About 'Alpha+Good'

Alpha+Good (a bad wordplay on Orwell's "double plus good" and old machismo - I'm the realest after all) is a side project that belongs to 'Onklare taal' ('Unclear' or 'Unripe language'), the umbrella of several literary projects in Dutch.

This section is almost exclusively in English and comprises my ongoing thoughts on progress, gender, politics and various other social themes. Why is this in English why everything else in Dutch? Because I want to gun for a much wider audience here. Also, my literary English isn't good enough, otherwise I would always write in English.

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Wednesday, November 28, 2018

State of Failure: West-Flanders


Introduction

Without a doubt, West-Flanders is the country’s most Catholic province. This is proven by the countless amount of Blood- and Penal Processions, the above-average number of known sex offenders and the timeless hegemony of the Christian democrats in its hinterland. Truly, West-Flanders is a hypocrite’s paradise.

But beneath this thick veneer of passive-aggressive wallowing in self-pity, there rests a nature that wants nothing more than to be suppressed and forced to hard labour.

Important facts


The ‘IJzertoren’ or ‘Iron Tower’ is West-Flanders’ most important monument. It is a pilgrimage target for many Flemish iron- and scrap mongers. Because the stingy Diksmuidians made the tower out of stone rather than metal \m/, they make every effort to get the pilgrims as drunk as possible before they reach the tower.

Key date in history: on July 12, 1302, West-Flemish farmers got stuck in the mud after defeating the French, and the ensuing victory feast became the first edition of the Dranouter folk festival.

Important tip: when in West-Flanders, don’t speak the Antwerp dialect. West-Flemings haven’t forgotten that they are illiterate thanks to those people from Antwerp. Those who manage to learn how to read and write usually leave the province for Ghent.

For many rosy-cheeked peasant sons and daughters, Ghent is usually the place of their first sexual experiences outside of church, usually with some questionable Ghentish ruffian who seeks to convert them to the cause of socialism.


Genocide

Hard labour and innovation make West-Flemings great inventors. One of their most renowned inventions is genocide. This was first put to use on May 18, 1302, during the Bruges Matins. The discoverers of genocide are still being honoured with statues on the Grand Place of Bruges.

Subsequently, genocide technology was perfected during later conflicts, until its blueprints were stolen by the Germans during WW1 to lay the foundations of the Third Reich. Nowadays, these technologies and techniques are still being used in the West-Flemish meat industry.

Flanders’ Fields

Between 1914 and 1918, West-Flanders was the theatre of the largest war tragedy Flanders has ever known. Thousands of Flemish soldiers met their end because of communication problems between Flemings and their francophone compatriots.

To blame were the entrepreneurs Lernaut and Hauspie, who, instead of making translation flags, had been secretly enriching themselves. After the war, the ruins of Flanders Language Valley have been kept in their desolate state, as a silent witness to the horrors of free entrepreneurship.

To see and visit in West-Flanders



Bruges

Belgium’s biggest theme park is Bruges. It was founded on the ruins of a Mediaeval port town by UNESCO in 2000. Bruges is mainly visited by Japanese tourists and young couples who don’t notice the terrible blandness of the park through their rose-tinted glasses. Bruges’ most exciting attraction is snapping wedding photos in the presence of dissatisfied, fat swans rousting about.

The Belgian Coast

For many centuries, the coastline was a swampy area where only scattered communities of shrimp fishers dared live on the arid sand dunes. However, during WW2, the coastline was reshaped into a wall of concrete bunkers by the Germans. The bunkers were converted into apartment buildings and lofts after the War. The most important post-War battle at the coast was the conflict between local hotel owners and putative weather forecasters from Brussels.

Ostend

Ostend is known as the Queen of Seaside Towns, because it has become as irrelevant as Queen Paola and as dead as Queen Fabiola, ever since its ferry companies went bankrupt. This seaside resort is a favourite destination of British tourists, however, who feel at ease within Ostend’s easily recognizable, grim and grey patrimony.

The ‘West Corner’

The ‘West Corner’ is the most dangerous agrarian area of Belgium. Annually, dozens of farmers lose a limb to century-old left-behind bombs from WW1, or they break their back by driving into a hidden trench. In the town of Ypres, fallen farmers are commemorated every day by playing the ‘Last Post’ under the Menen Gate and throwing down farm cats from its belfry tower as a sacrifice.

Courtrai

Courtrai is mostly known as a place where tourists on the way to France want to leave as fast as possible. Loyal to their capitalist trading roots, Courtraians try to monetize everything that moves, which has resulted in gaudy wealth to bloom here. Courtrai is sometimes called the ‘Dallas on the Lys’, which is unfair, because Texans are known for their generous contributions to charities.

The wild interior of West-Flanders has not been fully charted yet. Discoverers report several uncontacted tribes, which include wild ‘flaming ants’ that still need to be civilized. Several Walloon missionaries have entered these areas, only never to return.

Working 5 to 5

  
West-Flemings are honest people with a strict labour ethos. A working day from 5am to 5pm is completely normal, whether you’re a farmer or the CEO of an SME. These working hours need to be respected, and in turn West-Flemings will respect everyone who demonstrates they want to overdose on work at a meagre wage. Learning West-Flemish is a must for everyone who works there, from street cleaners to managers.

Mass and fight

Sports take the cake in entertainment. Whether football, cycling, darts or hunting down French people, nearly all West-Flemings have joined a sports bar.

On Sunday mornings, there is the Mass, which is often joined by a local carnival where you can punch the local retard for €1, or test your mettle against sturdy peasant sons. In cities, this tradition has been replaced by mass brawls near football stadiums.

In the coastal towns, it is advised not to leave the tourist bunkers after sundown, as local people in bars will often react with hostility to visitors who still have a full set of teeth.