About 'Alpha+Good'

Alpha+Good (a bad wordplay on Orwell's "double plus good" and old machismo - I'm the realest after all) is a side project that belongs to 'Onklare taal' ('Unclear' or 'Unripe language'), the umbrella of several literary projects in Dutch.

This section is almost exclusively in English and comprises my ongoing thoughts on progress, gender, politics and various other social themes. Why is this in English why everything else in Dutch? Because I want to gun for a much wider audience here. Also, my literary English isn't good enough, otherwise I would always write in English. In 2020, I released my debut novel 'Fragmentariërs' (it's written in Dutch, though who knows I may one day make an English translation).

Are you a little lost? This link will take you right back to my home page.

Sunday, March 26, 2023

Eurovision Song Contest 2023: Previews, reviews and predictions (part II)

This is the second part of a twofer where I discuss my opinions and predictions on Eurovision 2023. Drop down the blog for my first part on generalities and Semi-Final 1.


Semi-final 2

Denmark

Language: English
Quick description: Gen Z bedroom pop with a dash of Charli XCX
What came before? Denmark has generally been on a downward trend since winning the ESC for the last time in 2013.
Best Danish result so far: Won twice (2000, 2013), came 2nd once (2001) and came 3rd two times (1988, 1989).
Opinion: While 'Breaking my heart' is a fine pop song, its Gen Z sensibilities and presentation will turn off some older audiences, even if there's nothing wrong with the track. Some people are just inter-generational curmudgeons. Apart from that, nothing about is particularly bold, inventive or engrossing, and the heavily processed vocals could be a problem to get right live. Gen Z voters could also stay away from the track for feeling too much aimed at them.
Biggest competitor: Superficially, perhaps Greece's "pretty boy", but they live in wildly different genres and Greece has the better vocalist. In terms of jiving with the 2023 spirit, Armenia has a better offering and has more wind under their wings.
Prediction: Not qualifying.
Shot at winning: 0%.

Armenia

Language: English, Armenian
Quick description: Caucasus hyper-pop ballad
What came before? With three exceptions, ever since Armenia's first participation in 2006, they've qualified for every Grand Final. While Rosa Linn only came 20th in 2022's Grand Final, her song exploded all over the world through TikTok later.
Best Armenian result so far: 4th in 2008 and 2014.
Opinion: The enfranchised ESC audience expects a lot from Armenia. They understand it would really like to win the Contest sooner rather than later, and their cards don't look bad at all. A lot will depend on Brunette's live performance, but at least the production sounds smooth and very much "now", and it also helps that Brunette herself is conventionally very charismatic and attractive but seems smart enough to sort of downplay these factors that speak for themselves.
Biggest competitor: If voters consider Armenia's entry neutrally, its biggest competitor is likely Iceland. If not, then it would be Georgia. Either entry is also pretty well-crafted, so it will be tough, but they could also lift up each other.
Prediction: Qualifying.
Shot at winning: 1%, if Brunette displays an amped-up version of her stage presence.

Romania

Language: English, Romanian
Quick description: Strip club jazzrock
What came before? Romania has been consigned to the lower-middle of the pack for over a decade now, despite some really brave attempts to storm the top of the mountain. There's also been a spate of bad luck, e.g. Roxen's much-vaunted 'Amnesia' was probably too ambitious in terms of staging, and Cézar's incredible 'It's my life' likely a bit too avant-garde for its time (although it is now a cherished part of ESC history).
Best Romanian result so far: 3rd in 2005 and 2010.
Opinion: Judging by how the track was performed in its national selection, I feel this is a huge step back from Romania's recent entries. Its Contest staging will need to put in a lot of work to make this track more palatable. 'D.G.T.''s production feels at once grating and undercooked and the vocals give me a strong vibe of a young man pretending to be a much older man. That is to say nothing of the gratuitous staging. If there is a connection to the song's content, it's clearly not visible, and gratuitous lingerie hasn't been a crowd-draw at ESC since 2006 at least, if ever.
Biggest competitor: San Marino, although that entry isn't particularly good either, so both might in fact drag each other down.
Prediction: Not qualifying.
Shot at winning: 0%.

Estonia

Language: English
Quick description: Classic ballad
What came before? Estonia seems to finally have run out of telegenic, hot men to send to Eurovision.
Best Estonian result so far: Won in 2002, 3rd in 2003.
Opinion: It's hard to judge this track. While classic ballads such as this one haven't performed very well in the last 15 years, they still enjoy a significant fan base. Also, if staged well, Alika can definitely bring one of those typical "powerful vocal" moments that could make it stand out a good deal. Last year, Poland's 'River' proved that there is still room for sincere and powerful ballads supported by classically-trained singers, but that their appeal may ultimately be limited.
Biggest competitor: Cyprus. Lithuania, to some extent.
Prediction: Qualifying, then ending up in the upper right side of the table.
Shot at winning: 0%.

Belgium

Language: English
Quick description: 2010s house pop
What came before? Disclaimer - I am Belgian. Anyway, Belgium's recent ESC history has been spotty, which isn't helped by the annual switch between Flemish and Walloon broadcasters selecting an entry. Still, there is a kooky legacy image with Telex, Pas de Deux and Urban Trad, who proudly continued Belgium's tradition of surrealism writ large.
Best Belgian result so far: Won in 1986, came 2nd in 2003, but also came last 8 times.
Opinion: While unfortunately appearing as the wish.com version of Boy George, Gustaph lives and breathes Eurovision. He might benefit from a bump if flanking performances are slow ballads or artsy stuff and if the staging is good. Also, nothing about the song is particularly bad or offensive, whereas e.g. Romania and Poland are taking more risks. Given that Semi-Final 2 is the weaker of the two, he has a decent chance at progressing.
Biggest competitor: In terms of genre: no one. In terms of energy: Greece, Iceland, Poland, Slovenia.
Prediction: Qualifying, but barely. Then left stranded in the right half of the Grand Final's table, possibly even in last position.
Shot at winning: 0%.

Cyprus

Language: English
Quick description: Howling power ballad, equal parts Ochman and Duncan Lawrence
What came before? Many people are aware Cyprus would really like to win the ESC one day. At the very least, they usually put in the effort, even if results are often not commensurate.
Best Cypriot result so far: Came 2nd in 2018. Cyprus holds the record for most performances without a single win - standing at 39 years now.
Opinion: If Estonia's Alina is Ochman's technical successor, Andrew is his spiritual one, though I find his offering a bit more immediately engaging and bigger. More so than with other entries, a lot is riding on the quality of his live vocal, but he is certainly already blessed with charisma and good looks. Let's hope Cyprus doesn't repeat their static, messy staging mistakes from 2022, which likely cost Andromache a place in the finals.
Biggest competitor: Estonia and to a lesser extent Greece. Quality-wise I think Cyprus beats both though.
Prediction: Qualifying, unless Andrew's vocal falters.
Shot at winning: 0%.

Iceland

Language: English
Quick description: Chase & Status-inspired power pop.
What came before? Iceland has been more willing to experiment than other Scandinavian countries, sometimes to their detriment. They have generally been re-cast into a favourable spotlight with the general audience after - believe it or not - 2019's divisive but uncompromising Hattari.
Best Icelandic result so far: Came 2nd in 1999 and 2009.
Opinion: While a considerably safer entry than what Iceland has put out since 2019, 'Power' has infectious energy and a performer who sells the package. It doesn't try to be too cute or clever, and while all elements are there for a good show, the current version feels a little rough around the edges still. I'm not sold on the "teenage girl dancing around in her bedroom" choreo routine. It's endearing, for sure, but not a winner.
Biggest competitor: In terms of messaging, Poland, but Poland's entry looks even more like a cynical ploy compared to this. The British entry is also a bit similar.
Prediction: Qualifying.
Shot at winning: 1%, if the favourites falter and this track's staging is vastly improved.

Greece

Language: English
Quick description: Post-punk-tinged singer songwriting with equal parts Ed Sheeran and Tom Odell.
What came before? Greece's latter-day performances have been pretty inconsistent. The wave they rode on from 2001 to 2013 (barring some darker spots) seems to have abated, with the country relegated to middling status. The past two years have seen an upward trend again, however, mostly by embracing more conventional Western pop-rock.
Best Greek result so far: Won in 2005. Came third in 2001, 2004 and 2008.
Opinion: Like the two entries that preceded it, Victor Vernicos's entry doesn't feel very Greek, no matter how nebulous that qualification is. However, it's also fishing in that same pond of very "now" pop-trendiness with gusto and might prove once and for all that Greece certainly shouldn't limit itself to Balkan bops or traditional Greek music. 'What they say' is very radio-friendly, features very slick production and has a charismatic young performer at the helm.
Biggest competitor: Denmark has similar "now" sensibilities and Slovenia exudes a similar youthful energy, but I think Greece bests both. Their entry is more broadly accessible than Denmark's, and has more personality than Slovenia's.
Prediction: Qualifying.
Shot at winning: 1%, if the stars align and the absolute favorites don't deliver.

Poland

Language: English
Quick description: A Paris Hilton summer bop from Poland
What came before? Poland has had a bit of a jobber image for the past 15 years at the contest, with entries all over the place, but rarely ending up in a good place.
Best Polish result so far: 2nd place in 1994, on their very first participation.
Opinion: A lot has been said about this track, and most of it not terribly nice on account of suspected foul play during its national selection as well as Blanka's flat, nasal and halting performance at the national finals. Judging it by its current best version (the official video), I feel the chorus has enough bubblegum and cuteness to make it memorable, but the rest is kind of forgettable. I'm unfortunately reminded of Malta's 2022 entry, which featued a similarly upbeat track with a conventionally pretty performer, but felt more like a Junior Eurovision entry in terms of both message and quality, without wanting to disparage the junior performers. If Blanka's staging and performance remain sub-par, she might even be destined for ignominy.
Biggest competitor: Belgium and Slovenia, maybe, but both feel more mature and polished.
Prediction: Not qualifying.
Shot at winning: 0%.

Slovenia

Language: Slovenian
Quick description: Look, it's LPS again, but they've grown older!
What came before? While not outright losing in the Grand Finals, Slovenia's record is a pretty bleak one. They don't carry the best image to ESC, and frankly never did.
Best Polish result so far: 7th two times (1995, 2001).
Opinion: Every edition, there are one or two tracks hyped by the in-crowd that don't only leave me cold, but I can't understand the hype at all. 'Carpe diem' is that track for 2023. Some people talk about how relieved they are that Joker Out brings genuine energy compared to LPS's dud last year (last place in the semis), but I honestly think this one isn't much better. It even has a similar 'forgettable all-male pop band of young guys vibe'. There's no way it stands out.
Biggest competitor: Maybe Belgium or San Marino, but San Marino sells the rock part better and Belgium's entry feels more ready for a Friday night.
Prediction: Not qualifying.
Shot at winning: 0%.

Georgia

EntryIru - Echo
Language: English
Quick description: Ethnic-inspired 'go big' 
What came before? If anything, Georgia tends to swing for the fences uncompromisingly (avant-garde house, angsty art rock, angry warrior songs, political disco, circus cabaret - basically Georgia has served up the entire traditional back catalogue of ESC in one speed run!). That deserves accolades, but the general audience hasn't been buying it. 
Best Georgian result so far: 9th twice (2010, 2011).
Opinion: Like Germany and Slovenia, I feel that by now Georgia's terrible reputation has become its own millstone. However undeserved that reputation I feel is and I think history will be far kinder to Georgia, I like Iru's entry. If the staging and performance is as impressive as the video clip suggests, it will be an eye-catching song that elevates on its more traditional 'ethnic' sound. The only minor quibble I have is that Iru's vocals are nigh-unintelligible. 
Biggest competitor: Albania, but I find Georgia's entry fresher.
Prediction: Qualifying, and hopely better than 9th place in the Grand Finals.
Shot at winning: 0%.

San Marino

Language: English
Quick description: Pop rock
What came before? While I'm convinced San Marino's participations are a ploy by the microstate's Office of Tourism, lately they have seemed to become more serious about maybe winning. With only 3 qualifications out of 13 performances, things don't look very encouraging, unfortunately. 
Best Sammarinese result so far: 19th in 2019. Yeah.
Opinion: 'Like an animal' is a competently made rock track that packs some punch, disregarding the version of the song we got to see in advance, that was kind of muted in terms of audio mixing. While it doesn't share the brash camp energy of Achille Lauro's entry and doesn't feel like winner-bait like Senhit's 'Adrenalina' from 2021, it also doesn't have that much going for it.
Biggest competitor: Australia, which is leagues better at this with their entry, unfortunately.
Prediction: Not qualifying.
Shot at winning: 0%.

Austria

Language: English
Quick description: Quirky hipster pop with an intellectual edge
What came before? Three failed qualifications in a row have taken off a bit of the edge of Austria's lustre off of their 2014 victory and 2018 bronze medal. Austria is back firmly in the pack of generally sub-par contestants.
Best Austrian result so far: Won twice (1966 and 2014). Also came last 7 times, but the last time that happened was in 1991.
Opinion: I'm not personally a fan of this track. I find it a bit jumbled structurally and too lacking in substance. If you're going to make coy references to Edgar Allan Poe and Shakespeare's ghosts inhabiting your body, better make it either deep or funny, and this is neither to sufficient degrees. Still, it is a bold choice and the performers do not lack for energy. I could also be completely off base, seeing the positive response from the enfranchised audience. I was also dead wrong about Serbia's off-beat entry last year, and audiences lapped it up enthusiastically.
Biggest competitor: Maybe Romania in terms of zaniness, but Austria's entry is much more mature.
Prediction: Not qualifying.
Shot at winning: 0%.

Albania

Language: Albanian
Quick description: Wailing Balkan power pop.
What came before? While Eurovision's enfranchised audience has embraced Albania as one of those countries that offer entries truer to their native culture, this has never translated into good results, with a pretty spotty qualification record.
Best Albanian result so far: 5th in 2012.
Opinion: A lot will depend on this entry's staging and performance. I unfortunately feel like this entry is stuck in an early 2000s mindset where Balkan pop and power ballads were relatively new and felt authentic to the Eurovision audience. 'Duje' doesn't do anything unexpected, and similar entries in recent years haven't performed well, either. Its saving grace could be it's now the only entry in its lane, where it might have faced competition from similar entries from Turkey or Montenegro earlier.
Biggest competitor: Georgia.
Prediction: Qualifying.
Shot at winning: 1%, if the stars align and the absolute favorites don't deliver.

Lithuania

Language: English, Lithuanian
Quick description: Power ballad.
What came before? Lithuania has alternated decent years with years of not qualifying. I would say they are mostly regarded a mid-tier nation with occasional cracks at the sub-top.
Best Lithuanian result so far: 6th in 2006.
Opinion: Lithuania is often willing to switch it up and try new things. 'Stay' isn't one of these entries, and is the quintessential Eurovision power ballad. Nothing about the song is incompetent or too boring, but nothing really stands out (except the odd idiosyncrasy of the all-bronze outfit) either. If Estonia and/or Greece manage to elevate their material - and I think they musically have more to work with - I'm afraid of this one's chances.
Biggest competitor: Estonia and Greece.
Prediction: Qualifying, but barely and only on the back of a relatively weak Semi-Final.
Shot at winning: 0%.

Australia

Language: English
Quick description: Electropop meets power metal
What came before? Despite this only being Australia's 8th performance, their record so far is very impressive. Apart from the most hardened skeptics or casuals who believe Australia doesn't 'belong' in ESC, our friends from down-under have more than earned their keep, and it feels like it's only a matter of time until they win ESC. Part of me likes to believe Australia led the way for the UK to show them how it's done as an English-speaking nation to reinvent themselves at the Contest.
Best Australian result so far: 2nd in 2016.
Opinion: I don't think there's ever been an entry combining electropop and metal at Eurovision, not to mention any song that seems to meld both so effortlessly. The '80s power chords and ditto vocals shift into metal grunts and elevated power-pop singing with ease, and the chorus is an earworm to boot. This the good stuff.
Biggest competitor: In the Grand Finals: Germany, most definitely, but I think Australia's offering edges out Germany's for feeling fresher and even more out-of-the-box. It is possible that after out-Britting the Brits, Australia is now out-Germaning the Germans. What a country.
Prediction: Qualifying comfortably, then top 10.
Shot at winning: 8% if the stars align.

My qualifying prediction for semi-final 2:

  • Australia
  • Austria
  • Armenia
  • Belgium
  • Cyprus
  • Estonia
  • Georgia
  • Iceland
  • Lithuania
  • Slovenia

The Big Five and Ukraine

France

Language: French
Quick description: French jazz-pop
What came before? While results have largely been undewhelming for France in the past 20 years, the country still holds a lot of distinction because of its apparent refusal to bend to trends (even if this isn't really true). Like Spain, the United Kingdom and Germany, France has mostly been in a big funk, barring 2021's second place.
Best French result so far: Won 5 times (1958, 1960, 1962, 1969, 1977), came 2nd 5 times (1957, 1976, 1990, 1991 and 2021) and came 3rd 7 times (1959, 1965, 1967, 1968, 1978, 1980 and 1981).
Opinion: While the enfranchised audience seems to enjoy 'Évidemment' a lot, the same was true for most of their other recent entries, nearly all of which failed to perform well in the Grand Final. While the song has the typical French self-confidence and maturity going for it and it is well-produced, with a seasoned performer at the helm, it doesn't feel fundamentally different to many of their previous entries. Those didn't work well, and I fail to see how 'Évidemment' would change that. On a more personal note, I was very surprised that last year's 'Fulenn' garnered so few votes. Perhaps France is one of those countries trapped in the unenviable position of having to perform what the public at large expects of them, while that same public generally doesn't really like their performances, excepting Barbara Pravi's 2021 entry, which lost out only because Italy was even better at doing this.
Biggest competitor: Lithuania operates in a similar space, but France's entry looks more self-assured.
Shot at winning: 0%.

Germany

Language: English
Quick description: Glamour metal opera, or Lordi on a more LBGTQI vibe.
What came before? Germany's been on a long string of disappointing results with a kind of airy "throw things at the wall and see what sticks" vibe.
Best German result so far: Won twice (1982 and 2010), 2nd place 4 times (1980, 1981, 1985, 1987) and 3rd place 5 times (1970, 1971, 1972, 1994, 1999). They also came last 8 times. For a country with its pedigree of participations, results have mostly been very underwhelming since the early 1980s.
Opinion: For one, rock and metal have been fully rehabilitated at the ESC for a while now, and that's a good thing. Second, its an energetic track that embraces its own boldness and has a distinct identity, with a vocalist that is just as distinct and charismatic. If the campy and more glam rock stylings of the song gel together well with the screams and double basses, I think this will be a memorable performance worth talking about and voting for. Unfortunately, Germany has been the red-headed stepchild of the Contest in the public image for so long, it might get dragged down below its station due to the ESC baggage it carries.
Biggest competitor: Australia, for sure, but they could also lift each other up.
Prediction: By all rights, this should end up in the top half at least.
Shot at winning: 3%, if the performance blows everyone else out of the water.

Italy

Language: Italian
Quick description: Traditional Italian rock ballad
What came before? After re-entering Eurovision in 2011, Italy definitively buried the notion the Big Four (henceforth Five) don't perform well because people don't like them. They were just bad, and Italy called them out on it. With 10 out of 12 entries reaching the top 10 since their re-entry, Italy stand as one of the current-day Eurovision superpowers.
Best Italian result so far: Won 3 times (1964, 1990 and 2021), 2nd place 3 times (1974, 2011, 2019) and 3rd place 5 times (1958, 1963, 1975, 1987, 2015). 1958's third-placed 'Nel blu, dipinto di blu' is apparently also the world's most-covered song.
Opinion: Italy have been suffering from the 'Sweden Disease', in that their image as a Eurovision great will pull up even weaker entries, and I'm afraid this will come into effect here again. 'Due vite' feels like a weaker rethread of 'Fai rumore' combined with last year's 'Brividi'. As it stands, the staging looks uninspiring and the song itself is anything that could have participated in Eurovision from 1985 onwards. While its timelessness, quality vocal and good production will garner it votes, it will mainly have to count on its Italianness to carry it through.
Biggest competitor: Any of the power ballads that make it through to the Grand Finals.
Prediction: This might actually not perform all that well and end up bottom 5.
Shot at winning: 0%.

Spain

Language: Spanish
Quick description: A scorching Spanish flamenco elegy
What came before? After almost 20 years of languishing in the desert of near-bottom and bottom-tier entries, Spain surprisingly reinvented itself in 2022.
Best Spanish result so far: Won twice (1968, 1969), came 2nd 4 times (1971, 1973, 1979, 1995) and came 3rd twice (1984, 2022).
Opinion: Where to start. I am generally not a fan of Spanish entries into Eurovision. Most of them have been bad, boring or derivative. But just as surprised I was at Chanel's high-powered, charismatic performance last year, I am super-excited that Spain have chosen to continue their upward trajectory in terms of quality - and then some. 'Eaea' offers not only a devastating vocal performance that smartly blends electronic beeps and basses with traditional (but difficult) polyphony, the song eschews traditional pop track structures completely and offers a full-blown, hair-raising elegiac. I don't think understanding even a shred of Spanish is necessary to feel the raw emotion here, and if the internal selection's staging is anything to go by, we could be in for a real treat. The only possible downside I see is that the general audience might think it a bit too intense. However, I cannot see e.g. audiences in Southern Europe and the Balkans not liking this. 
Biggest competitor: There is nothing like it. In fact, it might riff off of the contrast with cooler and understated entries like Ukraine's.
Shot at winning: 10%.

Ukraine

Language: English
Quick description: Slick futurist hip-hop by way of 2008 Justin Timberlake
What came before? Ukraine is a current Eurovision superpower on par with Sweden and Italy. Its image looms large with even the casual Eurovision viewer, discounting the terrible war the country finds itself in. Ukraine is a country that seems to understand the modern Festival at its core. Since entering the contest in 2003, they have never not qualified for the Grand Final.
Best Ukrainian result so far: Won 3 times (2004, 2016 and obviously, 2022), came 2nd twice (2007, 2008) and 3rd once (2013).
Opinion: I have the impression 'Heart of steel' is flying deeply under the radar for many people. On the one hand, there are residual feelings of Ukraine "stealing" last year's contest (which I don't believe), on the other hand, 'Heart of steel' may sound a bit too small or underwhelming at first. However, there is nothing like it in the contest, the production is superb and its vibe is testament to a coherent pop vision of what it should be. 
Biggest competitor: Armenia and Israel occupy conceptually somewhat similar spaces, but even that is a stretch. We have never had really competitive hip-hop at ESC, and this could be it.
Shot at winning: 15%.

United Kingdom

Language: English
Quick description: Empowering girl-pop in the style of Mabel
What came before? While the UK had been a Eurovision laughing stock, culminating in back-to-back last places in 2019 and 2021 (the last of which even received the very first 'double nul' score), Sam Ryder's 2nd place last year completely revitalised the UK. Ryder's work is not to be underestimated, because at the time, British entries were suffering not just from bad quality, but also from simply being British.
Best British result so far: Won five times (1967, 1969, 1976, 1981, 1997), came 2nd 15(!) times (1959, 1960, 1961, 1964, 1965, 1968, 1970, 1975, 1977, 1988, 1989, 1992, 1993, 1998 and 2022) and 3rd 3 times (1973, 1980, 2002). The UK also came last 5 times (2003, 2008, 2010, 2019, 2021)..
Opinion: While Sam Ryder brought a mixture of Elton John and poppy David Bowie back to Eurovision to be celebrated as quintessential British music sensibilities, and with heaps of charisma to boot, Mae Muller seems to be taking a more modern approach but still in the same footsteps. I'm all the more glad for it, after almost 20 years of dull, fearful and silly crap that tried to engineer success for the biggest common denominator, while losing track of what makes British music so unique and popular across the world. 'I wrote a song' is both snappy and upbeat, with good production and an unmistakably Bri'ish spoken bridge I quite enjoy the sassiness of.  
Biggest competitor: If Iceland and Norway make it to the final, they operate in similar content territory, but Mae Muller's offering feels more self-aware and mature. I still think this will do well, likely even top 10. Let's hope the Britainassance continues.
Shot at winning: 8%.


My predictions for the Grand Final:

  1. Sweden
  2. Serbia
  3. Finland
  4. Czechia
  5. Spain
  6. Moldova
  7. Australia
  8. United Kingdom
  9. Ukraine
  10. Germany
  11. Netherlands
  12. Cyprus
  13. Iceland
  14. Armenia
  15. Georgia
  16. Austria
  17. Malta
  18. Italy
  19. Norway
  20. France
  21. Switzerland
  22. Azerbaijan
  23. Slovenia
  24. Lithuania
  25. Belgium
  26. Estonia



















Friday, March 24, 2023

Eurovision Song Contest 2023: Previews, reviews and predictions (part I)

Those who'd like to go straight to the previews and predictions can skip the preamble below (or preramble, if you will) and begin reading at 'ESC 2023's state of play'.

Hi, hello

It's been a while. For those people who used to read this blog wanting some backstory about my three-year posting hiatus on it, there's an explanation at the very end of the post ('About my posting hiatus').

For those just reading this blog for the first time: this is my English-language blog that I keep a bit separate from the rest (I'm a Dutch-language writer of fiction, non-fiction, poetry, opinion pieces and a bit of a general language creative, but I also hold an M.A. in English language and literature and started learning English when I was 8). I am from and still live in Belgium.

Eurovision, you and me

As I was born in 1983, my Eurovision memories go back a pretty long time. The first Eurovision song I can remember hearing is Johnny Logan's 'Hold me now', which he won the contest with in 1987 (and to date is the only person to have won it as a performer twice, 1987 cementing his second win). Because the live-event took place quite late in the evening, the first Eurovision show I was allowed to (partially) watch was the 1992 edition, and the 1993 edition was the first one I watched completely. This was both the time of Ireland's absurd winning streak and the Contest itself being increasingly viewed as old-fashioned and of questionable artistic merit. Still, it was an important annual televised event. At the turn of Dana International's 'Diva' winning the ESC in 1998, I actively began enjoying the increasingly campy nature of it.

This was also the onset of a few confusing editions where the ESC was trying to reinvent itself and also struggling with the glut of new contestants from Central- and East-European countries. As it coincided with my college years and Belgium became an on-and-off participant, I lost interest a little until Lordi's 'Hard rock hallelujah' firmly entrenched ESC's modern era as a spectacle full of outrageous performance, thickly-applied camp and diversity in 2006. I've never skipped an edition since, even if I had to watch it all by myself, because a majority among my friends still thought of the ESC as an unserious, unartistic affair at best, and a stodgy, boring waste of time at worst.

But we've come a long way. I believe that the past decade has been a new Golden Age for ESC. After maybe overdosing a little too much on the irony and weirdness (I'm looking at the rogue gallery here of Jedward, Dustin the Turkey, a long list of utterly embarrassing British entries, gratuitous appeal to sleaze, and Zdob și Zdub's first entry), the Contest eventually self-corrected. This coincided with the poptimism movement and the advent of music streaming, which tore down the walls of genre pigeonholing, elitism and allowed genuine artistic intent to become part of the ESC mix once more.

ESC 2023's state of play

Apparently, ESC 2023 has the lowest number of participating countries since 2014. Bulgaria, Montenegro and North Macedonia didn't come back, citing financial reasons. That may well be true, but none of these countries had many memorable entries, so a lack of success may have also played a role. None of the countries who dropped out of the Contest earlier have broken their absent streak, so we won't be seeing Hungary, Luxembourg, Monaco or Türkiye again, so all participating countries belong to our list of usual suspects. Also, the total number of participating countries is still a hefty 37.

In the run-up to the contest in January-February, response to the tracks already released was a bit lukewarm, with pre-game talk of 2023 becoming a weaker edition after 2021's quality year and 2022's strong (but not as strong) follow-up. With the final dozen or so entries being confirmed in March, it buried that notion. In fact, 2023 looks as strong, if not stronger than 2022, so I expect it to be a highly competitive edition.

Qualifying statements

Because of changes in the voting procedure, the EBU has introduced a new element of uncertainty: the international vote. I was kind of wary of the concept initially. Why should countries who don't or can't participate get a say in all of this? I've since turned around and understand that this is a good community-building measure and is also good for inclusivity. The Eurovision Song Contest has long since ceased to be just a thing by and for Europeans (oh hi Ozzies). Barring unforseen shenanigans, I also think it won't affect the ultimate outcome of the Contest a lot. Now, let's dive into the meat and potatoes and slather ourselves with gravy.

Semi-final 1

The first semi-final is the stronger of the two. Unfortunately, this will mean we will leave behind tracks that would have been deserving of a Grand Final performance, but it is what it is. It also means the SF1 top 3 is likely to contain the winner of the entire ESC, so if there is one semi to watch, I would recommend this one.

Norway

Language: English
Quick description: Yass queen slay pop
What came before? They may not like to hear it, but Norway is kind of Sweden's eccentric little brother. Barring 2016, they've made ever final since 2013, but before that lies a record littered with very, very mixed results. Still, lately they are known as a competent and quirky country that many Eurovision fans would at least consider as sub-top. That's a good thing.
Best Norwegian result so far: Won 3 times (1985, 1995, 2009). They also came dead last a staggering 11 times, which is still the ESC record.
Opinion: Despite the small hype surrounding this entry and the smooth production, I'm afraid that this entry suffers from being too engineered (much like Ireland's) to appeal to the LBGTQ+, feminist and camp fans. While a good performance would probably carry it into the finals, it will likely end up in the second half of the table there because of its ultimate superficiality. Empowering bops are certainly a way to go, but in recent years, most of them have had underwhelming performances (Croatia 2019, Malta and Azerbaijan 2021, Ireland 2022). A bad performance may relegate it to the likes of Albania's entry last year, which also had hype from enfranchised audiences but failed to deliver.
Biggest competitor: Israel.
Prediction: Qualifying, likely to end up in the left half of the table but not cracking top 10.
Shot at winning: 1%.

Malta

Language: English
Quick description: Hipster rockers
What came before? Malta's recent record is quite spotty. They have a faint echo of the United Kingdom and Ireland's latter-day troubles in often trying to engineer a winning entry but then falling quite short, though their results are not as abysmal as those of the British and the Irish.
Best Maltese result so far: Came 2nd twice (2002, 2005), and 3rd twice (1992, 1998) as well. It's one of those ESC countries that people seem to be sure they will win soon.
Opinion: 'Dance (Our own party)' speaks to the likely ageing audience of hipsters by blending mundanity with smooth production values yet retaining an aesthetic of awkwardness and homeliness. Their track is also very Internet-friendly and probably jives with what casual ESC viewers think the Contest is like these days. They basically bring an act that is a bigger, wider version of the so-awkward-it's-cool vibe of Daði og Gagnamagnið, which would have purportedly won ESC 2020 and came 4th in 2021. Personally: I don't like it a lot. To me, it feels all a bit contrived and wink-wink, nudge-nudge. Maybe not as overtly hipster-baiting as 2022's Citi Zēni for Latvia, but it does edge into that territory.
Biggest competitor: Portugal's entry has a similar energy even if it's musically very different.
Prediction: Qualifying, but not convincingly so.
Shot at winning: 0%

Serbia

Language: English, Serbian
Quick description: Sassy witch-house influenced by 'The Matrix' and anime
What came before? Serbia won the Eurovision Song Contest on its first entry as an independent nation in 2007, with Marija Šerifović's 'Molitva'. Serbia tended to do pretty well after, usually qualifying for the final, but their entries getting stranded there in the zone of mediocrity. However, Serbia is on an upward trajectory. Konstrakta's 'In corpore sano' did surprisingly well last year, demonstrating that a committed artistic entry that doesn't take its audience for idiots can perform.
Best Serbian result so far: Won once (2007), came 3rd once (2012).
Opinion: I'm not surprised Luke Black has some connections to last year's Konstrakta. They operate in the same art-pop area, though Luke Black slants more to the pop side of things. I think people who liked Konstrakta's entry will also like his, and he has a built-in audience of a younger crowd (under 40) who appreciate references to anime, 'The Matrix' and his finely-tuned sassiness as a performer. Serbia is sending a visually very appealing package with a confident performer who is very aware of Eurovision camp but just dips into it (seriously, his little laugh near the end!) instead of completely embracing it to hide a lack of substance.
Biggest competitor: Sweden's entry has some overlap with Serbia's, although Serbia's is darker. I also don't think they will be direct competitors in the semi because these are both acts with a fully-developed style and identity.
Prediction: Qualifying for the final, and top 10 position there, possibly even top 5.
Shot at winning: 15%. The only thing keeping Serbia's winning chances down is Sweden. It won't matter in the semis, but it will in the finals.

Latvia

Language: English, Latvian
Quick description: 2010s alt-rock
What came before? Latvia failed to qualify for the final for the 6 preceding years, and discounting 2015-2016, for another 5. Despite winning the Contest back in 2002, they now share the space with a couple of other countries with the label "unpredictable and possibly weird", often enjoyed by the in-crowd but less favoured by the general public. They share this space with e.g. Georgia, and Belgium used to be in this space in the 1970s and 1980s, but being a small and relatively lesser known country doesn't help their case. Latvia's performance and staging is usually on point, though, which can't be said about Georgia and Belgium.
Best Latvian result so far: Won once (2002), came 3rd on their first participation in 2000 (which may have set the tone for "lovably quirky").
Opinion: One of the reasons I spent so much words on 'What came before' is because I tend to sympathise with Latvia's entries - well-produced, sometimes out-of-the-box, sometimes duds, and this entry in particular is both polished and aimed at alt rock-loving audiences who are looking for a more authentic performance (also the rumbling claps reminded me a lot of some of Moderat's work). I think Sudden Lights' performance will depend on Europe's mood a lot during the first semi.
Biggest competitor: Maybe the Netherlands. If they make it into the finals, Germany.
Prediction: This won't be a popular darling, I'm afraid, but they have a very solid chance at qualifying.
Shot at winning: 2%.

Portugal

Language: Portuguese
Quick description: Electroswing meets Iberian folk-bop
What came before? Portugul is still riding the ripples of their win in 2017 but later entries seem to have fallen back into the fold of middling results.
Best Portuguese result so far: Won once (2017). Portugal also came last 4 times, though (1964, 1974, 1997 and 2018).
Opinion: 'Ai Coração' is a very now Eurovision-y entry, for lack of better words, displaying authenticity, cheekiness and a recognisable form of ethnicity without going overboard on any of these things. Despite the performance's energy, I find the song itself kind of middling ESC fare that many people will like but fewer will actually love.
Biggest competitor: None really in the semi (barring maybe Azerbaijan and Israel), which is a good thing, but should Mimicat make the final, it'll likely fall flat against bigger, more engaging, more now and more ethnic productions.
Prediction: Ultimately not qualifying.
Shot at winning: 0%

Ireland

Language: English
Quick description: Lab-grown ESC rock with a positive message
What came before? The days of Ireland being a Eurovision juggernaut are long past us. Barring a few bright spots in 2000, 2006 and 2011, Ireland has consistently performed poorly. Even when it did make it into the finals, it got destroyed there, becoming last in 2007 and 2013, and also becoming last in the semis in 2019 and 2021.
Best Irish result so far: Won 7 times, which is still the Contest's record (1970, 1980, 1987, 1992, 1993, 1994 and 1996). In addition, singer Johnny Logan is known as Mr. Eurovision on account of winning the contest two times as a performer (1980 and 1987) and one time as a producer (1992). Lastly, Ireland came 2nd 4 times (1967, 1984, 1990 and 1997). I will never forgive Ireland for unleashing Riverdance on the global public, though.
Opinion: These aren't the droids you're looking for. While in the past 15 years or so, the general ESC audience has dunked on the United Kingdom for sending uninspired, tone-deaf or plain bad entries, Ireland has actually suffered from much the same issues and seems to be caught in a similar vicious cycle. Wild Youth's entry is certainly a competently made song and nothing about it is bad or controversial, but it is stuck in its own idea of engineering for Eurovision. Added to that, Ireland has had some staging issues in the past few years, which unfortunately diminished the inherent quality of the contestants they've sent. While I have the impression the staging will at least be decent this time, the song itself seems to be a relic from the 2000s batch of genetically enhanced pop-rock songs aimed at the broadest possible audience.
Biggest competitor: Malta and Switzerland, but the former is more fun and the latter more sincere.
Prediction: Not qualifying.
Shot at winning: 0%

Croatia

Language: Croatian
Quick description: A mixture of drag, cabaret and low-brow street theatre
What came before? Croatia hasn't had the best Eurovision results. It hasn't reached a top 10 result for 22 years and has failed to progress to the final 9 out of 13 times since 2010. The country is clearly in an extended ESC tailspin, and while it came very close to qualifying for the final several times with interesting packages like Albina in 2021, it just never gelled and Croatia are unfortunately regarded as bottom-tier ESC competitors.
Best Croatian result so far: 4th place twice (1996 and 1999).
Opinion: This entry competes with Poland for the worst entry of the 2023 edition in my opinion. Both seem to be flashbacks to the early 2000s era, but different aspects of it. In Let 3's case, they hearken back to the days of camp edgelording and tread the line between serious and unserious, which could be forgiven if the song was appealing in any sort of way. Which is not the case. It's more performance than music, but the performance that I've seen from the official release looks messy and incoherent, like a carnival after-party with drunk revelers slapping on shoddy costumes and cheap wigs at the local bar. Whatever message Let 3 is trying to convey is lost in a mess of a poorly produced track, and worse, because it is sung entirely in Croatian, it is also literally lost on anyone not from ex-Yugoslavia.
Biggest competitor: Viewers who love irony and camp will likely be drawn more to Finland.
Prediction: This will not survive the semis, unless the public is in a big contrarian mood and ends up both pushing Finland and Croatia.
Shot at winning: 0%

Switzerland

Language: English
Quick description: Anti-war power ballad
What came before? Switzerland's recent entries have had mixed results to say the least, in part because of the engineering problem I pointed out earlier for other countries.
Best Swiss result so far: Won twice (1956, 1988), came 2nd three times (1958, 1963, 1968) and came 3rd 4 times (1961, 1982, 1993 and 2021). Switzerland also came last 5 times and was the first country to score 'nul points' in a Semi-Final with the now infamous Piero & The Music Stars' awful vocals, the lead vocalist slapping himself in the face with his microphone and his screechy, sinister laugh near the end.
Opinion: While a competently-made anti-war power ballad, it feels a little generic and could have been an entry from any country between 2010 and 2019. The song's general pacifist message may also not sit well with an audience gritting its teeth at "why can't we all get along"-media pieces about the Russo-Ukrainian war, but then again it might actually resonate with the audience that's tired of this war, as callous as it sounds. Remo Forrer has a warm voice with a lot of range, and staging could help him out a lot.
Biggest competitor: In a way, Czechia is Switzerland's opposite in this semi. The more the public likes Czechia's entry (which is better by degrees), the less likely it is for the Swiss to progress.
Prediction: Qualifying, but barely, and then getting relegated to the bottom tier in the Grand Final.
Shot at winning: 0%.

Israel

Language: English
Quick description: Girly power pop
What came before? Despite turning in mostly middling performances in the last 15 years (barring Netta's 'Toy'), Israel can still coast on a respectable pedigree and will always stand out if only because it is the only country located in Asia that performs in the Contest. This conspicuousness isn't all good, though, because it's also a lightning rod to attract attention to Israel's Apartheid regime, and raises more red flags every year, especially since Russia was banned in 2022. I dislike introducing politics into this post, but to not metion them is leaving the elephant in the room unmentioned. Also, unfortunately, last year's performer, Michael Ben David, probably was ESC's most disliked performer as a person due to his antics in the Green Room. On the musical side of things, Israel, again excepting Netta, have struggled more recently due to their glow of otherness and orientalism (which is a problematic concept in itself, but it is there) now being shared with other nations like the Caucasus and Balkan entrants.
Best Israeli result so far: Won 4 times (1978, 1979, 1998 and 2018), came 2nd twice (1981, 1982) and 3rd once (1991).
Opinion: Noa Kirel seems like a charismatic performer and the song is a well-crafted power pop affair, true to the tradition of excellent Israeli production. I do fear it may not stand out a lot, especially in this competitive first semi-final, and a lot will depend on her staging and performance. Israel tends to do staging well, though, so I wouldn't entirely write off Noa. Also, the creature flashed twice in her videoclip is a centaur, not a unicorn (unikirel?).
Biggest competitor: Norway and to an extent Portugal, but neither country has the millstone around its proverbial neck the way Israel does.
Prediction: Not qualifying, but barely. Or barely qualifying.
Shot at winning: 0%.

Moldova

Language: Romanian
Quick description: Balkan house bop
What came before? Moldova qualified for the Grand Final 12 out of 17 times since their first entry in 2005. The enfranchised ESC audience as well as the general public has come to recognise Moldova as a country with understated but clearly present ambitions to one day win the whole thing and sees e.g. Zdob și Zdub, Natalia Gordienko and SunStroke Project as Eurovision nobility. In addition, Moldova's staging tends to be free-spirited and infectious. The juries tend to be more cautious in their voting patterns, and outsiders still struggle with name-recognition, but Moldova is a consistent player in ESC's sub-top. I am quite confident that barring unforseen events, one day Moldova will win ESC within the next 15 years.
Best Moldovan result so far: 3rd in 2017.
Opinion: This is Pasha Parfeni's second Eurovision participation. While most other Balkan nations are shying away from the "typical" Balkan pop entries, Pasha is doubling down on it, but this is not some 2007 rehash. 'Soarele și luna' has slick production values and brings a more poppy offering to France's (unfortunately!) failed 2022 entry and Ukraine's top 5 banger from 2021. If the staging and performance are solid, which Moldova is known for, this could be a sleeper hit.
Biggest competitor: None, though they will face similar competition in the Grand Final.
Prediction: Probably qualifying, though it will depend on the voting public's mood. If they are in for Czechia's entry, they will also like Moldova's, which could ride its coattails.
Shot at winning: 1%.

Sweden

Language: English
Quick description: 'Euphoria' in a 2023 remake
What came before? Since 2011, Sweden replaced Ireland as the country to beat. While Sweden's dominance hasn't been as earth-shattering as Ireland's in the 1990s, perhaps them not winning it too often has resulted in a bit more sympathy from the audience. Also, Sweden's entries may not be avant-garde, but have a really good sense of Europe's musical taste.
Best Swedish result so far: Won 6 times (1974, 1984, 1991, 1999, 2012 and 2015), came 2nd once (1966) and 3rd 6 times (1983, 1985, 1995, 1996, 2011 and 2014).
Opinion: Loreen has a good chance of winning the whole thing (again), perhaps to the chagrin of contrarians. While it's true her 'Tattoo' musically riffs off of 'Euphoria', if she can bring the same energy, volume and art to the main ESC stage as she did in the finals of the Swedish selection contest, she is dead-on making the final. Musically, 'Tattoo' isn't very innovative, but its production and Loreen's stage presence lift it up several levels above other competitors. Also the lifting ceiling is a nifty staging trick.
Biggest competitor: Maybe Serbia.
Prediction: Loreen might win it all again.
Shot at winning: 30%.

Azerbaijan

Language: English
Quick description: early 2000s pop- and relaxing rock
What came before? Azerbaijan tends to send smart entries that are in tune with Eurovision's mood and temperature. Out of their 14 entries, only one missed finals qualification, and only by a hair's breadth. 
Best Azeri result so far: Won once (2011), came 2nd once (2013) and came 3d once (2009).
Opinion: Shamelessly ripping off Sixpence None the Richer's 'Kiss me' may not be readily noticeable to the younger audience, but to me it is. Still, that doesn't mean my generation of voters will dislike it. It's a competently-made entry that seems to have taken lessons from mortal enemy Armenia's 2022 entry 'Snap', but mellowed it down a little. It's nice. Not very inspiring, but nice and not bland.
Biggest competitor: The Netherlands, perhaps Portugal.
Prediction: I think this could qualify, if only on the back of Azerbaijan's reputation as a strong ESC country.
Shot at winning: 1%. If Europe is in the mood for another go at the Olsen Brothers 2.0, who knows! It's been 23 years and I'm still not over how mystifying it was seeing two old men with the charisma of a burnt-out campfire win ESC.

Czechia

Language: Bulgarian, Czech, English, Ukrainian
Quick description: Slavic feminism by way of harmonies and Kalush Orchestra
What came before? Czechia has yet to make any real impact on Eurovision, having only participated since 2007. Some of its entries received modest hype, but none of them have been truly memorable in a good way. We Are Domi's 'Where are you now' last year faced an uphill battle as a pure house track, but managed to push through on account of its sublime staging and basically vibing more with the crowd than Austria's entry that covered a similar space.
Best Czech result so far: 6th place in 2018.
Opinion: 'My sister's crown' feels like a genuinely-lived entry that luckily shies away from the 2018-2021 hipster stuff that mainly seemed like it was trying to copy Swedish productions. In other words, engineered. The hype surrounding it is positive and judging by the staging in the Czech national selections, it will make an impact. The only potential problem (and it's a big one) I see is that is riffs off of the vibe of Ukraine's winning entry last year. If Europe decides it's kind of tired of the folksy, dramatic and empowering Eastern European tracks, this may well fall flat on its face. In no way I mean to diminish Ukraine's continued suffering by saying this, but 'Stefania' did face minority opposition after its win by people who claimed it won only because of an alleged sympathy vote (I don't buy this, by the way).
Biggest competitor: Norway, perhaps. But Vesna's track feels much more intelligent, gripping and well-thought out.
Prediction: Qualifying for the final, and top 10 position there.
Shot at winning: 15% if Europe is still in the same mood as it was in 2022.

The Netherlands

Language: English
Quick description: Power ballad duet
What came before? The Netherlands have comfortably nested themselves into the top and sub-top spaces in the past 10 years, and are now experiencing a second ESC Golden Age after the 1970soften with country and singer-songwriter-like compositions that would likely score in the American Billboard charts. It's an old Belgian joke, but the Netherlands truly are Europe's America.
Best Dutch result so far: Won 5 times (1957, 1959, 1969, 1975 and 2019) and came 2nd once (2014) as well as 3rd once (1974). Duncan Lawrence is the only ESC winner to have held the title for two consecutive years, even on a technicality, but it would be unfair to say that's the only reason he's ascended to the Eurovision pantheon.
Opinion: This entry is the kind of stuff the Netherlands are very competent at, what with the meshing of country rock and ballad. It has a 'draw-you-in' kind of force just like S10's entry last year, but it might suffer a bit from a very competitive semi as well as ultimately sounding a little 2005-like by way of Kelly Clarkson. 15 years ago, this would have been a surefire top 5 contender in the Grand Final. Now? Not sure.
Biggest competitor: Latvia, maybe Switzerland.
Prediction: Likely qualifying on the back of the Dutch' recent raised profile with the general audience.
Shot at winning: 1%.

Finland

Language: Finnish
Quick description: Happy hardcore turns into Eurovision glam rock meets 'The Human Centipede' halfway
What came before? Finland recent ESC record has been spotty at best. While often qualifying for the Grand Final, they usually strand there unceremoniously. Finland has tried out all manner of genres, artists and vibes, but seems to score best with rock and metal, which is unsurprising, since the country has the highest density of metal bands per 1,000 inhabitants.  
Best Finnish result so far: Won once (2006) with fondly-remembered monster rockers Lordi, who arguably ushered in the prelude to ESC's current Golden Age. Finland has come dead last 9 times, only being beaten by Norway (11 times).
Opinion: 'Cha cha cha' pursues the manic energy of Russia's Little Big (even the frontman's haircut and moves are somewhat similar) which would have normally represented Russia in 2020 and hearkens back to the deliberately humorous and over-the-top-entries of the early 2000s, but with a better ear for composition and music. Käärijä is not here to make fun of anyone or to troll the audience, but to entertain it. As such, it wouldn't be right to dismiss Finland's entry as just "typical Eurovision" (though it very much is), and it would be more correct to put them in a similar space as Norway's Subwoolfer entry last year: jokey and quirky on the surface, but well-considered underneath.
Biggest competitor: For extremely casual viewers, maybe Serbia or Croatia. But Serbia serves a different audience, and Croatia's entry pales in comparison to Finland's showmanship and energy and doesn't come with the baggage of being a "message" song.
Prediction: Qualifying for the final, right side of the scoring board in the finals.
Shot at winning: 2% - if the stars align really, really well, the frontrunners turn in a tepid performance and a scandal breaks out.

My qualifying prediction for semi-final 1:

  • Azerbaijan
  • Czechia
  • Finland
  • Malta
  • Moldova
  • Netherlands
  • Norway
  • Serbia
  • Sweden
  • Switzerland

About my posting hiatus


Even as early as 2014, I got burnt out on writing satire and parody because locally (Belgium), I felt things had gone beyond the power of satire, as if reality had actually become satire, which German calls 'Realsatire'. Then, after 2016 happened and turned out to be a terrible year internationally (e.g. Donald Trump's ascendance to the United States presidency), I got turned off on writing about social justice, politics and culture in English almost permanently. This also coincided with my release of 'De Nieuwe Staat' ('The New State') in which I gave structure to my political thinking about a possible way forward for Western democracies. With this process finished, it didn't give me much of an incentive to continue posting separate ideas or thoughts about these topics here.

I did power through to end the '20 people I admire' series. Knowing what I know now, I would scrap the 9th entry (Hadley Freeman) and the 18th entry (Neil DeGrasse Tyson), the former on account of her joining the transphobic movement in the United Kingdom, and the latter because of his tone-deaf "well ackshually"-responses to ongoing debates that have now relegated him to being basically the American Richard Dawkins: a brilliant mind who doesn't know when to shut up. 

I did focus on pop culture stuff a little in the following years, but less so on social and political stuff, but I wanted to address this because I know my deconstruction of the toxicity of so-called Men's Rights Activism remains a popular topic on this blog, with a faint echo in the series 'Men at work'. If it offers some reassurance to readers of those series: my ideas on these topics haven't changed. I still think cishet (white) men are an important group to win over as allies for social justice movements and that is mainly if not fully the responsibility of progressive cishet (white) men. Especially so after I spent 2012-2015 deeply engaged with feminist and social justice movements and noticing that other cishet men within it mostly seemed to be there to validate women and be fellow travelers instead of going out and talking to other men.

Despite the manufactured moral panic about 'wokeism', which is an overblown rethread of the same old show reactionaries stage about any kind of progressive idea gaining traction, there also have been personal annoyances with progressive movements on my part. To name a few examples: a part of the far-left so ideologically bound to the idea the United States is imperialist that it contorts itself into defending Russia's genocidal invasion of Ukraine or at least pretending Russia's casus belli is somehow valid; the apparent refusal of some liberal feminists to acknowledge that "yass slay queen"-feminism is just skin-deep; or the age-old problem of centre-left people who still think reactionaries present real and honest concerns and arguments - they don't, they're just pretending. The latter topic especially might be food for an actual political blog later down the line.

Anyway. Be well, take care. I love you all.



Tuesday, June 09, 2020

Game of Thrones: the Killer Hit List (revisited)

2.5 years ago, I made a three-part post that was a ‘hit list’ of kills the various factions in ‘Game of Thrones’ racked up. While I had fully intended to revisit the piece after season 8, the season itself eventually turned up well short of expectations (especially after such a long wait), but I’m not here to wail about what could and perhaps should have been.

The only truly unfortunate thing is how quickly ‘Game of Thrones’ seems to have faded from public consciousness and that is has nothing to blame for it but itself. It doesn’t help that George R.R. Martin still seems to be languishing in an unending Sisyphean task to wrap up the book series he started about 25 (!) years ago.

As an aside, and yes, I can do that because this my personal soapbox, I think it’s awful that someone as talented and lucky as Martin has steadily been squandering all the chances he has been given. There are thousands of writers who would be prepared to murder someone for the breadth of his fandom, the insanely intricate and high-quality fan artwork he has inspired, and so on and so forth.

However, I am nothing if not unrelenting and I’ll see my own minor project through here. If you’re still wanting more, you can also go check out my Magic: the Gathering of Ice and Fire mash-up that I made, which actually attempted to sculpt a coherent, playable set instead of the usual subpar fare that struggles with basic templating and colour-wheel accuracy.

What counts as a kill and for who?

You could make endless subdivisions of factions, but I stuck with:

  • Westerosi Great Houses. Kills made by their bannermen and direct allies that aren’t of another Great House are attributed to their suzerain house. Exceptions to this rule are the short-lived Great Houses of Frey and Bolton (S3-S7), the newly minted Great House of Blackwater (S8) and Westerosi groups that hold no allegiance to a particular Great House, such as the Brotherhood Without Banners, the Night’s Watch or the Free Folk.
  • Houses that switch allegiances have their kills assigned to their new suzerain House as soon as they turn their cloak (e.g. House Umber, Tarly and Karstark). House Mormont is a vassal house of House Stark, but Jorah’s kills go to House Targaryen (he was exiled by the Starks anyway) and Jeor’s kills go to the Night’s Watch (because the Night’s Watch overrides any pre-existing legacy).
  • Even though they split, House Baretheon’s kills from and for all of their pretenders are counted together (S1-S5), though Joffrey’s count for the Lannisters because who are we kidding here. The same is true for House Greyjoy, which split between the red and black faction in S6.
  • I counted the Slavers’ Bay forces opposing Daenaerys as one faction, whether they are Astapori, Meereenese, Yunkish or Sons of the Harpy. Kills made by the Dothraki stop counting for them when the join Dany’s coalition in S6. ‘Natural causes’ such as old age and natural disasters are also lobbed together.
  • Other Essosi city-states are their own faction if they feature enough characters in the series that have speaking lines that don’t serve someone else instead. The Red Priests’ kills are attributed to the ruler they’re serving at the time other than R’hllor.
  • Destroying a wight or a White Walker counts as a kill, even if they’re both technically already dead, but not counting their own demises while counting the kills they make would be kind of weird, unless we also begin taking stock of who resurrected the most characters. That would be a very short list: the White Walkers would top it, with representatives of the Fire God at a very distant second, and then no one else.

Offscreen deaths are only counted if they're mentioned in the show. When taking into account big battles or massacres, I've deferred to either the show's wiki pages at the Game of Thrones Wikia, or when this information was hard to come by, I looked at the source novels by George R.R. Martin himself. If neither was possible, I made a guesstimate. Terribly scientific, I know.

 

#32. The Golden Company (N)

  • Kills? 0
  • Who? A mercenary army from Essos
  • Motto: “Our word is good as gold”
  • What should be their motto: “We had one job.”
  • Fate after S8: Obliterated

The Golden Company was touted as a superior fighting force, shipped in from Essos by Euron Greyjoy’s fleet and paid for by Cersei after plundering the Reach, paying back her debts to the Iron Bank in one fell swoop. It felt like a masterstroke at the time, but seeing as the Golden Company ignominiously went down without putting so much as a dent into the combined Targaryen-Stark-Arryn forces, their fall was both anticlimactic and one of the genuinely lugubriously funny moments of S8.

#32. House of the Three-Eyed Raven (N)

  • Kills? 0
  • Who? Formerly Brandon Stark, now the wheelchair-bound robot king of Westeros
  • Motto: unknown
  • What should be their motto: “Bleep bloop”
  • Fate after S8: Ruling the Six Kingdoms

Installing Bran as a compromise king, elected by peers rather than being decided through descent, doesn’t seem that dumb of a move seeing as he’s impartial and smart and has no sordid history with any other major player. However, succession is sure to look pretty messy. Will Bran appoint or search for a new Three-Eyed Raven himself, as he was chosen by his predecessor? Will the Great Houses convene again and elect their king? The latter seems like a recipe for disaster, and while his Small Council is now full of friends and allies who have known each other for a long time, no one knows what it will look like in the future. If Bran will live as long as his predecessor, at some point his Council will be filled with new people who don’t share a sense of camaraderie and joint sacrifices. Still, being responsible for 0 deaths (at least on-screen) is kind of an accomplishment on its own! For now.  

#32. House Blackwater (as Paramount House of the Reach) (N)

  • Kills? 0
  • Who? Bronn, everyone’s favourite mercenary, now in charge of the Reach
  • Motto: unknown
  • What should be their motto: “There’s no cure for being a cunt.”
  • Fate after S8: Ruling the Reach

Bronn is perhaps the biggest ‘winner’ to come out of the War of the Five Kings and the War of the Two Queens. There’s no deaths we know he’s responsible for after the demise of Daenaerys, but it seems unlikely Bronn’s rule over the Reach will be without its, ah, thorns, so to speak. Still, well done, buddy. But invest in some god-damned shampoo, you can afford it now.

#32. The Iron Bank and Braavos (-5)

  • Kills? 0
  • Who? The Switzerland of Essos
  • Motto: “The Iron Bank will have its due.”
  • What should be their motto: current one’s fine
  • Fate after S8: Presumably still banking

The Iron Bank is a dreaded institution for its ability to back hostile armies or contract killers like the Faceless Men if people are likely not to pay their debts. Still, they do not kill any people in the series. I doubt they’re happy with Bran the Broken as king. Sure, he seems to have brought stability, but since he knows everything, outwitting him or forcing his hand in ponying up debts looks pointless.

#28. The Lhazareen (-2)
  • Kills? 1
  • Who? A pastoral people from South-East Essos
  • Motto: unknown
  • What should be their motto: a progressively higher wail as they go up in flames
  • Fate after S8: Unknown, but likely not a pleasant one

Derisively called the 'Lamb Men' by the Dothraki, they live up to their soft reputation by boasting the lowest kill count higher than zero. Yet, their one kill is a big one: the witch Mirri Maz Duur is saved from being raped and killed by the Dothraki by Daenaerys, and repays the favour by turning a sick Khal Drogo into a bed-ridden, comatose shell of his former self. Even if Dany herself ends up mercy killing Drogo, it's clear who got the ball rolling.

#27. Free animals (-)

  • Kills? 3
  • Who: Just animals. Not direwolves or dragons.
  • Fate after S8: Being animals

I made a miscalculation in my previous rundown on this list. Yes, a stag kills Robert Baratheon and another stag kills a direwolf, but I forgot the stag that killed the direwolf also didn’t survive the encounter. Symbolism, y’all. Also any faction that ranks after animals, except those that are very new or explicitly pacifist, are losers. Just saying.

#26. The Faceless Men (-)

  • Kills? 10
  • Who? An order of religious assassins operating from the city of Braavos in Essos
  • Motto: “Valar morghulis. Valar dohaeris.”
  • What should be their motto: “Not today.”
  • Fate after S8: Still out there at Braavos

Despite being a heavily talked-up faction and possessing a supernatural prowess at killing and remaining unseen, the show's tally of kills from the Faceless Men remains rather low. But that's what they'd want you to believe, no? Their finest moment is when Jaqen H'gar helps Arya Stark escape Harrenhall and conveniently, sneakily kills a few Lannister soldiers. Arya’s kills don’t count for the Faceless Men – she was never truly loyal to the House of Black and White.

#25. Commoners (-)

  • Kills? 15
  • Who? The proletariat
  • Motto: none
  • What should be their motto: *sound of manure hitting Joffrey’s face*
  • Fate after S8: Not being burnt to a crisp anymore by dragonfire or returned from the dead to fight for the Night King. Progress!

Though they mostly remain an anonymous mass of dirt-caked faces, the commoners have shed their fair amount of blood, ranging from the Riot of King's Landing when the unsufferable Joffrey gets hit with shit to the alleyway kills the former slaves make on their masters when liberation from Dany's forces is imminent in Meereen.

#24. House Martell (-)

  • Kills? 16
  • Who? The Great House of Dorne, the southernmost of Westeros' Six Kingdoms
  • Motto: “Unbowed, unbent, unbroken.”
  • What should be their motto: “I am Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”
  • Fate after S8: They have a new Prince! We never learnt his name! He doesn’t matter!

House Martell appears to be all talk and no action. Even worse, part of their paltry kill score is killing their own, with the Sand Snakes and Ellaria's power grab. They also managed to kill a teenage princess and a captain buried to his neck in the sand. Seven hells, even supreme cool guy Oberyn couldn't fully kill the Mountain and got his head bashed in instead.

#23. The Qartheen (-2)

  • Kills? 21
  • Who? The city of Qarth is a rich trade city in the south of Essos
  • Motto: unknown
  • What should be their motto: “Come for the orientalist motifs, stay for the unresolved plot points.”
  • Fate after S8: Unknown

Like House Martell, the majority of victims attributed to the Qartheen are their own. Xaro Xhoan Daxos and the Undying conspire to kill the city's Council of the Thirteen and murder a few more random people in a bid to gain control of Dany's dragons and become the city's top dogs. It doesn't work out well for them.

#22. The Dothraki (-3)

  • Kills? 54
  • Who? Nomadic warriors from Essos
  • Motto: *glowers in Dothraki*
  • What should b- fuck off they’re too cool for that
  • Fate after S8: Unknown. Have they settled in Westeros now? What remains of them in Essos?

Before joining Dany in her quest to “tear down the stone houses and kill the men in their iron suits”, the Dothraki were already a force to be reckoned with. Then again, killing Lhazareen or fighting each other to the death isn't really that impressive. 54 is a bit of a paltry number, but that’s only because the Dothraki’s kills counted for House Targaryen’s after they joined Dany’s forces.

#21. Sandor Clegane (-2)

  • Kills? 80
  • Who? The Hound, the myth, the legend
  • Motto: none
  • What should be his motto: “Those are your last words: ‘fuck you’?”
  • Fate after S8: Rest in peace, Sandor. At least you managed to take your horrible brother down with you.

After he says "fuck the king" and before he travels with the Brotherhood Without Banners, the Hound racks up an impressive kill count all on his own. He has literally carved out a place of (questionable) honour for himself in the list of killers by being able to outdo 12 other groups as a single man.

#20. The Children of the Forest and the (Old) Three-Eyed Raven (-2)

  • Kills? 131
  • Who? Ancient inhabitants of Westeros and a guy who melds with a tree
  • Motto: unknown
  • What should be their motto: “Mistakes were made.”
  • Fate after S8: Still dead

Arguably, the Children are to blame for most of the horrible things the living have to go through by creating an undead menace they couldn’t control. They also lured a crippled boy to a decrepit old man’s creepy sex cave. They did go out with a blast, though. Emo tree status: still not amused.

#19. The Sparrows and the Faith Militant (+7)

  • Kills? 302
  • Who? An order of religious fanatics and, well, simple animals, respectively
  • Motto: “Stars and swords”
  • What should be their motto: “Shame!”
  • Fate after S8: Whoever survived the explosion at Baelor’s Sept and Dany’s destruction of King’s Landing is likely keeping a very, very low profile

For all their religious fervour, the Sparrows boast very few actual kills. Although we can assume they did murder their fair share of people they deemed corrupt or not having sex the way their holy writ prescribed it, the show only has two people killed by them. I decided not to be so strict this time: there is absolutely *no* way these bastards didn’t kill more people, so I’m tossing them a few hundred extra.

#18. The Brotherhood Without Banners (-)

  • Kills? 344
  • Who? Worshipers of the Red God who claim to fight for the commoners
  • Motto: unknown
  • What should be their motto: none works fine
  • Fate after S8: Presumably gone

Though Beric Dondarrion may or may not be dead, the Brotherhood was a thorn in the side of the Lannister forces occupying the Riverlands, and some of their men broke bad when they slaughtered a group of innocent people founding a new village. Lem Lemoncloak will not be missed, but he did rack up the Brotherhood's kill count, even if most of the casualties were defenceless people. At least his cloak kept the Hound warm.

#17. Mountain Clans of the Vale (-1)

  • Kills? 402
  • Who? Semi-barbaric inhabitants of the Mountains of the Vale in Westeros
  • Motto: unknown
  • What should be their motto: *laughs raucously in Vale*
  • Fate after S8: Presumably same as it ever was – raid a few people, living a raw life

After his release from the Eyrie, Tyrion and Bronn pick up the Mountain Clan warriors along the way and have them fight with the Lannister forces. Their kills happen mostly off-screen, but we can infer they were a vital part of the Lannister army. Presumably they’ve returned to the Vale and still regale each other with stories about fighting for the ‘Half-Man’ and cutting off a terrified Pycelle’s beard.

#16. Disease, old age and natural disaster (-1)

  • Kills? 1,011
  • Motto: -
  • What should be their motto: -
  • Who? Ye olde death that comes for everyone in the end
  • Fate after S8: It’s the human condition, stupid

Perhaps it is surprising that even in the ultra-violent world created by George R.R. Martin and the ‘Game of Thrones’ show, natural deaths, disasters and diseases still claim the 16th spot on the list, defeating regular armies, clans and trained killers. Yet, it’s true. To be fair, the largest part of them include the wights who were stupid enough to drown to their final fate when they tried to cross the ice to get at Jon Snow and his Magnificent Seven, though they also include important characters like Hoster Tully and maester Aemon Targaryen.

#15. The Sons of the Harpy and the Ghiscari Alliance (-3)

  • Kills? 1,199
  • Who? Slave masters and former slave masters from the Essosi cities of Meereen, Yunkai and Astapor
  • Motto: none
  • What should be their motto: “Nooo you can’t just free all the slaves it will destroy the economerino” -  “Haha slave chains go cloink”
  • Fate after S8: Unknown. Perhaps they might rise again if they know Daenaerys is dead.

It’s not easy to pinpoint a truly exact number when it comes down to this loose coalition of slaver city-states and former masters. What’s certain is that their threat proved to be more resilient and enduring than Dany and her followers had expected, frustrating viewers and characters alike. It remains to be seen whether her show of power with the dragons and leaving Daario in place as her steward put a definitive end to the slave masters’ misgivings (and killings).

#14. House Tyrell (-3)

  • Kills? 1,251
  • Who? The Great House of the Reach in Westeros
  • Motto: “Growing strong”
  • What should be their motto: “I want them to know it was me.”
  • Fate after S8: The House is extinct and is replaced by House Blackwater.

House Tyrell was never one for wanton destruction or great warfare. They waited almost two full seasons to actually join the War of the Five Kings when they joined the Lannister host to decide the Battle of Blackwater. After that, they were often seen doing anything but fighting, and when their best soldier, Randyll Tarly, turned cloak for the Lannisters, their chances to inch up higher in this list were almost as dead as their entire House.

#13. The Night's Watch (+2)

  • Kills? 2,095
  • Who? The guardians of the Wall up North in Westeros
  • Motto: “I am the shield that guards the realms.”
  • What should be their motto: “Second-guessed by every little twat.”
  • Fate after S8: Unknown. Is there any Night’s Watch necessary at all anymore now that the Wall is down and the relations with the Free Folk are presumably alright?

Clocking in a solid number of almost 2,100, the Night’s Watch kills include a menagerie of Free Folk, giants and their occasional fellow crows. It's not known whether they still exist at all now since the Wall has been breached at at least two points, the White Walkers are dead and the Free Folk are presumably pacified.

#12. House Frey (as House Paramount of the Riverlands) (-)

  • Kills? 2,200
  • Who? The short-lived Great House that usurped control over the Riverlands after they participated in the Red Wedding to unseat House Tully
  • Motto: “We stand together.”
  • What should be their motto: “Oh yes, I said some words.”
  • Fate after S8: Still dead. Unknown who took the Twins.

While no great soldiers themselves, the cowardly slaughter that was the Red Wedding did help the Freys break into the top 10. Possibly one of the most hated and despised Houses in Westeros, their time as House Paramount of the Riverlands was short-lived. Without the support of the Lannisters and the Boltons, they were a bunch of cloying amateurs who managed to get themselves killed by one person.

#11. Free Folk / Wildlings (+1)

  • Kills? 2,201
  • Who? Human tribes who live beyond the Wall
  • Motto: none
  • What should be their motto: “We do not kneel.”
  • Fate after S8: Livin’ it up beyond the ruins of the Wall, presumably led by Aegon VII the Unwilling and Tormund

The Free Folk would have killed more people if the Night’s Watch wouldn’t have been so direly understaffed and if Stannis Baratheon hadn’t shown up to relieve the siege of Castle Black, cutting through the Free Folk like butter, with his horses, armor and longswords. Still, killing 2,200 people is nothing to sneeze at. One wonders if the Free Folk at the Wall and those presumably settled in the North still count as Free Folk, or as bound to House Stark – and if they will matter at all. Most of their fighting men are already dead or are zombies. Yes, they have technically one kill more than the Freys, but I think that's a number both symbolical and also on the low side.

#09. House Bolton (as House Paramount of the North) (-2)

  • Kills? 4,549
  • Who? The short-lived Great House that usurped control over the North after they participated in the Red Wedding to unseat House Stark.
  • Motto: “Our blades are sharp.”
  • What should be their motto: “A naked man has few secrets. A flayed man has none.”
  • Fate after S8: Extinct. Unknown who has taken the Dreadfort.

The Boltons got in their share of kills for the Starks in the early phases of the War of the Five Kings, and then turned on their Great House at the Red Wedding. The Boltons further drove out the ironborn from the North in cruelest ways imaginable, and then delivered Stannis’ final defeat at Winterfell. Their fortunes turned after Sansa escaped and Ramsay thought his gleeful sadism was going to let him keep the North forever.

#08. House Greyjoy (-)

  • Kills? 5,722
  • Who? The House Paramount of the Iron Islands, surprisingly one of the Six Kingdoms
  • Motto: “We do not sow.”
  • What should be their motto: “What is dead may never die.”
  • Fate after S8: Still one of the now-Six Kingdoms, led by Yara Greyjoy

Most of the ironborn’s battles are fought off-screen or only seen in fragments, but they seem mostly adept at killing their own, with Euron’s ‘Red’ Greyjoys delivering a crushing defeat to the ‘Black’ Greyjoys Theon and Yara in the early stages of the War of the Two Queens. Euron was a discount Ramsay Bolton but at least he managed to keep them in the top 10.

#07. House Arryn (+2) 

  • Kills? 10,203
  • Who? The House Paramount of the Vale in Westeros, one of the Six Kingdoms
  • Motto: “As high as honor.”
  • What should be their motto: “I think not.”
  • Fate after S8: Still one of the now-Six Kingdoms, led by Robert Arryn

These falcons earned their wings in a large part thanks to their timely intervention at the Battle of the Bastards, mowing down the exhausted ranks of the Bolton armies, which looked like they were going to win against a severely outnumbered rag-tag coalition of Northmen and Wildlings. They also fought at the Starks’ side in subsequent battles, and at the Dragonpit Council, even sickly little Robert looked at least something like a normal person now!

#06. House Tully (-1)

  • Kills? 12,020
  • Who? The House Paramount of the Riverlands, one of the Six Kingdoms
  • Motto: “Family. Duty. Honor.”
  • What should be their motto: “Something smells fishy.”
  • Fate after S8: Still one of the now-Six Kingdoms, led by Edmure Tully

Likely the biggest surprise on the list, and largely due to Edmure – yes, Edmure – who took a chance at personal glory in the off-screen Battle of the Stone Mill, where he defeated a huge Lannister host but took so many casualties that it was, in fact, a Pyrrhic victory. Permanently reduced to the status of laughing stock thanks to Edmure, who apparently sat around and did jack shit during the Last War.

#05. House Baratheon (-1)

  • Kills: 13,159
  • Who? The House Paramount of the Stormlands, one of the Six Kingdoms
  • Motto: “Ours is the fury.”
  • What should be their motto: “It’s hammertime.”
  • Fate after S8: Still one of the now-Six Kingdoms, led by Gendry Baratheon

Most of House Baratheon’s kills come from the branch of Stannis, whose troops killed their fair share of men in three major battles – the Blackwater, the Siege of Castle Black and the First Battle of Winterfell. Robert and Renly are no match for Stannis’ bloody deeds. And they’re still around now, too, thanks to Gendry, who bravely upheld the family tradition of destroying things with big hammers. Robert toasts to his bastard son from the grave.

#04. House Lannister (-2)

  • Kills: 18,170
  • Who? The House Paramount of the Westerlands, one of the Six Kingdoms
  • Motto: “Hear me roar.”
  • What should be their motto: “Family is all that matters.”
  • Fate after S8: Still one of the now-Six Kingdoms, led by Tyrion Lannister

Embroiled in the War of the Five Kings from the very beginning and one of the few Great Houses left standing in its aftermath, the Lannisters have proven to be a resilient and cunning force more than adept at bloodshed. That the Lannisters still exist at all is a testament to the family’s sense of shrewdness, although S8 did them a dirty by progressively having the otherwise smart Tyrion make baffling choices and destroying Jaime’s redemption arc.

#03. House Stark (+4)

  • Kills? 78,219
  • Who? The House Paramount of the North in Westeros, briefly deposed by the Boltons, later re-emerged as the independent Kingdom of the North
  • Motto: “Winter is coming.”
  • What should be their motto: “I'm a slow learner.”
  • Fate after S8: Independent kingdom led by Sansa I Stark.

The Stark’s kills are attributed to a great number of loyal Houses connected to them as well as individual battles (under the command of Robb or Jon) or fights they got embroiled into (Arya, Ned). The Starks are not the biggest killing machines in Westeros, but they are by far the most consistent, getting in a few kills almost every episode. The Hound was right when he predicted to a frightened Sansa her brothers would all become killers. He just failed to account for the fact that so would she and her sister.

#02. The White Walkers and the Wights (-1)

  • Kills: 136,928
  • Who? An army of ice zombies commanded by supernatural frost-like humanoids
  • Motto: none
  • What should be their motto: none
  • Fate after S8: Wiped out completely

It was never their trophy to win, but they tried very, very hard. In fact, they would have won it all had it not been for those pesky kids (*shakes Night Fist*), though they had already been generously helped by a number of massive strategic blunders from the Coalition of the Living that looked awesome on-screen but fell apart as soon as you thought about them in a coherent fashion. I don’t think there has ever been a televised battle that looked as insanely cool and had such production values while at the same time laughably dumb from a military point of view.   

#01. House Targaryen (+2) 

  • Kills: 266,172
  • Who? The ousted royal house of Westeros. 'Won' the War of the Two Queens. Got stabbed.
  • Motto: “Fire and blood.”
  • What should be their motto: it’s… oddly fine as it is
  • Fate after S8: Extinct

Jumping from third place to first in just one season is all the more impressive when you consider that the White Walkers started out incredibly far ahead. My estimates are even a bit on the conservative side, given that Dany almost completely destroys King’s Landing, which by GoT’s counts is a city of about a million inhabitants. S8 was right to portray Dany as the eventual villain, but they unfortunately did it in such a ham-fisted, stilted way that her turn to madness never felt earned and plainly contradicted the way the show portrayed her as a bad-ass feminine hero. It also never helped that despite her best efforts, Emilia Clarke is not the kind of actress to sell this sort of role, even if she had a lot of its tics and nuances down to a t. Blame the directors, if anything.