische sekstips van de Cosmo gehekeld worden, die nog net niet het territorium betreden van "steek een bunsenbrander onder zijn anus, daar krijgt hij het lekker warm van!". Jullie zijn niet veel beter.

Het is niet alleen de eenzijdigheid van het man-vrouwbeeld dat storend is, het is ook dat het voorbijgaat aan duizenden mannen en vrouwen die elke dag wel eerlijk proberen communiceren, over de muren van onnozele clichés klauteren en liever hun eigen invulling wensen te geven aan romantiek.

Breder bekeken: er zit nooit echt een lijn in jullie visie op vrouwenzaken. Vijf artikels over ontharing, gezichtscrème, spectaculaire make-overs en hoe dames toch dat beetje vet kunnen wegwerken, volgen naadloos op het vieren van eten van ijs uit de doos. Als toemaatje kan er nog een artikel bij over hoe spannend overspel is, en dan nog met een Echte Man. In de volgende editie getuigt een lezeres over "die feeks die m'n man afpakte", en moet een man vooral een schotelvod zijn.

Ik heb vele fantastische vrienden en vriendinnen, en ik benader hen als individuen, niet als curieuze leden van andere diersoorten die zich allemaal op dezelfde manier gedragen. Ik vind het belangrijk dat mensen zelfzeker en sterk zijn, niet dat ze zich terugtrekken in bunkers van man- of vrouwclichés om hun onzekerheden te rechtvaardigen.

Als man denk ik dat ik mag zeggen dat ik een andere man die alle tien jullie tips zou opvolgen tot op de letter, een enorme griezel zou zijn. Niet alleen zullen dit soort tips mannen die nog altijd denken dat vrouwen mythische, onverstaanbare wezens zijn, inspireren tot ongelooflijk gênante daden, het zal een ander segment van het mandom ertoe aanzetten precies het omgekeerde te doen, en lekker hatelijk en grof te zijn tegen vrouwen, zodat ze kunnen claimen dat dat rebels is. Ik heb van beiden al voorbeelden legio gezien.

O, ik zal zeker niet beweren dat mannenbladen vrijuit gaan in het promoten van ongezonde ideeën en clichés over de geslachten. Alleen koesteren die minder pretenties: het zijn seksistische bladen die grossieren in macho-onderwerpen.

Het probleem is jammer genoeg dat Flair aan een cultuur blijft meewerken die vrouwen nog steeds obsessief wil laten bezig zijn met hun uiterlijk, het behagen van mannen en, uiteindelijk, het in stand houden van de status quo tussen de seksen. Die status quo valt de dag van vandaag nog steeds negatief uit voor vrouwen. Daar ligt het echte pijnpunt.

Zeg alsjeblieft niet "we beschrijven de dingen zoals ze zijn". Jullie werken er aan mee. Jullie houden ze in stand. Jullie maken mensen - en voornamelijk jullie eigen publiek - onzeker met luie journalistiek en verkoopzucht.

Met vriendelijke groeten,
Anton

***

Note for English-speaking readers: Flair magazine is a little like Cosmopolitan (although we have that one here as well), but mainly for the Belgian and Dutch markets.

Dear Flair editors

Your magazine has long had a questionable reputation in terms of the image you're broadcasting about women and men. Your latest addition to that sad history of clichés is '10 things men ought to know about us', publish on July 11, 2013.

I understand sales figures are important and that expecting ideological consistency from an entertainment magazine is a tall order, but if you reach an audience of 700,000 readers every week, you've got to take some deontological responsibility. Your ideas and articles really influence people.

The lesson I'm learning from '10 things' is that its author draws all women as hypersensitive, jealous, insecure and frail with one broad stroke, and at the same time, seems to assume men are some sort of emotional neanderthals.

If the writer of '10 things' hasn't reached puberty yet, I'm prepared to forgive them a lot. If it's an adult person, I'm wondering what kind of planet they're coming from (please don't say Venus or Mars, that's another one of those painful clichés).

The Anglo-Saxon world has a thing called 'cosmocking', which skewers the at times genuinely psychotic sex tips found in the Cosmo. Some of those are barely an inch away from "light a Bunsen burner under his arse to make him all hot and bothered". You're not doing a much better job.

Broadly speaking, there's no real coherence in your vision on women's issues. One edition can have five articles about depilation, facial cream, spectacular make-overs and how women can lose their last ounces of fat, followed by an article describing the joys of eating ice cream straight from the box. As an afterthought, one edition celebrates how exciting adultery is with a Real Man, while next edition features a teary testimonial about "the witch that stole my husband", and somebody else saying men should be damp rags.

It's not just the one-sided image of men and women that bothers me, it's also denying that thousands of men and women try to communicate honestly with each other every day, attempt to scale the steep walls of stereotypes, and would rather decide for themselves what it means to be romantic.

I have a lot of fantastic male and female friends, and I approach them like individual people, not like curious members of other species. For me, it's important people are self-confident and strong, not that they lock themselves up in a fortress of gender clichés to justify their insecurities.

As a man, I also think I'm allowed to say that I think a guy who'd actually follow through on all ten tips would be a giant creeplord. Not only will these tips inspire men who still believe women are mythical, uninintelligible creatures to acts of supreme embarrassment, they will also inspire another segment of men to do the exact reverse. You know, the type who thinks it's edgy and rebellious to be hateful and rude to women. I've seen plenty of examples of both.

Oh, I certainly won't say that men's mags are exempt from criticism when it comes down to promoting unhealthy stereotypes about the sexes. The difference is that they're less pretentious about it. They're sexist magazines with macho subjects.

The trouble is that Flair keeps contributing to a culture that wants women to be obsessively preoccupied with the way they look, how they can best please men, and keeps contributing to a culture that wants to maintain the status quo between genders. That status quo is still a net loss for women today. There is the real issue.

Please don't say "we're just saying how it is". You're helping in creating it. You're maintaining it. You're making people - especially your own audience - insecure with lazy journalism and commerce.

Best regards,
Anton

The myth of the man-beast

Mealy-mouthed crusaders of Internet misogyny, better known as 'Men's Rights Activists' or MRAs, sometimes complain that thanks to feminism, men have gotten a questionable reputation of beastly savages unable to contain their primal instincts of murder and rape. 

As usual, MRAs blame feminism for something that men actually have another group to blame for: patriarchy, and by extension, themselves.

Earlier, I wrote about how the idea of what it means to be a man or how you can define yourself as a man, is a trap. It's always going to end up being restrictive.

That doesn't mean that we shouldn't combat clichés. All too frequently, men (and some women) invoke their so-called inherent primal nature to justify violence, stupidity and generally inappropriate sexual behaviour. But, let's not forget that no proof has ever been offered for arguments made by evolutionary psychology. Even if they were true, they are no excuse. We have managed to get ourselves potty trained, too. No one will defend shitting in the street because it's something animals would do or our ancestors might have done.

Let's become aware of some damaging internalised ideas and behaviour:

• Men are taught that displaying grief, pain, fear or in some cases affection is a sign of weakness. However, getting in touch with the full range of human emotions and how to express them leads to a richer experience in life and makes it easier to relate to others, ultimately improving overall life satisfaction.
• Men are taught that they should dominate others, especially women, either as benevolent protectors or as predators. Letting go of that social imperative produces more egalitarian relationships and less frustration for not meeting goals that might not even contribute to your happiness.
• Men are taught that subtlety, nuance, caution and a fine command of language is a sign of indecisiveness and weakness. However, by getting a grasp on the shades of grey that are simply a part of life, understanding of how the world works deepens, and leads to decisions that are better-argued, with better outcomes.
• Men are taught that verbal or physical violence is an acceptable answer in many situations. By restraint and resorting to violence only as a very last resort, situations are less likely grow out of control and breed lasting resentment.
• Men are taught not to say sorry or sincerely apologise. By learning to admit mistakes, you become more honest with yourself and more open in your dealings with others.
• Men are taught that they are or should be sexually insatiable and incapable of long-term monogamy, conflicting with the other essentialist view of women seeking the comfort of a long-term sexual relationship. An individual approach to sexuality that depends more on what a person wants for themselves instead of feeling pressured to do what they think they are supposed to do will lead to improved relationships and a better sex life.
• Men are taught that some, if not most women, are there to be ogled and in some cases harrassed and assaulted for crossing some arbitrary line of decency, while at the same time not desiring sex. Breaking this mental dichotomy and viewing women as individuals with individual desires, moulded by social pressure just like you are, leads to less generalising and essentialism.
• Men are taught that some occupations are manly and some are not. The more equal the gender ratio becomes in a line of work, the better the decisions are that get taken.
• Men are taught that minorities and women are often out to get them or have a secret desire to oppress them. Realising that minorities and women have legitimate grievances resulting from centuries of systematic oppression that still exist today, but are invisible to you, will make you realise that progress is not a zero-sum game. Others' rights do not infringe on yours.
• Men are taught that no sometimes means yes. By instead going for enthusiastic consent, you can be sure that partners are into it just as much as you are. The risk of ignoring boundaries is not worth it.

Now, as a last point, it is obviously true that the things men are taught can be and will be enforced by some women as well. This can be frustrating, but you should realise that women can be influenced and immersed in patriarchy just as much as men. Changing some women's binary gender thinking is not your job, but you can at least make a difference for other men.